Finally Moving Forward ~Rachie's Journal

Haven't been on here in a while. Things are going better. It always makes me nervous when everything seems calm. I'm trying to learn to just enjoy the good times and not worry so much about what's going to happen next.

I don't have very much to say. Just wanted to be able to look back and see that there were good, peaceful moments in the middle of all this crappy turmoil.

I also know that March is going to really freaking suck and I'm trying to mentally prepare myself for the absolute nightmare it's going to be.

 

We have to see WS's family in March. He always gets really weird when they're around.

In the past, WS would increase his P use when we had to see them. I'm sure it's because they stress him out really bad. I'm worried that this is when he'll relapse.

 

I haven't posted in a while. I'm tired. All the time. I can sleep for eight hours and it does nothing. I can't seem to get enough sleep to make me feel human.

Things are going ok with us, I guess. WS is trying to get better, I'm trying to help him. Everything just feels flat. I have bursts of emotion, anger, happiness, frustration, joy. Then it just goes back to being flat again.

The exhaustion is always in the forefront. The house isn't getting cleaned like it should. The kids aren't getting the attention they need. WS isn't getting all the support he needs. I want to care about this stuff.

When I look around, I see all the things I'm neglecting and I want to care, but I just don't. I'm tired and I don't know how to fix it.

I've tried more sleep, B12, Iron, multivitamins, so much stuff. I'm starting to think it's not physical and that scares the crap out of me.

 

I've not read very much on betrayal trauma. WS has told me a little about it. How do I get over it? Is it a thing you can get over?

I'm so scared of depression. Depression took away two years of my life. I've had bouts of depression that came and went, but there was a two year chunk of time that is just a blur in my mind. I gained 90 pounds and didn't care about anything. I don't ever want that to happen again. Freaking ever.

 

Thanks for reminding me. I've been meaning to look at the stuff she's posted and I completely forgot.

 

Thank you!

 

This is something I've been thinking about a lot lately. WillSquirrel has been a PA for a very long time. He'd already been a PA since before we met.

That doesn't keep me from feeling guilty. When we were first married, I would send him emails with pics of lingerie and various things that I wanted to buy. The lingerie was on beautiful models. I was basically sending him P.

He's told me that I'm the reason he ever looked up a celebrity for P. I showed him a movie and after watching it, he looked up the main character because he thought she was beautiful.

In our conversations, he admitted that most of the research he did on girls is because I would mention one, say something about someone, or show him a picture, and that would spark his interest.

He didn't even know what incognito mode was, until I confronted him one day about him possibly using it. He found out where it was, and used it every time from that day forward.

I'm so mixed up about this. Part of me knows I didn't create a PA, but the other part of me feels like I just helped him right along. I feel so much guilt about this.

I tried talking to my mom about it yesterday. She told me that I shouldn't feel guilty about his P addiction because it wasn't my fault, what I should feel guilty about is talking to him about girls if I suspected he was a PA, and for creating a smarter PA.

So basically, she's confirmed my fears. I have a reason to feel guilty. I had a part in all this.