HOCD confusion

sounds like pure HOCD, you have to do full reboot and see what's gonna happen with your brain

i don't have time now, but i'll write later here my story (remind me please if i forget to write it)...i had almost similar experience...

 

Hey man, I am on the same boat with you right now.. I am hoping that this reboot would help.

 

This explains me as well..

I hope you find answers soon, and maybe share it with me.

 

Highly appreciated. Obviously any answer won't present itself unless a complete reboot is done, how long though? I'd never know, I haven't really reached a significant amount of sobriety, but here's hoping it'll change.

 

hey @Jack York I am addicted to gay porn only. but I love my wife and i have great sex with her.
sexuality is fluid, it changes with the seasons, with the weather, with what your habit has become, with who you're around.
stay sober, like really stay sober, no matter how hard, and then you will know who you are.
hope this helps buddy. reach out, private message, whatever, if you need.

 

Me when the hocd kicks in.

 

Ok. I don't have too much things to say. I was into porn and masturbation since i was 14 year old. I started just with fapping, without porn then i saw porn and some magazines. Ok. It was fine for me to masturbate to it. Then i saw porn video whene woman take it in ass. I was very young and i saw she really enjoy it, i tried also it together with normal masturbation. I had orgasm i less than 2 seconds. I did some anal masturbation. During time i was only on anal porn (yeah, i imagined "thing" in my ass and mouth) . Sometimes i watched transgendered person, but never gay. But i was aroused when i was reading gay stories. Just to mention, i never was aroused by male body or something like it (it's one of main signs you have HOCD). It was only aboutdick and that's all. Then i discovered noFap. I was pretty sure i am not PA and i decided to do full reboot. I did it and only time when i want dick and anal masturbation was day after hard drinking, so during hangover. Now i didn't drink almost 1 month and i don't have any urge for my described fetish. Also i did experiment, my last relapse was planned, i watched again anal porn, fapped to it and it doesn't arouse me anymore, i don't have any desire to watch porn or fap or do anal masturbation (i had strong anal orgasms). Maybe i am in some sort of flatline (i fapped for 20 years to porn).

Oh yes, i did full reboot at 5th try. My relapse before i did full reboot was hell, when i saw porn my whole body was shaking, i can't describe that dopamine rush. Like alcohol addict. And i was almost SURE i am not addicted to porn.

It's my short story, i will add some more details later if i remember something.

Also you need to do full reboot to see where are you, but if you are not atracted to males it's HOCD.

 

I am on day 57 and it has helped me a lot. I am 47, and had little exposure to porn before the internet. I never thought much about a possibility of being gay until porn. Being hung short made me want to see other guys... and a vicious problem began. I was never good at sports and didn't alwaysvh have a lot of male friends until college...so putting all of the pieces together will help explain where all this may have started.

 

This does sound like HOCD and as someone who went through a similar situation I think I know where it has come from. You've turned to porn as an outlet for negative emotions and due to this problem eventually you started consuming porn that didn't align with your genuine sexual tastes. This has gone on for so long that, combined with the bullying you received, its led you to believe that you actually are gay as opposed to just someone who has had their perspective twisted by porn, excessive masturbation, and childish insults. The fact you haven't ever had a GF (I haven't either) has made it even easier to rationalize you being gay.

While I never believe I suffered from HOCD, I did go through a period of a few weeks where I was convinced I was bisexual and was on the verge of "coming out" only to have that conviction broken when I realised very clearly that I have no attraction to men outside of the porn context, and that brings me neatly into this topic, the role porn has in warping the minds of young people. The brain is a complex thing, but at the same time it isn't that hard to understand, especially when it comes to porn. Simply put, porn is to real sexual experience what paint-balling is to real warfare, but the brain doesnt give a single fuck, it just craves the dopamine surge that accompanies watching porn. It doesnt care where it comes from, it just wants it, it could be straight porn, gay porn, porn where midgets rub marmalade on each other, it literally doesnt matter whatsoever. Over time the brain becomes accustomed to this and even the craziest genres stop having an effect on you, pushing you to find ones even more out there (this is also why vanilla porn starts becoming suddenly enticing again if you masturbate several times to extreme porn, once again the brain doesnt want context it just wants novelty because novelty equals dopamine). The fact that even the most vanilla of genres (excluding lesbian obviously) feature a man does nothing but reinforce the presence of men in your mind and to loop back to my original point, makes it easier to become aroused by them, not because you actually are, but simply because, in the deepest recess of your brain, you associate men with porn, and porn with dopamine, and dopamine with pleasure. The best way to break this connection is to simply stop watching porn entirely. Giving up masturbation for a time is also advised but that is up to you.

Good luck!

 

Hey @AtomicTango!! Great post!! I agree entirely with you, SSA can be acquired because of gay porn induced ideas; plus excessive masturbation without watching porn: it teaches your brain that penises are the only factor envolved in pleasure. It'd be great to hear more about your story.

 

Hello Jack, I've dealt with HOCD for 1 years and half and sometimes I'm stil dealing with it now. Often porn addiction may cause lack of desire and low libido and this lack of libido drives us nuts, we start to question the causes of this situation untill something pop in oru minds: "What if I'm gay?" the difference between an Obsessive person and a normal person is that the second one lets the thought go away, the first one start look for a certain answers and this bring us to compulsion.
Anyway, as my psychiatrsit says, HOCD (and any other OCD) is just an expression of something more deep that we can't or don't want to deal with and 99% it has nothing to do with sexuality.
My psychiatrist always says that OCD is like falling in a sand hole 3 foot deep. Normal people just use their hands and climb out of it, OCD people start digging thinking that digging a tunnel will make them came out from the other side, but instead they go deeper and deeper and end up completely covered by sand.
Anyway if HOCD is ruinin you life and have a serious impact on your life quality you should talk to a psychiatrist.
Best luck and forgive my english, it isn't my first language!