Finally Moving Forward ~Rachie's Journal

Oh! Hubs is on NoFap too, it's just an abbreviation of his username. I don't really want to link him in my journal atm. He hasn't read it yet. I told him he could read it later. Right now, it's my place to come and vent or say whatever, without the fear that it'll come up in an argument or something.

 

Thanks, I didn't know you could do it that way! I might do that instead. I didn't want to use SO either. I know it's dumb but it just sounded impersonal to me.

 

I hate when WS has a change in his daily work routine. Even though he's a contractor, he usually works in the same spot every day. Today he's at the airport and I'm trying not to freak out. The airport is like a buffet to a PA.

He's had problems with ogling this week. Specifically, he's had problems with being completely honest about how hard it's been, how often ect. We have a new plan in place to make sure he stays accountable, but it'll only work if he follows through.

Because he's at a different job site, they took lunch later than normal, which just made me even more paranoid. Whenever he used to text that lunch was going to be later than usual, it usually meant that he'd found a super awesome pic or video that he just HAD to watch instead of chat with me.

He's trying to be sensitive to how nutty this is making me and offered to bring home my favorite dinner, which was really sweet. He's also been texting when he can to check in with me.

It's just days like this that remind me how much his PA has taken away from me. It's robbed me of my sense of security in our relationship and in him. Sometimes I wonder if the trust can ever be rebuilt to the point that I won't feel sick every time he leaves the house.

 

Yoga pants are the bane of my existence.

 

Things are getting worse. WS is 35 days PM free. It's the longest he's gone without it since he was a young kid. Problem is, WS has a pattern. He starts something he's super excited or motivated to do, he really gets into it, and then, when it's not fun, exciting, or interesting, he quits.

He's not quite there yet, but I can feel his motivation waning. I feel him putting walls back up. His progress is slowing down.

He says he feels less close to me than he did a couple of weeks ago. He blames it on sex. He says that when we weren't having sex, he felt closer to me, his head was clearer, he was more awake and alert.

What am I supposed to do with that? So I'm the reason he's acting like a dick? Being with me is going to cause him to fail?

He says he's not doing any of the things that he was doing before D-day, but he's starting to act the same. He's moody, shady, secretive, weird, and when I ask him what's going on, he says he's really tired. That was his standard answer before stopping PM.

I feel like we're heading towards the fallout of a relapse and I can't stop it. I can't make him tell the truth. I can't make him open up and tell me what's going on in his head. I can't want it enough for him that it'll magically keep him going in the right direction. I feel sick.

 

I feel like WS is playing mind games with me. He says he doesn't want to have sex for 30 days. Ok, fine. Problem is, as soon as he gets home from work, he's all over me. He does that till its time to go to bed.

Now, I'd consider my sex drive to be pretty high and last I checked, I'm human. So when my husband is kissing and touching me for several hours, I'm bound to be, ya know, wanting.

He comes to bed and says goodnight and rolls over. If I try to kiss him or touch him he says, "we have to be good, that's just going to make things worse."

Quick question: am I living with a psychopath?

 

Thank you for your reply. It makes me feel slightly better to think that he wants to be close to me instead of thinking that he's an evil sadist. It also helps to know that we're not the only people who've gone through this.

 

Yeah, there is a part of me that thinks this might be hard for him too. We're both doing it together and we've still got like 25 days to go.

I'm nervous about how bad it'll be before this is over. I think it's going to be a miracle if one of us doesn't go loony before the 30 days is up.

 

Ooh! I love t-shirts!! Sign me up

 

I love them so much