EYE-OPENER: What a relapse actually feels like (Detailed).

I had initially written this (under a different title) just after a relapse so that I could refer to something the next time I was tempted. After 3-4 days I've realised that everyone who's in the struggle should read this, atleast the ones who are trying to get to day 30.

It's very big but please read through it. I'm 99
% sure it'll wake you up.

Long story short, I relapsed today because of unknown triggering content (came abruptly in a mystery/thriller movie) and I relapsed. Needless to say I myself am to blame for it, not the movie, not the heat, not the boredome, nothing can justify it.
I was on a healthy 8 day streak and by relapsing I undid it again and I cursed myself. I gave myself the usual beating telling how fapping is ruining my life, how I'm anxious, tired, unsocial, etc.
And I wondered how I couldn't see the bigger picture because of fapping. I couldn't see how my life was dissolving in front of me at that moment. I'm writing this post more to myself but I believe that it will knock back some sense into everyone who needs it.

I'm writing how it feels while relapsing (details of which we conveniently forget) and just after that. I wrote it down and I got a heart attack reading simply that one list. Not even talking about long term problems.

Here I go:
I. During the relapse:
1. I feel empty...like that crescendo amounted to nothing.
2. I have a kind of a tingling sensation on the crown region of my head which feels completely alien to me, not good at all. As if some energy or to say minerals and vitamins are going away...evaporating into thin air, just like that.
3. My back hurts bad.
4. Eyes feel kinda droopy. As if I haven't slept for 40 hours straight.
5. My vision is blurred. Not entirely blind but it's god damn irritating. Can't focus properly on one thing!
6. My mind goes numb for a few seconds. Imagine if someone hit on the back of your head with a bat. You seem to understand neither your surrounding, nor what hit you. You're just too confused.
7. My chest is heavy, my breath is laboured. Like I've swam for 4 hrs.
8. I feel tired but it's not only physical. It's psychological too. Imagine you've written an exam, the way your brain is racked up, you just can't seem to comprehend anything else. Your brain needs a breather without actually doing efforts.

2. The time following your relapse:
1. You know you must feel bad about it but emotions are complex to grasp right now. You did something, you got the reward. That's wrong.
2. You feel so tired. You can't concentrate on what you were doing. You feel that to understand the present you have to start all over again. You've forgotten the context itself!
3. You think about scrapping that day's plans because you need to sleep. It's fine if I miss college today, it's fine if I skip work today, blah blah blah. You lost a day because you're tired.
4. Personally, my body heat is off the charts. I feel warm at 24°C (which says a lot because thr average temp at my locality is around 29-32°C). I'm basically sweating after the shower, sweating when I'm just sitting in the train, feeling hot and consequently irritated because of it.
5. I've got dark circles which are so bad...like raccoon eyes. And the skin around my eyes feel as if it's wrinkled and dried up and pale.
It feels like binge watching TV for 10 hours straight. And that's just when I wake up!
6. I'm tired when I wake up. Mentally and physically tired. If I sleep again then maybe I'm physically fine but my mind is still just numb.
7. You can't go for a walk alone. Everytime you look up while walking, you feel people staring at you and your own gaze lowers down. That's just disheartening.
8. You slept and woke up. Still reeling from the shock of it all. So you switch on the TV/YouTube. Waste time like it's never going to end for you. This day will cost you later!
9. You can do your diet later. You need to replenish the lost energy. Empty the chips and coke. Then avoid the gym. Skip playing. Be a couch potato.
10. Your family enquires what's wrong with you. You shrug it off like it's nothing. Your friend ask you the same thing. You ask them to mind their own business. Slowly breaking your social links.
11. The day goes by in a haze and you still can't remember the motive you had when you woke up. So you stop thinking about tomorrow. It's like you somehow want to get past today.
12. You just tell yourself, not convince/remember, how fapping will cost long term and all other things in life. It simply cost me some time and some energy today. So what?

Hey! That's just what I felt today and I don't want to feel that crap every other day.
Writing about it somehow makes it feel more important. I simply can't ignore it.
If you came this far then I believe that you, like me, want to start fresh right now.
I'm going to my journal, regardless of whether anybody reads it or not, I'm actually writing what I'll do when the time comes to act. I mean when I fall upon triggers. Not the ones I know of. The ones I'm not ready for. And how I'll beat them. Its not far-fetched. I need to get over the first 20 days. That's it.
Some of the points above may not have been felt by everyone but maybe after reading this you atleast know what you are going through and you don't ignore it.
I hope everyone overcomes this obstacle. Good luck people, stay strong!

Quick edit: I've added a few things in the time after relapse section.
Also thanks for the acknowledgement. I wrote it in the heat of the moment (ignore the pun) but now it seems the right thing to do

 

Yes I've started meditating and am sticking to a timetable. Have changed it so that first thing I do in the morning is something productive, not wasting time on my mobile and stuff