Finally Moving Forward ~Rachie's Journal

Thank you for the ginger ale suggestion. I haven't been able to really eat very much since all this started. Ginger ale is what my mom always gave me when I was sick as a kid. Cranberry ginger ale is so good!

 

Thank you for the encouragement. I can't really talk to anyone in my life about all of this. It's very isolating at times. I have no idea when/if I'll ever be able to trust him again but I'm trying to be positive.

 

So...I had always hoped that porn was the worst of it. When I could tell something was off with him, I told myself, "it's probably just porn." Nah, it was worse, waaay effing worse. He says the porn took him to the darkest place in his life. Thing is, lots of guys watch porn. Lots of guys can watch porn, go to dark places, and still not want to fuck your wife's sister.

He's freaking been obsessed with her. He keeps saying it all started with ogling and the porn. I don't buy it. I feel like he's using all of it as an excuse. I don't even know what to think right now. The details are so sordid. Seriously. Why couldn't it have just been a crap-ton of porn?

How am I supposed to spend Christmas day in the same house with her and him? It's not her fault. She doesn't know any of this. He says she's always acting flirty. He says she's always walking around half-naked. He says he didn't even really see her as a person, she was just another girl. Like live porn right in front of him.

He says he's not in love with her. How am I supposed to believe anything he says? What about Christmas? He says it's not a problem. He doesn't feel the same way anymore. He doesn't want her anymore. He just wants me. What happens when she comes upstairs in a tank top and short shorts? You're going to be totally cool? No problem?

I knew he thought she was hot. I'm not completely oblivious. He's been flirty with her in the past. I didn't know it went so much farther in his mind. I wasn't looking for it. I completely missed how bad it was. That's what is scaring the crap out of me.

 

Well, initially, I found out some stuff and I sat him down and told him that he had two options, either he stopped lying to me like he had for six years about every big/little thing or I was leaving. It scared him enough to tell me most of it.

That was about two months ago, right before we started therapy. Then he found out that I knew he hadn't stopped the porn and it all just came pouring out. It was like word vomit. I think there was a big part of him that was relieved to finally tell me everything.

I prodded him on with questions when he would get quiet and he just kept telling me more and more. I told him I wanted ALL the details, even the crap he didn't think was significant. I told him he owed me the whole truth. I thought I wanted to know everything, I thought it would make me feel better somehow. In a way, it kind of helped put pieces of the puzzle together. On the other hand, it made me a crazy wreak.

It helped that one of the worst conversations happened in the car. He was talking and I tried my best to look completely neutral and kept my voice soft so he wouldn't freak out and clam up but my whole body was shaking so bad I just knew for sure he'd see it. Thankfully the driving distracted him enough.

At the end of every conversation, I would tell him that if he remembered anything else, to tell me and I would listen to whatever it was, even if he thought it would hurt me. Part of me wants to hear every horrible detail, (morbid curiosity?) and the other part of me wants to scream, enough!!!! I can't take one more revelation!! No more details!!!

 

So, the whole Christmas situation is super complicated. I can't cancel it all together but I want to so bad. Every time I think about it I want to go hide in a dark hole somewhere. I can't avoid my sister forever. We see each other all the time. We go to the same church twice a week. She and my parents live ten minutes away. I know it's not her fault, but when I look at her I wanna puke.

What am I supposed to do? Just going over to my parents house right now is almost unbearable. I feel like I'm suffocating.

Why did he do this? Why couldn't he be obsessed with someone who I don't have to see all the time? Why my sister??? He keeps telling me more crap he did. What a effing creeper.

I feel like I'm going through every day on autopilot. My sister has always been the one I've went to when I needed to vent. She's the one I've always confided in. We've always been best friends and he's ruined all of that.

 

This is the sticking point. I've put up with so much stuff over the last six years. I've stayed when no self-respecting person would stay. I don't know if I can get over this.

 

So I've done some serious thinking about everything. Basically, I've decided to keep doing this with him. I feel like I've made it this far, I need to be completely sure, without any doubt, that I've done everything I can on my side to keep this marriage together.

We had to see my sister yesterday and I wasn't ready. I was a wreak. WS, on the other hand, was kind of amazing. I've never seen him like that. He kept within the boundaries, he followed all the rules, he went overboard making sure he was doing exactly right.

Maybe I'm being naive, maybe I'm a nutter. I don't know. He's still being honest. He's not relapsed yet. I have seen him try so many times to quit, but I think there is something different this time. There is a determination in him now that I've never, ever, ever seen.

I'm nervous about this decision, but I'll know if it was the wrong one soon enough. I know when he's lying. He's literally the worst liar on the planet. My thoughts are all weird and jumbly right now. I just feel kinda hopeful. I think I'd forgotten what that felt like.

 

Also, he was just looking everywhere for his phone and couldn't find it anywhere. He looked upstairs, downstairs, thought maybe one of the kids had taken off with it, I called it a bunch of times. I finally suggested that maybe he had left it in the car? (as if) He just brought it in the house. He accidentally left his phone in the car. For five hours. It probably doesn't seem like that big of a deal, but it is. It's a huge deal.

 

Thank you! Your replies always encourage me so much, really. It means a whole lot to me

 

So WS and I had an interesting conversation today. Basically, for the last six years, he hasn't cared about what I do. He's barely noticed that I was there. He'd pay me enough attention to get sex, and then wouldn't pay me any mind for however long.

I had always assumed he didn't care about me because I was chubby, wore boring clothes, and wasn't very interesting. I'm now realizing that some of it, at least, was because he was numbing himself with porn, and didn't care about anything.

When we first got married, it used to drive me nuts, I'd try everything to get his attention, I'd stand in front of him, naked. I'd try to make him jealous by hanging out with my friends all the time, or make sure I was talking to the hot guy at work when he would come pick me up. (stupid, I know) Eventually, I realized nothing was going to work, he just wasn't interested in me, and I stopped trying.

So, today, I texted him that I'd like to start going back to the gym. The kids are driving me crazy and I'm super stressed out and need an outlet. I expected an "m,kay cool," what I got back instead was him low-key freaking out. He doesn't want me to start going to the gym because the guys will be checking me out. "Don't you know that everytime we go to the store, guys are always looking at you, and that's not even in workout clothes." "What if you're mad at me one day and someone is super nice to you, what if they try to give you their number?"

I'm so confused. I've spent 6 years being invisible and now you notice I'm a human girl person?? I'm trying to tell myself that it's because he's not watching P and some of the fog is clearing but every fiber of me is saying that it's because I've lost a ton of weight over the last year and he's now realizing I'm not so repulsive. His PA has really demolished my self-esteem.

I don't even know how to react to this. Last week he was majorly upset because he said the maintenance guy was staring at my yoga pants. Who is this guy? In the six years we've been married, he's never shown any sign of jealousy. I often felt like I could be having sex with someone right in front of him and he's just nod off or decide to take the garbage out.

I'm so confused right now.

 

I'll try to think of it as a positive. Thank you for your perspective.

 

WS says he feels like he's officially flatlining. This is scaring the crap outta me. He says that at times, he feels completely numb. Yay! Just in time for Christmas with my family!

I'm not sure how this whole flatlining process works, which is partly the reason I'm so terrified. I hate the unknown. Also, I thought that during flatline, the PA had no desire for sex. WS says that while he's at work, he isn't having any urges for sex, but then he sees me, and he wants me. I don't know. I'm just freaking out today. Like every day here lately. We have therapy tonight, so hopefully that helps.

Random, I used to love the little Christmas countdown calender by the checkout at the store and now, every time I see it, I feel like its counting down to my doom I can't freaking wait till this month is over.

 

Thank you for your reply! Your theory makes so much sense. I also was confused about him wanting sex sometimes and not other times. He has mentioned that he's feeling really depressed. I'm worried about it. He said he'd like to start working out again and that has always helped him feel better so I hope it helps even if just a little bit.