novibe's Journal

Steal away. I'm not looking ;-)

 

4 stages of recovery, @slb.

 

So right. I started therapy to end my PIED and we're deep in past trauma, relationship dynamics and all kinds of hidden alleys. You think porn is the fundamental problem and it ends up being part of a larger thing.

 

Another one from the same guy, @slb.

 

Yes. It's like any addiction --- the "drug" is abused to medicate the pain, which is often emotional pain. Many times, the pain is rooted in childhood, where the addict didn't have healthy attachment, healthy emotional support, or positive role models of healthy relationships.

***Please understand --- I'm just sharing what I've learned through this process; I certainly don't mean to step on "touchy" areas regarding childhood / family-of-origin. I have a great deal of empathy for anyone who had challenging relationships in childhood. It's tremendously painful. I'm still working on that, too.

Yes. Just like alcohol isn't the problem; it's 'why does the alcoholic drink when it's harming his/her life?' --- You're on the right track to be looking at the "larger thing".

 

Crying isn't a bad thing. At least it means he is feeling something. When we hold in our feelings and push them down, that's more troublesome for anyone. @Sadgirl

 

I had a little of an internal breakdown today. The day seemed OK, but by the end of it I felt this nausea and anxiety creep in, that I didn't know how to deal with. I had crazy thoughts spinning in my mind of wanting to just go out dancing on the weekend and throwing myself into the arms of the first guy who would make me feel good/appreciated as a woman. I knew I wouldn't do that, and even if I did, I knew I would have regretted it the next second. But the thought of having to wait for an unspecified amount of time to finally get the kind of relationship I deserve scared me. And to make things worse, I had never had that with my BF, so I don't even know exactly what I am waiting for. A total mystery, and even that is uncertain... I'm feeling sick just thinking that I might be totally wasting away for less than. Am I?

 

I feel ya NV. I have thoughts like that too. I could easily hook up with some random hottie on a biz trip and at least feel desired, pleasured and alive in that sensual way. But I would hate myself after.

So here we sit in this hamster wheel of feeling desire without receiving any, longing to give ourselves but rarely having the chance, needing to join in that closest bond possible. Doubting our value, our choices, our very thoughts. Searching for some secret keyhole that will open our SOs to us again and bring in the light of connectedness.

I feel ya. I feel ya something fierce.

 

Yea feeling the same thing really strong right now. Used to I would have broken down and given in to the desire to M just to take away the feeling for a bit. At least im desired in my imagination right? But its been long enough that it doesn’t tempt like it used to. Now I just have to endure the pain and be a man about it. But I feel you too.

 

That was my problem. PMO to deal with constant rejection, un interest and horniness. And we know how PMO as an antidote tastes.

 

Thanks guys! It's good, and sad, to know I'm not the only one feeling these crazy feelings. Sometimes I wonder how long I can be strong and deny my own needs by staying and waiting. I know I am much more than a woman, than a sexual being, than a girlfriend, but damn it hurts not to be validated in those areas.

 

On ogling: http://www.themindfulhabit.com/sex-addiction/2239/ and there's a podcast linked from this article, which is worth listening to. And for you, @slb, it's not a 3 or 2 second rule - it's more of a fraction of a second rule, you know?

 

The last few days have been awful. We talk all the time and it always ends up so horribly sad and/or angry and/or depressed.

I'm still stuck at home. The only time I ever go out nowadays is to my therapy, which is once or twice per week. Then I just drive there, have a session, drive back. Once I sat in my car for an hour and a half after therapy and literally couldn't force myself to drive home. It felt calm and frustrating at the same time. Like "I'm safe here, in my car, but when the hell am I going to go home?!" Cars have always been my "safe place".

Spoiler: Possible trigger

So, last night he goes to sleep and, before he does, he kisses me on the lips (rare occurrence lately). So then I go to sleep, and I'm so horny, that I almost humped the sheets. I literally could have humped air! He puts three fingers on my shoulder and lays there breathing like he's upset. I told him so many times, that I AM NOT THE PHONE!!! Two or three fingers barely touching my shoulder won't do the trick! So we fall asleep I wake up even more horny, but I won't M like crazy this time. So I'm just angry.

He noticed I was upset and asked if I wanted to talk about it. I just outright said "NO!". Last time I begged for sex, I didn't get it for many many weeks, because he felt too much pressure, I guess. So, I won't talk about it anymore.

We did talk about making the request/demand/boundary lists, but I will not do that, unless he finally comes up with some proposal himself. I mean, I know my lists, but he has no clue what he wants, other than a hug. I can't have lists with only my stuff in them. I want the other person to think what they want and own it. Otherwise it feels like not only am I living with a roommate, but a wishy-washy spineless one. Me no like this!

How do you get a guy to become a MAN! I mean, he cleans, cooks, shops for food, takes care of dogs and kids, works, etc. But I can do all those things myself. I need a MAN! I can't do that, and neither can my vibrator!

 

The week started a bit better than the last one. At least I don't feel despair and hopelessness. Too busy doing house things, I guess. I'm a bit scared about my work. I've been on depression sick leave for the past 2 months and my boss says not to worry, but I do feel slight pressure to go back. In a way, I'm lucky (VERY lucky) to live in a country where such sick leave is even possible. I know my American friends are less lucky with that. I'm not even worried to be fired, just that I'm not ready to go back yet. We'll see what happens in a week, when I have an appointment with a psychiatric doctor (since my work doctor couldn't do more than two months of sick leave for me without psych evaluation). Maybe I worry for no reason :-/ The medication definitely helps with anxiety, but I'm still severely avoidant and frozen most of the time. I fight much less, though, which is nice. Just "flight" and "freeze" left. Depression sucks! I need a massage. I need to buy some proper clothes. I've been dressing like a bum due to my extremely low self-esteem caused by traumatic childhood and my "great" narcissistic mom. I have always dreamed of taking care of myself, but somehow couldn't. Now I know that I MUST, just like I take care of my kids. I can re-parent myself... finally. I just need a kick in the butt... or a shopping buddy (I really don't know how to shop for anything for myself). I just want to feel normal, look normal, not like a homeless person. I think I look nice, but kind of hidden under this never ending hoodie and jeans fashion. Maybe I'll take my daughter She just turned 10 and she is a real diva Yes, that's a plan.

 

Thank you! I do feel much better than just a couple of months ago, when it all seemed so horrible and hopeless. Now I just wish things keep improving with my BF and me, like they have been. I'll continue therapy and taking courses (any courses that feel helpful: betrayal trauma, intimacy improvement, self care, etc.).

Yes, just two words to my daughter and she will be in for sure: CLOTHES & SHOPPING

I'm also planning to slowly re-introduce myself to some me-time. I really need creativity in my life. My hands are just itching to make something nice. I don't even care what... drawing, painting, crochet, macrame, amigurumi, woodworking, jewelry making... ANYTHING! I really need that to feel good. My soul is dying without some creative projects. I have been reading a lot lately, which is nice, but it's not enough.

I found this woman online (http://uncustomary.org/) who has become my inspiration. I stumbled on her site while searching for a "soothing kit" for my anxiety. She is awesome! I feel like her ON THE INSIDE. Now it's time I start shining on the outside too

I am also feeling very good about being able to help others here and in a couple of FB secret groups.