My 90 Day PMO Journey - What is Life Like Now?

Hi everyone! I have hit 90 days, and I thought I would share with all of you who are on your journey, so that it might help you in some way

I could write lots and lots on this, but I might break it down into general stages of how I felt throughout the journey.

1. Facing your Fear

For me, porn was a way I could escape. Sometimes life was difficult for me, or I didn't feel loved, so I wanted to escape to a place which would comfort me and make me feel loved. As soon as I stopped PMO I had to face my fears more directly. Each time I felt scared, I got such a strong urge to use porn, but using the management strategies (the nofap app, validating myself, comforting myself etc.) I kept it just under control. This was a really difficult stage, but I found taking it moment by moment really useful.

2. What Now? Trying to Find Myself

Now that I was beginning to be able to manage my fears and emotions a bit better, there was a bit of a gap within myself. I tried filling this in many ways. For me this was mostly socialising every night, meeting new people, going to the gym, studying languages, but I also tried other things like a bit of drinking. Some of these were not so good for me, some of these were too much in excess that my life was getting a bit out of control. I was tired because I went out too late and couldn't function during the day, and didn't really have any 'me time' because I realised I didn't really know what 'me' was.

After time (these things take time), and learning to distinguish why I was doing certain activities made me be able to learn what was good for me, and what I enjoyed. Some things I was doing because I wanted others to approve of me, and other things I just used to escape. The important thing is to learn to listen to your emotions and let that guide you on what you should keep in your life and what you shouldn't.

3. Starting to Feel Like a Human Again and not a Person with Problems

I now started finding time for myself, found things that I enjoyed and did things in moderation. However, I still felt like a victim. A person with problems. A broken machine that needed repair. This made me feel terrible and I always felt like a self improvement project working towards some 'future' instead of enjoying now. But through doing the things previously, I started to feel more happy with who I was. I was doing things true to me, and my mindset got to the point where I could start believing I wasn't a person with problems. I was a person, and a really good one at that.

4. Relationship Stuff

Throughout me exploring myself and what I liked during that time, I met lots of wonderful people, including girls. I now notice I appreciate qualities such as kindness, caring and emotional understanding a lot more than I used to. Looks and expectations from porn are starting to fade out (but haven't yet completely). I personally still feel not completely ready for relationships at this stage. Many of the effects of porn have been reduced dramatically, but I think some are still there. I think someone being 'ready' really depends on the person and how they feel with themselves.


All in all, stopping porn has allowed my to properly face my problems and fears instead of running away from them. This has allowed me to really start being in control of my journey for the first time in my life, instead of paddling in the water just trying to stay afloat. Porn screws with your mind, like your expectations and your self esteem, and only time away from it can really help you to start repairing.

Sorry for the long post, but best of luck to you all, and you all deserve to be in control of your path and be the best and happier you.

 

I'm glad it helped you!

It really is a journey to go through and I think many of us experience this, we all pretend we are ok when we are not.

I tried lots of things, some worked better for me, and I think different things will work better for different people.

First off I think it is important to learn to validate yourself. This means recognising your emotions and realising it is ok to be feeling the way you do. So for example, if you are feeling bad for not being able to show who you really are to people, then you need to tell yourself it is ok to be feeling that way (maybe you were hurt in the past when you were yourself, or are just scared for some other reason, but that's ok). This website can even be good for that since you realise there are many others in your situation.

After you have done that I find it useful to recognise that what you are thinking and reality is most likely different. So for example, in most situations people probably really don't care whether you like purple socks or red socks. Even if you think it is a big deal, it probably isn't.

You can then take it to the next stage through action. So be honest when you are scared to be honest and see how it goes. If it goes well, then it will be easier for you to be honest again, and then even easier the next time etc. until you become comfortable with it.

That's the idea of one strategy which worked well for me. (This strategy is the CBT - cognitive behavioural therapy method. You can look this up for more detail if you like)

You can also try other strategies which use action to change things which you are not happy with. This can be useful for changing beliefs or for becoming someone you want to be. Kinda like how by doing the nofap challenge, you realise you don't really need porn even though you think you do right now. So that is challenging your beliefs. If you think you have low self confidence, do things which high self confidence people would do etc. and then you will eventually say to yourself 'I must be one of those high self-confidence people'. This is scary to do, but can be the most rewarding if you can pull it off. I advise you to start small and then you can build up to more challenging things

I guess another important thing is you should ask yourself 'who do I want to be?' and 'what is important to me?'. This includes what values do you appreciate, what things do you enjoy and all of those things. This is really important for building up your identity and sense of self. This one is tough because it takes time to realise. I'm guessing at the moment your values and what values you think you should have (according to others) are a bit mixed and it is difficult to distinguish them. You really need to listen carefully to your emotions, and often looking into your past often helps (what did you like as a child? what has always been important to you?). With activities you should ask 'if no one saw or knew I did this, would I still get something from this?'.

So overall, you can work this from two angles, that is from your actions and also through building your sense of self. I advise you to try from both angles with the goal of having them align. When they align, I think you will find yourself not at conflict with yourself, and who you present yourself as and who you are become the same.

It is normal to act a bit differently when meeting new people so that you are likeable, but maybe not to the extent you are not being honest. Then with close friends you recognise it probably isn't the best thing.

Remember, different things will work better depending what stage you are at. So find what works for you. I do strongly advise that stopping porn is a big part of it, that stuff can really mess with your self esteem and your head.

I hope my writing is clear, it is difficult to try and write so much in a short space!