Guess I'm Doing A Journal Now...

I am absolutely defeated. I. Just. Have. Nothing. Left. And it's only day 21 since d-day. I feel like that's a bad sign and it makes me question whether or not I'll actually be able to get through this at all, or whether or not I even want to. I've been with my SO for less than a year, but in that time we merged our families and moved in together and share everything and have already built so many memories. But it's not even a year. So much can change in a year, so why can't I? I can end this and build myself up again and move on. Another part of me thinks that either I stay and let him make me eventually feel better about myself again, or I make myself be alone with these deep self consciousness that he helped create which will bring me further into the depression that very often takes me away from work and real adult life. What will happen then? Become a cutter again? Drink heavily? Sleep with anyone and everyone? Or I can be babysat by the guy that destroyed me, but at least I'm not being self destructive? Maybe none of this makes sense and I'm sorry because I'm not even going to proof read this. This is just the babbling thoughts running through my head as I lay in bed alone with my SO across the hall in the guest room instead of fighting for me/us/our relationship. Fuck this.

 

Thank you everyone. You are all very kind.

@AnonymousAnnaXOXO The day that it all came out was 23 days ago. He was away at camp which made it extra difficult. I found a couple things on his email so continued to look for more. As I was doing that each thing I found he admitted to but said that was it. But then there'd be another thing. Etc. So for five days straight he was telling me further lies with me finding more shit and then him being like yes this too. It was awful.

He came home from camp and we have been talking about it every day since. He will answer every and all questions I have, at length. It may or may not be healthy, as some days (like yesterday) he tells me things I don't want to hear (I was hoping to hear the opposite) and then other days we feel so emotionally connected after.

I definitely set boundaries. No Instagram, Snapchat, YouTube, any porn whatsoever obviously. He doesn't have Facebook on his phone anymore so he has to go onto the computer that has K9 protection on it. My boundary however isn't "you watch porn once, we're done" it's more if he were to relapse and not tell me then I'm done. I may also be done now, I don't know yet. Also it's not a boundary really for me, but we both find it extremely important that he writes a daily journal and he goes on nofap.

It's going to be really hard to think of my SO anywhere near as highly as I did before this. All i wanted to do was make him happy, even though there were things that made me unhappy. I knew about all the Snapchat and Instagram girls going into the relationship and tried to convince myself it was okay and nothing to do with me/my looks/my worth. But over time I felt like I had to compete with those gorgeous tattooed pierced up women and any time I mentioned it my SO "supported" me wanting to look more like them. Which killed my self esteem. I wanted to hear that how I am is what he wanted but instead it was oh yeah you'd look totally hot if you pierced your nipples, got more tattoos, Etc! It even got to the point that I had a short stint as a cam girl because I knew it would make him happy. After a while of that breaking me down I lost it and said I needed the naked online girls to go away. So he deleted Instagram and certain people on Snapchat. The next couple months were bringing me back up to my confidence levels before that situation and it felt like we were now on the right track and never had felt any happier. It was sooooo good. Until three weeks ago when I found all the other shit. Which has made me feel like it was ALL a lie. I feel like I'm rambling again, sorry. But it's hard to compress and make sense of this all honestly.

I just want to be happy again. And I'm trying to figure out if the person who hurt me so bad is the person who should be there to help me become happy again. I just don't know.

 

It's funny. Whenever I catch myself feeling happy (any time I don't have thoughts about my SO and his addiction and our relationship) I notice it and it ruins everything! At least it's a good thing it's not ALWAYS on my mind?

I've had a hard time posting another entry because when I'm in a good mood I don't want to go on NoFap and remind myself of the reality that is my life now. But then when I'm really sad or angry I'm usually talking with my SO and then take ativan to fall asleep or else I'll be up all night miserable.

Sometimes I lose ALL feelings of love/affection/general interest in my SO. Like all of it. Like I wouldn't care if you walked out this door and I never saw you again. But then I wake up the next day or we have a cuddle sesh and my mind cautiously "allows" me to love him again. It's confusing as F.

Taking it day by day cause what other choice do I have!

 

My SO just told me women in porn are hotter than anything he'd be able to get in reality so he is officially out. I don't know how I'm going to rebuild myself from this.

 

@TryingToHeal I don't know. He said he didn't mean It, that he was agreeing that that was what our conversation was about but not that he felt that way. And of course over the past hour or so I've been more and more upset to the point where I foolishly said "show me who the girls are that are better than me" and he went and reached for the remote. I feel at this point I'd be doing a disservice to women everywhere if I were to stay with a man who would do this to the person they say they love.

@kropo82 Officially out as in kicked out. By me. And yes he has a journal on here. I'm pretty sure it's mostly bullshit he reads from other journals put together so that I'd see it and think he was becoming a better man.

 

Thank you.

So how does one get over their partners desire for women with fake and perfect everything's when I'm just...me. a normal girl?

 

@Kenzi No I haven't...

 

@Kenzi I don't even have the words to thank you properly right now. You're beyond lovely.

I said okay to my SO coming home and it was really a big mistake. Neither of us had been physical in an argument before ever which is just extra heartbreaking. I'm horrified and I know he's absolutely terrified (probably an important note here that he did absolutely nothing to physically hurt Me, it was more the other way around, he just restrained me because lost it). It got bad enough that our neighbors came knocking on our door. I've never been so fucking humiliated.

He's still here. Im still saying I'm not willing to be only one in his list of "hot chicks" and all he can say is that he WANTS me to be the only one. Wanting and what's actually real right now are two extremely different things. And I cannot be a woman who stands next to a man who doesn't see their SO as their only. Further, and probably more important but I'm extremely insecure so I too often focus on vanity, the lies. There have been multiple lies that have come out today. What kills me about them (beyond, you know, lying) is that he said a bunch of great things that sounded like he was progressing in his recovery much better than he actually is. I think he may have taken things other people have said on NoFap to make it sound real but of course I'm speculating.

We have our first, maybe only, therapy session in seven hours.