Afraid she'll run if she knew about your PMO

Thank you for this. As an ex SO I encourage men to do this all the time. Many women are fine with your struggles, but almost all women hate to be deceived.

 

Thank you so much for writting this !!!! You have no idea how much I needed to hear this message today ....

It has really lifted my mood and brought a ray of sun shine into a very grey day !!!

Thank you for sharing and I look forward to getting where you are today…

Take care and keep fighting P

 

OMG no. If you wait until before marriage, you have not built enough trust because all trust that you built will be gone in the five seconds it takes to realize you have been dishonest with her for your entire relationship! I recommend that you tell before emotional attachments begin, so before you have sex. Not on the first date, but likely by the 3rd. The reason is that if you are with a woman that cannot handle it, even if it’s just in your past, you need to know that so you can end things with her then before it gets too serious. Some women will not want to date you because you are a PMO addict ex or current. But many women will have no problem with dating you if you are honest with it. On the simple level I equate it to men or people that lie on online dating. Men for example who say they are 6 foot tall and are barely 5 foot 5. When he shows up the woman is going to see he was lying. And men have this odd theory that she is going to see him and just be so wowed that she forgets about his height, nope not going to happen. Why? Because you lied to her. Many women are fine with dating short men and if you had been honest with her, she would have continued seeing you, but now you are just a liar in her eyes. And why would you want to date someone that does not want to date you? There are women that have no problem with dating a prior PMO addict that’s wh o you want to be with. Why instead keep it from her only to find out 10 months in that she will not date you and wh would you want to date someone who does not accept you for who you are?

I think the reason men don’t tell is two fold. First they don’t think any women will accept their addiction or past, so they have to lie and second, that once she gets to know and trust you she will be fine with the fact that you lie, just like the online dater thought he would wow the women with his personality or in person presence, PMO addicts think that the women will do the same, not care. Neither of these things are true.

 

Finally a man gets it! All we women want is honesty! Had my husband told me when we were in the dating stages, I would have been so proud of him for being honest and I would have helped him with roboot and been his support. I am that now, but it hurts because of the lying, not the addiction. Being honest is the best thing and I commend you for being honest with the women you dated, you make me have hope for other men out there! Keep being awesome.

 

Surfing Poet, no, GG2002 is wrong!! How many times have you heard of a woman who falls for a guy, then finds out something about him that would have been a dealbreaker before she fell in love with him, but now she's in love with him, so she forgives him? This happens many, many, many, many, many times! All you have to do is read some of the threads here and you will read examples of this. I TOTALLY understand why a guy would not tell a woman up front about his PMO. Why? Because women often do NOT understand the strong pull of porn to most guys. And yet they JUDGE a man for this. What do men judge a woman so harshly for? The answer: NOTHING! If a woman tells a guy, at the start of a relationship, that she has a clothes shopping compulsion, which is an overwhelmingly female affliction, does a guy leave her in the dust for this? No, he doesn't.

Is it right for a guy to keep this hidden from a woman before she falls for him? No, not really. But is it understandable? It most certainly is. And when you win the heart of a woman you crave who wouldn't have let you try to win her heart had you told her about your PMO at the start, YOU HAVE WON IT ALL!!

 

To All Men Reading:

Ignore the above advice, the woman will leave or never be the same. Just look at the Rebooting in Relationships section, go to the partners forum, you will see women, devastated, shells of their former selves because of the lies and secrecy. Not because of the porn. It's because of the lies and broken trust. @GG2002 is very accurate in her post about what women want (she would know she is a woman).




To @Thomas Smith let me give you some scenarios to consider.

Scenario one: You meet a girl, you are interested, starting to have feelings, you're dating, you fall in love, and you are engaged. She is THE love of your life, pure perfection in your eyes, you're head over heals. Suddenly, it's your wedding night, she sits you down because she thinks she should tell you before she marries you so you don't leave because in her mind well you love her, and nothing will change your mind about her. She says, "Sweetie, I need to tell you that during our entire relationship of (lets say 5 years) I've been camming. Now, if you aren't aware of what that is, it means I strip tease for guys online, and will do whatever dirty act they pay me for. I've cammed live and interacted, and I just thought you should know marrying me, means you will be marrying me while I am with other men and getting sexually fulfilled by them as well as you, but I love you too. I can't wait to marry you tomorrow, and I know you won't leave, you love me after all.I've tried to quit in the past but I can't, I have an addiction to attention. "

Scenario two: You meet a girl, you're interested, you have feelings and soon are dating and are starting to fall for her. But you have yet to have sex with her, it's been two weeks, you're starting to wonder what's going on, but she is amazing, perfect in your eyes, and maybe you just think she's shy about sex. So you wait, like a gentleman. You guys do other things along the line, and you're madly in love. You propose to her down the line, and you still haven't been able to fully have sex with her because she pushes you away. But you know she is amazing, and you know no matter what you love her. Then a week before the wedding you finally snap, asking why she won't sleep with you. She says, "I have something to tell you, I am sorry. Please don't be angry with me. I haven't had sex with you yet because I haven't dealt with something. I love you and trust you, and I haven't had sex with you because I was raped, and I haven't dealt with it. I don't know if I can really have sex right now, or anytime soon. It was brutal and every time we are physical together I get minor flashbacks. If I tried sex I think I'd break down with a full flash back and not be able to do it. I know you love me and won't leave me knowing I can't have sex for an indefiniate amount of time. I am so excited to marry you next week, I love you so much, and this was very hard to tell you."

Scenario three: You meet a girl, you are interested, starting to have feelings, you're dating, you fall in love, and you are engaged. It's a couple days before your wedding. You've been able to tell things were off for a while, but everytime you confronted her she just amounted it to work stress. Finally, she confesses her addiction to you days before you plan to marry her. She sits you down and says, "Honey, I need to say something. I've been holding this in for a while, thinking you won't understand. So, you know how men and women are different? Men are into porn and women love connection? Well, I have an addiction to dating apps and I currently have 5 different profiles up. I've been talking to other men, sexually and emotionally, since we first got together (let's say 7 years ago). I've never met up with any of these men, but there are a couple few that are very special to me, I've shared things with them that I have never even shared with you. I love you though, only you. I know you can look past this because you love me. I am willing to get help, but I just wanted to be honest before our wedding. I love you."




Tell me, you Thomas, and any other men reading this, please, honestly, what would you say to the women in those scenario's? Would you look past the lies, past the secrecy, past the cheating or betrayal (since most women consider PMO cheating if not full out betrayal)? Would you still go through with marrying them, answer that honestly. Would you marry them knowing they would continue whatever behaviour (maybe try to stop but repeatedly fail [she is still camming with other men, she still cannot be intimate with you, she still is being closer with other men than you)?

Do you value honesty in a person or a person who is either too scared or cowardly to be up front from the beginning about things that would alter your life forever?

 

AnonymousAnnaXOXO, I didn't say that it feels great to find something out after you've fallen in love with a guy and are hooked on him, but for a guy, if it's a choice of getting the girl of your dreams this way, or NOT GETTING HER AT ALL, I see why a guy would lie up front. As for your 3 scenarios, they are nicely fleshed out. But 2 of them have to do with ACTUAL interaction with other guys. With PMO for guys, there is no actual interaction with other women. Big difference. So they are above and beyond what PMO is - no real interaction with another woman.

What's left? Scenario 2. With that scenario, I wouldn't be nearly as upset as the other 2 scenarios. And I would definitely stay with the woman I love. I would just work to get her the healing she needs.

 

But what's is worth more? Getting the girl of your dreams and crushing her and devastating her later? Or putting all cards on the table because you have faith and respect her? And wait, camming and porn are very similar. What if in the scenerio she just videoed herself and didn't actually live video with the guy videoing back and there were just chat requests?

To a woman pmo is a huge betrayal.

And to your point, answer for yourself, what did those scenario's bring up in you? Did you feel inadequate? Not good enough? Did you question your looks? Desirability? Did you question why the hell did it take so long to tell me? Why did you lie? Did you not trust me?

If you asked any of those questions, then you have just begun to understand what a SO feels when they find out later.

So if people on this forum want successful and healthy relationships, those are accomplished with honesty, trust, and constant communication, which fosters intimacy. If people want relationships that are unhealthy and lacking, those are based on lies, manipulation, selfishness, etc.

I'm just saying it's better to be honest than to lie. Lying hurts more than the addiction, whatever the addiction may be.

 

I have learned that there are some addicts that get it and some that don’t and probably never will. The difference between the two is that the former is significantly more likely than the latter to be successful in love.

The scenario described by @thomassmith is akin to false advertising or duping people. It’s like someone selling you an expensive brand name bag, and a year or so into owning it it starts falling apart. You return it to try and get it repaired (as this is commonly free with designer bags) and are then told it’s a knock off. Do you say oh let me go ahead and keep it anyways, I have grown to love it even though it’s not what I was told it was and now I’m having serious issues with it but that’s okay. I don’t need a refund. Of course not! Now if when you bought it you were told it was a knock off and it was offered at a lower price or had qualities other than being designer that you liked would you buy it then? Maybe. But if you did buy it knowing it was a knock off and it fell apart later how would you feel then? You would be fine because you knew it was a knockoff and expected it.

On its basic level this is what is being proposed. Trap a woman into a relationship by deceiving her in the hopes that by the time the truth is revealed she will be too deep in (maybe with kids and marriage) and it will make it harder for her to leave. But many women will do just that because they are not in love with you at all. They are in love with a person who does not exist! So that “Love” is not going to keep them with the man. It does not exist. And now the addict may have involved kids in the situation. There is no way to say this other than the addict is being incredibly selfish.

@AnonymousAnnaXOXO i agree with all of your examples. I don’t differentiate them from not revealing pmo because some involve other humans. They all involve betrayal and that’s what is the problem. It matters not what fact was not disclosed. All that matters is that a fact that a person would want to know before getting into the relationship or that may effect his or her choice to date you has been hidden from you. You can replace pmo with anything else, he has a child, he’s done time in prison, he is impotent, she is frigid. And addicts can’t say that they are not sure pmo would fall into this category because the whole reason they don’t reveal is because they suspect the other person may not want to date them.

This is not simply a case of a guy looking at some porn and women not understanding all men do that. This is an addiction that is going to effect the most intimate and intrical part of a relationship! And no she’s not going to love you so much to overlook you keeping this from her. It’s also untrue that all women are disgusted by porn. I’m not. It’s the addiction. And the lying.

When I read these posts from addicts I read extreme insecurities. That they must pretend to be someone they are not to get a girl. There are women out there that will accept an addict. The girl that does not is not the one for him. There are plenty of fish in the sea.

But we will never convince some men and that’s sad for the women that they are manipulating and hurting. But it’s actually more sad for them. Because as hurt as that woman is she will walk away and find an emotionally healthy and honest man. The addict who is not willing to be honest will keep repeating the same scenario and end up alone.

 

Thank you, you got exactly what my point was. It's about the concept of betrayal and dishonesty.

Yes, because if we have all the info we need to make wise decisions for ourselves we would be able to choose whether we wanted to be with an addict, and when they relapse we would be more ready for that because we are aware.

Yes, it is very sad to see that. I see the insecurities too. I hope that everyone can overcome this and know that they are worth being loved, even their dark side because in truth everyone has something they may be ashamed of or regret and makes them feel like, "well if they knew this they wouldn't want to date me"

I just had to address this, it's been bugging me. But winning... people win prizes and trophies, aka objects. People are not objects. People are humans, women are humans not to be won but to be respected. I just wasn't sure if your wording reflected your views on women as objects or if it was poor wording. And if you "win" the woman by lying and she finds out, you may have "captured" her but you also have broken her. So again is it worth breaking the person you claim to love to keep them?

 

@Merovingian Thanks for being one of the awesome honest guys, it makes me happy to think about the lucky girl who will get to experience honesty with you. She is truly going to be lucky to have an honest man

 

AnonymousAnnaXOXO, before I answer your questions, tell me one thing that MOST women do that a significant number of men have a big issue with, so big that they wouldn't date that woman if they knew she did it. (This is very relevant to what I have to say - that's why I'm asking.)

 

Been a porn star? Had sex with multiple guys? Lie? Ummm cheat? Ummm not give the guy enough attention? Those are just things I know guys aren't fond of