Catching out

This is a pretty tough one. Without hard evidence it's hard to make sure that he won't just lie to you. I know this firsthand. To be honest, the best way to start letting him know that you are suspicious is just to tell him straight up. Wait for the right moment, sit him down and just blurt it out. "Look, I've been having these intuitive feelings that you might be doing this behind my back and I want to be on the same page with you on how we both feel about it so we can start to work on it, whatever that means." or something along those lines.

If he knows you are suspicious, though, he might try harder to hide it from you (that's what mine did), and that is dangerous too. Really, an open dialogue for both of you is what's needed here. He needs to be able to express whatever feelings he is having, and you do too. It doesn't sound like you have a very communicative relationship, and it also seems like you think of him a lot more than he thinks of you, and you are left to assume things and come to conclusions about what he's doing and why. If he cares about you enough, he will make an effort to help you understand his problems so that you both can begin to heal.

Personally, I looked at his phone. He didn't know I had until I told him what I'd found, but he knows damn well not to be hypocritical after lying to me for so long. I'm not saying it was the right thing to do, but if I hadn't looked, I doubt he would have ever told me the whole truth, and we wouldn't be working on it right now. I would be blissfully ignorant. Well... not so blissfully, I'd be torturing myself inside still. So, in my honest opinion, do whatever you need to do in order for him to see the problem. You know him better than anyone here.

 

I feel your story has some parallelisms with my journey dealing to PMO and hope you can find some insights in my response.

It is frustrating! As a PA I would spin a web of lies and deceit upon my life, including my SO. I am just beginning my journey on my life without PM, and don't know all the answers to help. I know during most of my use of P I was definitely hot and cold when it came to relating with my SO. I can see how my actions, reactions, shutting down, isolation, self soothing through PMO, and lack of conversation with my SO had contributed to her feeling frustrated.

It is great that you are having conversations and communicating with each other and being heard. I used to call it a "bad/dirty/horrible/old habit", and that I wasn't addicted to P. I did this because I felt ashamed of what I was doing, was too embarrassed to admit it, and didn't want to burden those around me: including my SO. As a man, he can feel like he is supposed to be strong and can provide, but then feel weak when he has to rely on PMO to have a release to feel better about himself.

I was this way when I was using and had escalated with my P use. I was so concerned about my performance for my SO, that I would often only sleep with her when I was inebriated or buzzed. I never had an issue with PIED, and thought even Ming before being intimate with my wife would help me please her more, or the desensitization of alcohol would create a DE.

This was the case for me, especially with the PMO starting so young in life. I have always been afraid to fall in love with my SO for most of the nearly two decades together. When I am not PMOing constantly we had some of the most intense intimacy together. Even when she challenged me to not use PM, I would still go back to PMO. There is a deep level of shame, regret, lies and pain that my SO had to break through with a lifetime of love, compassion, patience, encouragement, and forgiveness.

I apologize if this didn't really help you, but for me it all came out when my SO find my special collection of P I had been saving. She confronted me about it, and knew the depth of my escalation of P had become. She was willing to listen and not be judgemental, which allowed me to realized I had no choice but to be honest about my problems. It was only then could I admit my PA, and take the steps to be free from P and M.

 

I used to lie and keep the lie up, I'm trying very hard to be honest today I was confronted about masterbation i lied at first but then fessed up. I felt I needed to. I don't watch porn anymore and I've gone 2 weeks before but I need to stop masterbation. I'm getting better but I need to be more honest and not resort to my old ways. The only way to help is to confront him. For me it's so hard to be honest it's so scary but I know I need to. I'm trying really hard to be better and I've come a long way.

 

I'm trying, the lie has always been my safety blanket, I'm trying hard not to do it. Changing this is tough but do able. I'm going to not lie I have to be better.