Battle of the sexes childcare edition. Who stays home?

I was reading an article recently that confirmed what I think most women know they do more of the child rearing than men do as well as more of the housework. This is true even if the woman far outearns the man so she’s a surgeon and he’s a teacher, and even when the woman works a lot longer hours. I’ve seen this so many times as a lawyer where a married couple are both lawyers yet when the child is sick she stays home not him, she goes part time or leaves the workforce all together. Often no doubt she does this by choice and is more than happy to, but what about when she’s not? What about when it simply does not make financial sense and she does not want to stay at home?

And the study also confirmed what I thought that if asked the majority of men say they want a relationship where child care is totally equal as well as housework and they want a working woman but when push comes to shove they actually don’t step up to the plate. Is it because they harbor gender ideas so deeply buried that they don’t even know they do? Or is that just something they say because they don’t think they can tell the truth.

I think most men want children and want women with jobs that are educated so long as her job is secondary and they expect that if either career suffers due to child care it’s certainly not going to be theirs. IMO the reason for the gender pay gap is more about men not stepping up and supporting her career as she supports his or caring for the kids more so she can devote more time to her job. Many women who want to work often leave the workforce simply because she can’t do it all. But if her partner stepped up just a little bit more she could.

I have never really wanted children and neither do most of my friends. Some people say that’s selfish I say actually it would be selfish to have a child I did not really want. I have however in past relationships agreed that if we married I would consider it. But that idea almost always broke down when it became clear that I was expected to go part tIME, work less hours or stay at home even though I made it quite clear from day One I had no intention of doing that. In One such relationship my partner was considering a new job that would have him travel two weeks out of the month. He also was adamant about wanting a child. I had told him early on that if he wanted that he would need to be the primary caretaker and he said that was fine that he would even stay home. I made a lot more money. So I asked him being that I don’t get home until around 8:00 at night who exactly is going to care for the child while you travel? And there it came well I just assumed you would cut back on your hours when you had a kid. My response but I specifically told you I would not? What about you do you intend on cutting back hours? Well no I can’t it will hurt my career. And mine? No response. And that’s when I ended things.

Please make no mistake if either person wants to stay home and the family can afford it they absolutely should do that. But it seems despite how far we may have come many women are still being forced into the role or stay at home parent by their spouses.

So ladies and men have you experienced this? Men would you be willing to be a stay at home parent or reduce your hours to allow your partner to continue her career and why or why not? Oh and if anyone that responds does not mind could you mention your age. I do think men under a certain age are more open to staying at home but I would like to see if I’m right.

 

I actually have read that men will do more housework if women are not there to do it. So I think you are onto something. Some men may also attempt to do it, but then get criticized and stop, not by me lol because I am not typically concerned with a high degree of cleanliness but I can see this occurring.

 

I totally agree that having one parent at home is best and is a total blessing to be able to do. But I also think that if one person does stay home it just makes financial sense for the one with the higher income to stay working. And I don’t mean a few thousand more a year, but significantly higher. But men often won’t stay home, but instead expect that a woman will. I guess for me it’s more about the expectations that men have that a woman will leave the workforce to raise their kids. I never have that expectation of a man?

 

Love this! That’s how I was raised and it was great. Sadly people move so far from family these days!

 

That’s awesome that your relationship is so equal and I agree if one partner excels at something or wants to do it let them! It’s just when people are forced into roles they don’t want due to gender.

 

This is why I do not have children because I do not think it would be fair to have kids, if both parents were not willing to put the kids not their career first. I am often called selfish for not wanting kids, but I don’t see it that way. I see so many people that have kids, because I often think society pressures them to, but they have zero time for the kids, and the kids are truly suffering. But what I am increasing finding is cases where the man wants children and the woman is ambivalent to it. Meaning she would do it if he wants to, but if she never has kids thats also fine with her. The issue that arises though is that the men expect the woman to be the primary care taker, ever though they are the ones that want the children. I don’t get that. It is ideal to have one parent at home, but the issue again I have is that it is assumed that will be the woman, and I do not think that is fair. One person needs to support the family, why should it be the person who makes less? The increasing desire for women not wanting kids, IMO is this exact reason. Clearly one person needs to be the primary caretaker of the children. WOmen who have worked for years to build their careers know they either can’t or don’t want to give that up. Men want children, but also refuse to give up their careers, so women don’t have kids. If men would step up and say hey I will parent and really do that, then I think more career women would have kids, but most men won’t.

 

I agree with you. I think many people have kids with no idea how much responsibility they are. I also think though society views people that do not want children as if there is something wrong with them, and this is taken out more on women than it is on men. It is almost like you are not a complete person until you have kids. So people have kids, not because it is a desire of theirs, but because they just think it’s what they are supposed to do. Then they really struggle to raise them. I have seen some people that were not very motherly or fatherly turn into amazing parents once the kids arrived, but many others just don’t. They feel guilty, alone and ashamed, for not loving life with kids like they think they are supposed to. When I go to the stores, like target I can see the unwanted kids. The kids trying so hard to get Mom or Dad’s attention, while Mom or Dad plays on facebook or talks on the phone. The kids are crying out for attention. It makes me feel so bad for them.