My Journey Towards Peace (Journal)

God. I think I've ingested more coffee in the last week than I had in the last year. Thank you

Yes. Yes, yes, yes. I know for a fact he's not dealt with his grandfather's death. In fact he got teary eyed when I said something about waiting being hard and he went and grabbed his grandfather's Mason ring. I know this is hard for him to bring up in his mind. But maybe this will help him through it in a way.

God, I do not envy the nurses down in the CCU when we were down there. They transferred her to a quieter floor, thank god. It was hell down there. I hope your time there was rewarding, though. The nurses were great, and still are, I just don't think I could do it every day. But you're right, the love I've seen mine and other families share gives me hope.

I promise you all I am trying to take care of myself as well right now. I've spent most nights at home getting adequate sleep, but last night we really thought she was going to pass so I slept there. I've been making myself eat as well. And @Kenzi , I'm out of shows to binge as I just finished Stranger Things but I will try to paint my nails! Any recommendations?

 

Y'know, I don't think I ever watched that. No more than the episodes they showed on TV anyway. Is the whole thing on Netflix?

And if he doesn't... that will send a message to me too. I think I do want it more than he does, as in the entire relationship. I could be wrong, but I think he'd be perfectly content being alone for the rest of his life, with no one to tell him what to do. And yep, it sucks soooo very much.

 

Sweeeeet.
Now that I've lost Once Upon A Time as a favorite show (screw the jerks that screwed up my show), I should get more current shows too. I've got How to Get Away with Murder, The Good Place, and Agents of Shield that I keep up on.

Hm. Maybe I should start a thread about it, but I just had a thought about The Handmaid's Tale. Has anyone but me watched that? Super gritty and full of sociological and impactful plot points. I'm wondering if there's a divide here on whether or not the show sends a positive message to women. I'd be curious to know others' thoughts on it.

 

So. It's 1:30 PM on 11/29 and here I sit at work trying to formulate a journal post. This might turn long.

Before I do that I'll update you all. A few of you know already. My grandmother passed away very early Thanksgiving morning. This has been the hardest death I've ever had to face, as she was one of, if not THE most influential person in my life. She cut my umbilical cord when I was born, she taught me how to read, how to say no (not just to men but everyone), and most importantly, how to be strong in the face of adversity. She always told me I didn't need a man in order to be strong or successful. And she was damn right.

I find myself questioning the state of things with my fiance. He is detached and not talking to me again. I outright told him last night that all of our intimacy levels are low. (For anyone who doesn't know what that means, it's from the packet that Anna has posted somewhere on her blog. It describes types of intimacy and asks you and your partner to list on a scale of 1-10 how strong your intimacy is in all of these areas: physical, mental, emotional, intellectual &spiritual) He sort of just looked at me. I also tried to get him to take the 5 love languages test and he said he was too tired. I keep asking him why he's tired and he just says "what, do you think I jacked off or something? I didn't." like I'm supposed to believe it with that tone and attitude.

I don't know. I just wish he would offer himself to me more. I wish he would just look at me and say "I love all of you" or "let's sit and talk for a while". Is he getting defensive because he's trying to cover up a lie again? Is he still so depressed that he doesn't think he can talk to me? Is this still about his unresolved feelings about his grandfather? I just want my partner back. I need him to hold me. I need his reassurance that we're still okay and that my bravery in staying in this relationship wasn't the wrong choice to make. I need effort. I know I have to be assertive in my boundaries. I just don't want to do that if it's only going to make him withdraw even more. Any feedback would be so helpful.

 

Emotionally bad day aside, last night was far better than I expected. He was in a great mood when he got home from work. This is a result of a change in position he had starting this week. He's gone from selling cable products (Spectrum/Time Warner) to selling a credit monitoring software (the company who owns Credit Karma). The management is much more positive and the rules are much more... I can't figure out how to word this... generally enforced. Like, it's not that one person can get away with the same thing someone else would get in trouble for. There's a word for it, it's just not coming to me. I hate that.

Anyway, he's really liking the training aspect of it. And that's why he's been distracted the past few days, because he's been focused on learning the new position and it made him tired on Monday/Tuesday. He was in a good mood because he won a hat in a competition during training. I know, seems a silly thing to be happy about, but he was proud of it and I told him I was proud of him.

I made him take the 5 love languages test, finally. His top two, tied with 9 points each, were Acts of Service and Physical Touch. While I was not shocked about those, I was surprised how low his score was for my top, which is Words of Affirmation. I had 9 points on that one, he had 6. His third at 8 points is Quality Time, and both of our lowest are Receiving Gifts. That made me glad, that we at least share the last one. So that was a good exercise for us.
We then proceeded to have fantastic sex. So I'm at a YAY today.

 

It's been a while since my last journal. I guess I'll start one now.
Still no actual plan or work on his end for recovery/reboot. I keep asking, and I never get an answer.
I think he's afraid to fail so he's avoiding it altogether.
I fucking get it, okay? I get being afraid. But don't keep me waiting on something that will never come.
Don't keep me hanging onto nothing.

I'm angry because I had a thought today and I didn't like that thought.
I haven't broken down yet, about my grandmother. I mean, not really. I've cried for maybe 15 minutes total over the course of her being in the hospital and passing away and the funeral. Is that really enough? Am I that heartless now?
Or is this just me being okay with her dying? Or has it just not sunk in yet?
OR - the thought that bothered me so much - Is the whole PMO/Betrayal Trauma thing keeping me so distracted that I don't have time in my mind to really grieve?
I can't figure this out. Any help would be appreciated.

 

Thank you Anna What breaks my heart more is that I mentioned the packet a few weeks back... it still remains untouched on the bureau. We only got about 3-4 pages in, to the types of Intimacy and rating it. I had him compare numbers to mine. That was over a month ago.

I just sit and wait for him to either want to have sex with me or to talk about things, to work on us. It never occurs to him that I shouldn't have to be the one initiating the recovery work. But guess what he still does? Sex.

I'm going to try to nudge him gently again tonight. Not sure how gentle I will be able to be with how much anger I'm holding today. I might just have to say "I'm angry at you today, what should I do with it?" and let him decide if he wants to hear it. If not, prepare for another angry journal post.

 

I believe in that too... All the women in the family will be getting tattoos in her rememberance. They will be different versions of a hummingbird, as was her spirit animal, and one that has always made us think of her. Thank you dear friend

 

I set this extension long ago. We do have blocks in place, including an incognito blocker. I have access to his chrome history as well as his Google Account history so I know what he uses on his phone for apps.
Sadly neither of us can afford to see a therapist as our insurance deductibles must be met before anything is covered. My deductible is $6,300. Freaking USA healthcare at it's finest. But thank you for this advice, it's really appreciated.

 

Thank you, @Broken3 - I've always been more comfortable with death than a lot of other people, but I figured I'd feel way more than this with her. She was like... the most important person. I think it helped that I got to get closure with her before she died. Everyone got to have conversations and she got to tell everyone what she needed to. My 15yo female cousin got to tell her the truth and she accepted it(she's queer, my mom and I are the only other people who know so far, her parents are religious and anti-lgbtqa+,etc.) and my sister who lives down on Cape Cod was able to come up to tell her goodbye too. She knew about the PA, too. I talked to her about it last year.

I'll probably cry some more around Christmas. It was her favorite time. I don't think I'm done grieving yet. Anyway, on to write an update from last night.

 

Last night didn't go exactly as planned. While I did communicate a lot of anger, I didn't do it as constructively as I wanted to. A lot of passive aggression came out.
Eventually we agreed to re-evaluate what's been going on. I mentioned how upset I was that he put in so much effort to hide his addiction from me and lie to me, yet when it comes to fixing it, he puts in zero effort. He stated that he thought we'd moved on from it. I just gave him a blank stare.
How the hell could I move on without a long-term solution for this? I can't just forgive & forget. It's not that easy.
So I had to remind him of each situation that was traumatic for me and how I'm still not healed from them.
We discussed the differences between triggers & urges. He said he hasn't had urges for P or M at all, maybe twice in the past month for P, but only because of random 'boredom' spells. I asked him to be more aware of what might cause it, even if it's a tiny little Psub from a youtube scroll, or an ad on facebook.
Which reminds me.... has anyone else's SO claimed that their P urges don't come from triggers? I find it hard to believe.

I told him the end goal is for us to feel good enough about our relationship to get married.
We've agreed to do weekly check-ins on Friday nights. He's agreed to come on here more and read, watch videos with me on the subject, go through the packet I printed off a while ago, and check in with me more.
I'm pleased, but still nervous. I just hate this.
My winter depression is starting. Time to go and buy some vitamin D supplement, I think.