Hypocritical Solitude

Why the title? Simply put: when I want to be alone, I make the effort to be alone, even lying ("Oh, I have this family thing, gotta go") so I can go home and sit in my room doing nothing useful. But when I am alone, I want to be with others, and if I can't do that, I resort to screwing around on the Internet for hours - this includes pornography, and such.

I like being with friends. But you can't be with friends forever. I'm a college student but I live at home, for distance and money reasons. The more I get older, the more I want time and space to myself, and I just can't do that with family obligations breathing down my neck. A huge regret is that I didn't work hard enough in high school so I could get a full ride to my university - tuition, housing, etc. I think staying at home, so secluded all the time, and festering like a fatass contributed to my addiction to PMO, and all the crass behavior associated with it.

I love my family, but it's hard. There's a lot of things going on and I just want to shut myself from them. I want to go out and LIVE goddamn it but I just can't. I love my friends but being with them reminds me of how I am by myself, and I just leave in shame.

My personal favorite movie is Steve McQueen's Shame (2011) although it destroys me every time I watch it. The film is about sex addiction, yes, but the protagonist's true problem is loneliness. This fuels his lust for hookers, porn, masturbation and sex with strangers. This distances him, emotionally, from family, who need him to be present. He's good-looking, fit and pretty suave. But so, so lost. Loneliness kills.

Does this resonate with anyone?

 

Yep, reboot in progress. I'll likely not see the film for quite some time (I get too emotional, in all honesty) but it remains a masterpiece.

Been exhausted, but trying my best to be clean. 1 day done since the commitment.

 

Yeah, I'd do the same thing, sometimes. They'd ask if I was free, and of course I am, but I'd just make some bullshit excuse so I don't have to go out. I'd never tell them "oh, I just don't feel like going out" since it seems mean but lying about it is worse. Whenever I do hang out with them, it's great, but the desire to be alone and please myself overturns my desire to live life with other awesome human beings. Sucks. Now that I'm starting this reboot I hope this changes!

 

It's going - thanks for asking! Day 3's over, and despite some late night doubt, I'm clean. Less chores for me, more school work. I can focus on that much better now that I've shoveled out this dark portion of my life, at least for the time being. The loneliness is still there, but that will abate, in time, if all goes well. Just got to get through this first!