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Rewiring Process and What's Next After NoFap

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by Optimum Fortitude, Jan 11, 2018.

  1. Hi all,

    I have a question: is there any thread, article, youtube video, audiobook or any other material that focuses and discusses about the rewiring process and how to learn or relearn to love and bond with girls?

    I think we (or I, personally) are too focused on simply not PMOing, and I want to use each minute I spend not PMOing researching about how to rewire and how to live after my reboot. I assume I will stop NoFap after I'm cured. I just want to understand what to expect and what behavior will work best for me.

    Any advice welcome, thanks!!
     
  2. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    We are going to leave soon.
    We are two years rebooted.
    What do you want to know?
     
  3. Hey Kenzi,

    I guess my question comes from my fear of going out there and dating. I'm so worried of the moment when it's going to be time to go to the bedroom and not be able to perform. I am wondering when i should go from recovering to rewiring. And I wonder how to rewire and overcome my performance anxiety.

    I know right now I'm just at the beginning of a reboot. Day 13, it's nothing. I've been having pornographic dreams for the last 10 days. Again last night I dreamed I was PMOing. I don't think I'm anywhere near the point of going out and dating girls but I'd like to start reading stuff about how to overcome performance anxiety which is probably caused by my PMO addiction.
     
  4. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    My SO had extremely bad PIED.
    He had incredibly bad anxiety when rebooting in the beginning as he was afraid alone with me and all of his fears and no where to run, he would disappoint me.
    I think ultimately this part is the same?
    This is where your brain becomes the best and biggest sex organ.
    Communication is key.
    You should talk about sex before you ever have it.
    On our (me and my SO) second date we were talking about our expectations and what they were, if there were.
    Did we have anything either of us should know?
    Share?
    Do you like this...? Honestly? (not necessarily as 'dirty talk'?)
    I want to know (this goes both ways)
    When all else fails, the only person that can tell you what they like is the other person who you are in the experience with.
    It doesn't have to be a nervous wreck.
    Be honest.
    Be upfront.
    I said I thought porn should be involved, as a couples thing.
    (that worked out Swell, Lmao)
    But it was honestly my opinion at the time.
    You are your own best judgment.
    Take it slow.
    If it doesn't feel right, stop.
    At any point.
    Even today, almost two years into reboot we have moments where if it's a weird thing, we pause. (if he wants to stop we stop. If I want to stop we stop)
    Anyone who is trying to be involved with you, if you get to nervous or something and you need whatever, should ultimately respect your decision.
     
    Optimum Fortitude likes this.
  5. Thanks a lot for your post Kenzi. I'm just wondering if I'll ever be able to admit my addiction or what will soon (I hope) be a past addiction to anyone, not lest a potential girlfriend. I expect she would reject me plain and simple and I would feel terribly bad.
     
  6. Things should improve once you get past the addiction. A lot of social/erotic interactions that were difficult or forced will become easier and more natural. Also once you stop being an addict of PMO you will hopefully not become a sex addict. I think for many here that is all they want. To fall from one addiction into another. If you can have sex be a thing you 'want' rather than a thing you 'need' if you truly could care less about having an orgasm or not. Then everything will become more beautiful relaxed and natural. You'll become attracted (and attractive to)a different kind of person and have much more meaningful and fulfilling relationships.

    But you have to deconstruct what is leading into addiction in the first place. Lately I have been very focused on the mentality and assumptions behind scoring an orgasm. As a male I was obsessed by this for a long time. But if you really observe your orgasms and think about them they are actually not that great. Yeah you get a big brief bang... but it comes at a cost. Not going to write too much because you may not be interested. But just as with nofap you become more alert and sensitized the same thing happens if you take the focus away from orgasm. Everything but orgasm becomes more and more interesting and charged and pleasurable... and having an orgasm is what takes that all away...
     
  7. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    I think it will be fine.
    I thought one of the best things my SO ever said was "can we not watch porn anymore? I'd only like to be with you."
    You should no longer view it as negative, but liberating to your new life
     
    Deleted Account likes this.
  8. throwaway11

    throwaway11 Fapstronaut

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    How long did it take for him? I'm on day 74 and I still can't get remotely hard under any circumstance and it's ruining me
     
  9. The rule here is simple: you will always be an addict. Which means you will be able to become completely clean and let yourself go and fall down the same rat hole all over again. This appears true for anyone who has been addicted to anything. You simply have to take care of yourself, and you can't let yourself go. No the other truth here is that most people now a days are sex addicts and don't even realize it. So you really have a huge advantage.
    As far as talking about it to girlfriends... this is a tough subject... it is clearly the case that the majority of women have no understanding or sympathy for this... you have a far better chance referring to this as something that happened in the past, after you have successfully rebooted and truly are no longer stuck... but this may be the one thing you can't afford to be totally honest about... it's a tough sell I know... but you should try it on some girls you are dating and not super interested in. Mention you have struggled with this. The effect is so immediate and devasting that you may as well use it as a break-up technique....
     
    Optimum Fortitude likes this.
  10. Thanks for your post! I am interest! If you want to write more, please feel free (I copy/paste meaningful posts into a word document to re-read things later on), or if you have links to materials and forum threads please also do not hesitate to post!

    I understand what you mean about switching from PMO addiction to sex addiction. I don't think I'd go down that path. I've never been to a hooker because it's against my principles (just like porn is basically) and I was never interested in casual sex. I want to have a meaningful relationship and experience real intimacy with a girlfriend who could potentially be my wife. I am looking long term relationship.

    So my initial question was exactly this: I doubt I can deconstruct my PMO addiction by just abstaining and having new hobbies. What can I do to make sure it's gone forever? I was thinking about seeking the help of a psychotherapist or something like that when I have 90 days of nofap under my belt. But is this enough?

    And then about building meaningful relationships, I guess it's like a job search. You can't just accept the first job, you have to accept the right job. And for that you need to date but take my time to choose when to go farther with a person. But we live in a society where it seems that everything needs to happen instantly. My friends have always told me things such as "if you don't close your deal tomorrow, she'll friendzone you". I'm 29 year old, are we still playing these games at this age?
     
  11. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    It took around a year
     
  12. throwaway11

    throwaway11 Fapstronaut

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    Jesus Christ without any results???
     
  13. LilD

    LilD Fapstronaut

    Things like dating, relationships, and love are too broad to be covered by any single book, video, or article.

    Why? Is there something stopping you from going on a date now?
     
  14. I sadly agree. I've accepted this fact.

    I feel the same way, and the media and our consumerism culture make it seems like it's what normalcy is. I'm glad I'm not the only one thinking something's messed up.

    Yea. I think that's a good point. Honestly I'd rather be a former heroin addict, perhaps. It would be easier to admit than a PMO addict. If you bring the PMO topic on the table, she could wonder what type of shit you were addicted to, what type of messed up things you've seen and could still be in your head. It can create a lot of insecurities on her end.

    But I think if I don't tell my future girlfriend this dark secret, I'm going to live in fear forever.
     
  15. Right now my job (way to many hours a week, and exhausted/recovering on weekends (if I don't have to work then..)), and the fact that I'm too worried about not being able to be a good BF in general (because of long working-hours and this PMO addiction and PIED). I want to at least get three months behind me before I really start dating.

    My job is affecting me a lot. It's absolutely soul-crushing. Hopefully I'll be able to quit soon - I just need to figure out what else I can do that would be professionally fulfilling and satisfying and that would allow me to have a better work/life balance.
     
  16. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    I' Screenshot_20170817-070227.png I'm glad it only took a year to get to a good place. Sometimes it takes longer
     
  17. throwaway11

    throwaway11 Fapstronaut

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    Ugh so does that mean I should expect to see nothing after like 150 or so days? I don't know how my GF could stay with my then. Also I would probably want to see a doctor if I saw nothing by around 150
     
    Kenzi likes this.
  18. I think like any addiction, it’s a life long thing. You can never pmo again otherwise you’ll be back here.
     
    Kenzi likes this.
  19. I would get a therapist right away. BTW it won't be easy as almost all therapists are bought into the 'sexual revolution' and all its terrible offshoots. Meaning they will try and convince you that pmo is just fine etc. So you may have to try a few before you find one that is good for you. Now even the exercise of winning a therapist over to help you with something they may not agree with can be a useful. Useful in strengthing how you talk about this and reason about it. And therapists can be really helpful even if they do not agree or understand this aspect about you. The point to seek one right away is that if you are like me the issues that lead to addiction may have nothing to do with sex. I have a low self esteem streak causing me to get hurt easily causing me to self-medicate with food or pmo. I am convinced you can become a sexual control grand master but if you ignore your core emotional issues you will go back down the same or some other rat hole (if you are like me). And I really had no clue about my emotional issues. I was convinced I had none. So going to a few therapists helped me a lot.

    Actually, I think we are about at the same social stigma as a heroine addicts... heronine addicts have a really bleak outlook... our odds and outcomes are much better... the number of heroine addicts who end up destroying themselves (even after being clean for decades) is staggering. I think we are fortunate to be aware of our problem and even though coming to terms with it is hard and can take a long time with ups and downs... it is a very good thing to have overcome.

    Yes this is the dilemna. Certainly, if you bring it up too early it will become the most significant thing about you and your chance of being rejected is very high. It is a really big deal. And I guess what I would recommend is that you get to know her really well before you open up about it. You kind of have to find a balance where the relationship is strong enough to handle this but not so deep that having withheld it so long becomes a problem.
     
    Optimum Fortitude likes this.
  20. If your girlfriend needs you to score I would dump her now. It's that simple. Regarding how long to wait I think we discussed this in another thread... after 150 days you might go and see a doc... but there is no reason to be in a hurry or worried. You've spent years getting messed up. Spend a half year getting or a whole year getting straightened out is not a big deal. What is the alternative? Being screwed up for life? Whatever it takes it is worth it.
     
    throwaway11 likes this.

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