Long story; need help...

I posted this in the SO section, but would also like some male input. I just think I need to hear it from both sides. Super long background, but if you could be so kind to read and help, I would be so grateful.

Where do I start? I met my husband in high school. He and I were just friends. We reconnected eight years ago (2009) on Facebook. Both married. He was in the long process of a horrible, bitter divorce from a woman who cheated on him with at least ten guys WHILE he was deployed and I was in a platonic relationship with my soon-to-be-ex... my ex and I had agreed to stay together for our daughter, but lived in different bedrooms. We got along great, didn't date anyone, just hung out as a slightly dysfunctional family.

Anyway... my current SO and I started chatting as friends for six months and had a chance to meet up for coffee one day (we lived 1200 miles apart). It changed everything. We had an immediate attraction to each other and wanted to be together. We had been speaking for months, so we knew each other very well, but had not seen each other since high school, so the attraction was overwhelming. I dissolved my platonic relationship (and my ex and I are still friends; he stays with us when he comes to be with our daughter). Current SO had to fight his ex for a divorce. During this fight with her, she filed adultery complaints with the Army (though I was 1200 miles away) and it led to my SO not being able to promote, so he was separated after 14 years. My SO and his vile ex had been apart for nearly two years, but her money was about to dry up, so she lashed out. It caused him to go into severe depression. I knew that when he was 'single' he was doing PMO and he started PMO as a substitute to sex when he was a teen, because in his mind, it was "more Christian/better" to do that than have sex. He lost his virginity when he was 25 and had only one girl-friend, and five one-night stands prior to his adulterous ex (all of this was shared when we were just friends/not dating, so I do not doubt its validity). He told me he had stopped during our relationship, out of respect for us. I believed him. When he was discharged from the Army (2011), I found out he was still doing PMO, and he swore he would not do it again. I was hesitant, but decided to believe him. He was unemployed for almost 16 months, and I was working five jobs while attending graduate school to support us.

Throughout the years, our sex life had always been a little less than I wanted, but when it started to further decrease, I became suspicious. In 2013, two years after our wedding, I discovered that he had been using PMO every time I worked (I work nights as a nurse), and I nearly left him. It is not just the withdrawal of intimacy and lack of respect, it is the deception. He and I went to individual counseling for eight weeks, but to be honest, couldn't afford it. He was making half of what I make and we had moved to a new home/new state (more expensive) to have a fresh start away from the military town we had lived in.

He cried; he begged; he pleaded... he SWORE he would never, ever do this again! He just went cold-turkey (we had sex, but he said he never went back to PMO) I put filters on the internet, I had parental settings on his phone/iPad - all with his approval and knowledge. I even had a keylogger on his computer. Nothing ever flagged. Not sure if he is smart enough to circumvent any of these measures. Our sex life improved marginally. He is not the romantic type, and doesn't really make any effort.

I have to admit, I am not the most forgiving wife. In arguments over other things or when I felt he was not as loving as I wanted and would assume the worst, I would sometimes bring up his betrayal in 2011 and 2013. It was brought up about twice a month for the last four years. I am ashamed that I am this way and I am working on being better.

Money is tight; he took a new role in his current job, and it is commission based; starting out he is bringing home much even less. I have been frustrated with his career after he left the Army, because I have been working non-stop 50+ hours a week since 2011 without a real break (no vacations; every blue moon I would have just 3-4 nights off in a row and I would be staying home). He continues to make less than half of what I make and it is hard on us. So again, I suck at being the most supportive wife, because I let my frustrations be known and in reflection, I almost feel justified BECAUSE he was somewhat responsible for the loss of his job (should have divorced his ex so much sooner) AND because he has betrayed me. I see all of this in me, and hate myself for it. Again, I am working on it.

So..... I caught him four weeks ago looking at a Facebook page (of all places) of self-submitted 98% naked pictures of girls (mind you, he is 41, and these girls are all 18 to 25ish). To add insult to injury, last week he was texting a friend about his new job, potential income in the next year and his administrative assistant - stating she was "smoking hot" (his phone was facing up, and I saw the text). I lost it! I realize that pictures of nearly naked girls are not porn, but he has been "clean" for over four years now. Plus the statement about his admin is super inappropriate. He tells me he was just messing around, that she is not hot, just teasing the guy because the guy had just quit! My SO tells me he saw the link to the page on another friend's newsfeed and got curious. This all started about six or so months ago - unless that is a lie. He again is using it when I work, which is about four to five nights a week (12-hour shifts) - there are weeks I do not see him for any of those days/nights, since he does not get home before I have to leave.

I asked him WHY? Why would he do that? The small profile pic of the page was of a naked woman covering her breasts, so he had to know. He knew the consequences were divorce. He knew he would lose his family. He did it anyway. He said he figured I would not find out, since it would not trigger any filters etc. plus, they are not naked nor is it porn, it is like Victoria Secret on steroids. Except each girl has her facebook profile linked to the pic, so these are REAL girls with real identities and real potential to be contacted. I am not sure if he would ever go that far. Knowing him and his history, I do not think so, but he has been a liar for so long, I do not know what to think of him anymore.

I told him that he needs to think about his trigger - what made him click that link and then go back to it - especially after he said he felt guilt after he would look at the pics and get aroused. He denies masturbation, but who knows. He said he liked the rush of "happiness" he would get from looking at the pictures.

He said he did it because he was "bored, lonely and frustrated". He is bored a lot; no real hobbies or friends. He is not a social person. Never really had a lot of close relationships in high school/college and due to moving around a lot for the Army. We live in a small mountain town. He works Monday through Saturday and often is not home until 1800. He is lonely because I am not home and he has not seen me in days. Lastly he is frustrated because our sex life has diminished over the last four years to about 2-4 times a month AND we are bickering a lot about bills, his new job, his laziness (not even bothering to pick up after himself, and I am OCD clean freak), which ends up us fighting about why we are in the financial situation we are in (his loss of his Army job and subsequent unemployment and living partially on my student loans) and then to the final punch: his previous betrayals. And if that was not enough, I had a cancer scare in January 2017 and was eventfully diagnosed with stage 1 cancer two months ago. We can't afford for me to take time off for surgery (hysterectomy), so I am on a high stress/anxiety level right now.

Bottom line, I love him. I could not imagine spending my life with anyone else. We are politically in sync; both have the same Christian viewpoints, agree on how to live, what we want out of life... we don't like the same music, but are open to each other's tastes. We love snuggling, holding hands, cooking together, hiking, climbing 14'ers... I wanted nothing more than to grow old with him, but I cannot trust him. I am heartbroken.

This relapse... does it under these circumstances mean he has to start over? Will he struggle again with thoughts? Will this happen again? IF I stay, are we or are we not to have sex? I know those are impossible questions, but what is your experience? Given his history and everything else (yea, sorry about the length of this post, just poured my heart out), what are your thoughts?

Thank you for reading and in advance for your guidance.

 

Thank you. There is so much information out there, so how does one recover? He has been thinking of “not thinking of” porn and “ogling girls” etc. for four years, which we both have read is still keeping porn in his head. He had a significant wandering eye when we met, but tells me he is working hard to not do... to the point of paranoia about doing it and/or getting caught.

He swears he doesn’t have urges or thoughts now. Nothing is coming to mind as it did before when he was deep in the PA. No desires have returned. No images popping into his head. But he also does not want a divorce. So....

In the last four years, he never had a burst of libido, energy etc. as I have read people will have once recovered! Not sure what that means.

TIA

 

Thank you for your honest and open reply. I won't go into too much detail, but I would rather be alone than to be in this much longer. I think that - despite how much I love him - I love my daughter more, and she is suffering more than I thought. She asked me to divorce him tonight. She can't handle the way he treats me. Walls are thin when we are shouting and I will forever be sorry that she heard us. I don't want to see her see me this way. I don't want her expectations to be that this is just how it is and men are going to hurt you.

If I am not in charge of the internet, which I did with his knowledge and request, who else will be? He swears he is not lying about M after the pictures/during the viewing of the girls in seductive poses... I don't know. We have been intimate more in the last two weeks than we have in two months. It has been intense for both of us. I do love him. I know I am not perfect, but I would never betray him - ever - and he has betrayed me. I am a nurse and if I were assessing a patient with my symptoms and story, I would say "she" is an abused wife. I swore I would never be one. My mom was one. I was beaten as a child by my bio-father... I need to find the strength to leave or he needs to find the strength to face his cause, find alternative methods to sooth and repair us. Asking for a miracle... maybe.

 

WOW!! Thank you. So if I am understanding you correctly, boredom, loneliness and such are not trigger, but feelings... so what about him being in bed, scrolling through Facebook and getting this urge to type in the site name to go to the Facebook group while being bored is the actual trigger? Facebook is the trigger? Social media triggered him and his feeling of boredom and loneliness contributed?

How does one recover? He is working on creating this:

1. Strategic Plan (What do you want, and why?)
2. Tactical Plan (How do you get there? What milestones are you looking to reach, by when?)
3. Risk management (How are you going to manage difficult challenges/triggers?)

What else can he do? Also, he is trying to move forward and not think about porn or anything artificial stimulation anymore; he was working so hard not to think about it that he was still thinking about it. Should he stop watching any movie with nudity? Is that the same? Or Game of Thrones? What about internet body building sites with blogs? He frequents T-Nation, which every once in a while will have a female body builder highlighted. Sexy bodies and such, but with weights? Is that too much for now?

Thank you again!

 

Thank you. If I stay, I will look into it.

 

Thank you. I am much more into things than he is... with my job and money stressors, we do not have sex as often as we like. His job is very physically demanding and he is asleep by 2030 on most nights that I am off (while watching a movie or such) and in bed by 2100 on the nights I am working. He is super tired, all the time, so we just didn't have sex. We would talk about it - plan on it even - and then both be passed out. He tells me he is frustrated that we do not have sex as much, which he states, is another reason he started looking at those models/girls on the Facebook account.

Since his latest discovery and our constant fighting, we have had sex more in the last week than we had in the last two month leading up to it. It has been very intense sex; practically ripping clothes off each other. Afterwards, I will retreat to the restroom and cry. So there is that.

 

I do not know exactly why I cry - I think because I am so sad and during sex I feel connected and in that moment, I think I can survive this, but afterwards, I get this let down and feeling of doom.

He was an officer in the army; he went to West Point and has a degree in military arts and science, which is super useless in civilian world. I asked him to pick a field now that he thinks he will want to do for the rest of his life - he wanted to work outside. So, he tried to go back to school, but made low C's (due to PMO) and did not graduate. He was getting his forestry/natural resources degree. He decided to pursue being an arborist. So he had to start over. First learn how to climb and maintain trees, etc and then foreman and now tree/plant healthcare sales (commission only - and guess how much you can sell/work on in the winter... uhhh, nothing).

 

Arborist now. Been doing that for three years... started when he was already not doing PMO anymore.

 

Thank you! I do not judge you or think ill of you. It is your journey, and the thing is, I am a nurse... I deeply care about people and want to them to be happy and HEALTHY. I want you to be healthy. I hope you will find a way out - I know that is what you want and ultimately it is the best decision for you.

I will take your advice in consideration. I do think that my daughter - even when she moves out - does play a part. It is also damaging her.

Take care,
Stefanie

 

I think so as well... isn't it usually something deeper that causes this in the first place? My ex-husband and I are still friends and I asked him about his porn use - especially since he and I stopped being intimate five years into our relationship and we both decided to just be co-parents (I did mention that in my original post)... anyway, he said he never really liked porn all that much; he found it to be disturbing - he kept thinking of how the women were objectified and that some are not there by choice. I am a forensic/SANE nurse as well as an ED nurse and nursing faculty and could tell you horror stories of sex slavery, forced drug-induced underage against-their-will prostitution, child sexual assault and abuse... I would have nights I would come home after a traumatic patient experience and evidence collection and it rubbed off on my ex... he just could not disassociate what I had shared with him from what was on the screen. So... not all men become addicts, just like not all people that drink alcohol become alcholics. With that being said, my ex watched porn about once a month while we were together and asexual, and after I became a nurse, he stopped all together. I said all that to say, in my nursing experience, people become addicts usually to mask a deeper issue.

My husband losing his job with the Army was a signficant blow and one he will never quite get over, but he really loves what he does now. He is not tied to the phone, does not have to deploy and is outdoors (as an officer, he was always "on call" to respond to issue with soldiers under his command and he was stuck in a basement office for 60 hours a week).

I do believe that quitting PMO is one of the solutions we need. I do know that he needs to figure out what got him here in the first place and then he will be able to tackle that as well. As for our relationship, he needs to get rid of PMO, or I cannot stay...

Our healthcare system is horrible. We are completely underfunded for psych and insurance covers five to seven appointments, then it is at least $150 per session out of pocket. SIGH

I grew up in Germany and lived in Canada for three years, not saying both countries have the best healthcare, but it was better than what we have here.