I may have just ruined my marriage

Hi Everyone,
Wife of a recovering PA here. It has been a very difficult 3 months at home. My husband's addiction got to the point where he asked for help. At that stage, he was spending hours everyday browsing, downloading, organizing porn files. He had escalated to watching very extreme categories of videos that are not even hosted on porn sites, but on aggregator sites that cater to very niche interests. When we had our first major confrontation, I was shocked at the sheer amount of porn he had and the fact that his latest videos were so extreme in content. These were videos that the vast majority of the population would find disturbing or nauseating, rather than arousing (nothing illegal in their content or distribution method).
He said he would stop downloading, and he did. He said he would start throwing out files, because he knew the excess he went to was insane. First he only threw out the disturbing things I asked him to. Gradually he began to throw out other things. But he also told me that he would keep some. That he had "favorites." He was making progress, but I was still disappointed in him. Yesterday I did something extreme. I threw out all of my husband's porn. All of it. I destroyed a huge stack of dvds and I deleted all of the saved files.
I know that it was wrong to do this when he was making the effort to do it on his own. It means I still don't trust him. I was willing to risk his anger at me. His attachment to it makes me think that he is pathetic. I'd rather deal with his anger at me than constantly seethe with contempt at his patheticness.
I confessed to throwing everything out this morning. He asked if I am trying to drive him away; this weekend we had agreed to work on trust issues, and I obviously didn't keep up my end of the bargain. I've blown it in a big way. I said something horrible: "your porn makes me hate you. I would rather it be gone, and you be angry with me, than have it in the house while I think about how much I detest you and how I will leave you."
I'm afraid I may have driven him back to downloading. I know he has some files saved on his laptop. I didn't delete those. He said it is "just a few picture sets." I don't care what they are.
I am not looking for validation for what I did. I am not posting here to get support. I know that what I did is wrong. We had just had a good conversation about working on ourselves and eachother and I blew it big time.

 

@TryingHard2Change,
Thanks for your replies. It means a lot to have someone to talk to about this right now.
From my husband's perspective, he probably sees me as someone who doesn't keep her word. I say one thing and do something else. Our conversation was serious and genuine. I told him I had given up on us and was ready to leave if serious changes weren't made. I drew my lines in the sand. He asked me to trust him to get rid of the stuff on his own. I said ok. And then I didn't... I feel genuine remorse about this...
As I look at your analogy with alcoholism more closely, it is clear that you recognize the excuses made by the addict who is currently abstaining. It is almost as if he is holding a drink in his hand and saying "see, I'm not drinking it. I'm just holding it, but I'm not drinking it and I'm not buying more. Just holding it for now."
There is clearly more than the porn underlying our relationship problems. I'm afraid there is some part of me that utterly detests him and finds him pathetic. That is furious with him for putting our marriage in this stupid, miserable place.
I acknowledge that I have problems with trust. If this relationship means anything to me anymore, I'll need to work on that.

 

@NF4L,
This is probably the worst part. I would have liked for him to do it himself. Part of me felt he never would, and I admit that this is my problem with trust.
If my actions say anything, they say: 1) I don't trust you to get rid of it on your own; 2) I don't care if you are angry with me, I just want that shit gone.
In the long conversation we had this weekend, he said maybe one day we can watch porn together. I think if we are to do that (and its a slippery slope), it would have to be something we decide to do together. Not him pulling out a disk drive and saying "here's one of my old favorites." There's an element of coercion there. Not a choice made together about something we do together. This seems characteristic of his interactions with me in general.

 

@AnonymousAnnaXOXO
Thank you for your reply. I really need people to talk to now, and it means a lot to read your post. I've said this multiple times: people have choices! I said that when downloaded the truly vile stuff that made me sick, and worse, made me hate him for bringing it into our lives and our home. He said he downloaded that stuff because he was feeling bad about himself. I said: People have choices. Make better ones! But of course, this applies to me too. I have choices, and I need to make better ones. I need to start following my own mantra.

 

@NF4L
Thanks for sharing your experience with this. It sounds like slippery slope to me too, but I didn't want to reject it in a knee-jerk reaction. I suppose that watching together is the addict's way of getting permission to keep the door open to browsing, then browsing on one's own, then browsing more, then breaking open the floodgates of addiction again?

 

Hmm..so "I'll drink only when I'm with you," becomes "by the way, I remembered that drink you liked, so I wanted to try something similar and I think you'll like this." And before long, "I was drinking the other day and..." back to square one.

 

@bumpyhelodermatidae
Thank you for your thoughtful post. It means a lot to read what you have shared.

He needs to do this himself. I keep finding all sorts of weird traces. Not just porn videos and pictures. But text files with long lists of links to his "favorite" clips and performers, etc. Text files named "Untitled" with lists of the names of the super posters who upload files to these massive filesharing aggregator sites. Everytime I search I find another such list or document. It is like they are an infestation that spread everywhere. And he is obsessive and backs up everything and saves everything multiple times. So I'm sure he is hiding more files somewhere. It's up to him to want to get rid of everything.

I hear what you are saying about the addict having a split personality. When my husband says he loves me and wants me to be happy, I don't understand how he can say that and be so attached to porn at the same time. Maybe its the sincere side of him talking, but I only feel contempt when he says it.

I am really happy to hear that your family notices this change in you, and that you were willing to make the change to be a better person for them. That is great! Your story gives me some optimism.

I have one foot out the door. I'm trying to find reasons to stay. My husband doesn't think porn is a bad thing. He thinks porn addiction is bad, but now that he "is no longer an addict" he doesn't understand why the porn can't "just sit there." "It's just sitting there!" he said, this morning. He is trying to do the right things. He is seeing a therapist, which is very good. Even he is surprised at how helpful therapy has been. But yes, the porn was sitting there, he couldn't bring himself to throw it out, he had to "curate" his collection and save his "favorites." That is why I find him pathetic.

 

Thank you, @WantsToBelieve. I needed to hear that. His "need" to keep it around was becoming a huge issue. I am not proud of what I did. But now its gone and we deal with that. Honestly, I'm ok with that outcome.
I don't think he yet realizes that the alternative was he could keep it and have a great, long, happy and nonconfrontational relationship with his right hand.

 

Thank you, @AnonymousAnnaXOXO
My SO thinks that ethical issues around porn are "relative." He thinks that because amateurs make and upload selfmade clips, that these are not exploitative, but just people enjoying themselves. I can say that every click make someone a profit (in the case of amateurs, they're unpaid performers making profit for someone else by uploading), but he will say he never paid for anything...the whole conversation is just stupid. He makes dumb excuses that make him look infantile ("I just happened to be looking for X and I came across...") and he makes me out to be a prude. The irony is he has many more hangups around sex and is much more conservative than I am. I suppose he believe the lies that porn tells you (you're naughty and fun and exploring, your wife is boring and vanilla).
What you are saying about the way addiction works gives me a lot to think about. I know that SO needs to be constantly entertained (he's always listening to music, got a dvd playing a film on, got his coin collection out) and this is a symptom of what got him addicted to porn. This battle has been going on for so long. In some ways though, it feels like it is just beginning.