expectations set high?

Where's the kids dad

 

Man.. It's tough being your first gf, but I have to say it sounds kind of codependent to me. Maybe not major stuff but yeah, it is kind of one way isn't it?

Guys like to be the savior, the knight in shining armor and girls may like playing the complementary part on some level - besides they get the practical help. At some point you have to ask yourself does she like you for playing that role or just like you for who you are? Because liking you for being in that good guy role is like fantasy, it's a story and not who you are as a whole person.

None of this is blaming her by the way, it may be that she's constantly stressed out and doesn't have the perspective of how it hits you, and frankly she may be nice but just doesn't have the maturity to really get that yet. I'm concerned it's going to hurt you down the line. Boundaries man, even in intimate relationships.. I know it's probably not going to help just me saying it though.

 

You aren’t going to get much in return any time soon. An infant is a full time job for two people, even then it helps to have family to help when you want to do things. Everything takes at least twice as long if the parents are on it. Double that if not. Her priority is, and should be, a 100% on raising her child. Raising a child is one of the most difficult things one can do, so you need to understand that when you might be really depressed, she probably doesn’t have the extra energy to help you as well, which is why she asks you to leave. She probably does welcome the help you are able to provide, but if the relationship is just starting out she may not feel secure that you are in it for the long run. She will have a lot of needs and favors out of necessity. Is this something you are able and willing to provide? Do you see them as a whole and can love them both and place them above your own needs? You have to prepare over the long term that you will become a father figure for her child, so your relationship isn’t just with her, but with her child. It is a heavy burden, so tread lightly and be honest, good communication goes a long way. If you have expectations from her you need to communicate those to her, she may have some of her own for you. In the end you will probably compromise on those expectations, thus begins the real relationship. You are a month in, so now might be the time to start those hard talks. The best relationship is founded on friendship, understanding and trust. From there is grows through vulnerability, security, and reliability. Maybe neither of you are ready, maybe the both of you are, but it’s just that the time is wrong. There are a lot of nuances to this, but the most important part has to be the child. If you focus there, I’m sure the love will follow.

 

Don't know exactly how the conversation went of course but I think there needs to be a distinction made based on what you wrote here. You are talking about emotional support for you and not what you are doing for her on a practical level with rides, maybe that needs to be cleared up. It's not like you want her to give you rides, you want to be comforted when you're down. She may honestly not have much to support you with having so much responsibility as a new mother though. Ideally we can say don't get romantic and attached and just give without any expectations but of course that's not realistically how it tends to go.

In terms of your needs being met with depression it's probably good to realize there is no reason to expect it to be met in a romantic relationship, it's natural to feel that way being it's intimate but it doesn't necessarily mean you can actually find it there. If you need to get either support or help (in the form of counseling perhaps) you may need to get it from outside the context of the relationship. That may mean spending time with friends for support instead of spending time with her trying to support her when you yourself are depleted.

 

This i ask, because depending on laws of where you live, it will eventually catch up with him.
In regards to your relationship, it really does not matter what family either of you have (her or you) the family that matters in this equation is the family of the child.
Unless he signs away his rights.
Or you adopt.
However, you are unsure of the relationship to begin with.
And feelings for the children only complicat the relationship between partners... Especially when you aren't the bio parent.
I speak having my children adopted by the stepparent.
This is a whole thing.
And it's a complicated one.
It's going to add more stress.
Is that stress welcome?
It's a question you really need to ask yourself.

 

Well I don't know exactly how it is with you and her of course but I think it's important not to get lost in being the rescuer, like I said the knight in shining armor being the one to save the day, that kind of thinking. It can be kind of subtle and when we're doing it we don't realize it, but in the long term it doesn't do anyone any favors if you burn yourself out. We're human and we have limits. Just take care of yourself.