I may have just ruined my marriage

I'm sorry. Here if you need to "talk".

 

You have not ruined anything. You did the right thing and have done nothing wrong. He is emotionally abusing you and gaslighting you, trying to convince you that you have done something to offend him. He is trying desperately to hold on to his addiction and finding anyway to blame you and have you believe that you bear responsibility is part of that. You do not own any of his addiction. This is all on him. Honey, every time you post, my heart breaks for you. NONE OF THIS IS YOUR FAULT. There is not one tiny little part of this that should be on your shoulders. He is in your head, telling you lies, to keep his addiction going. You keep coming here and let us tell you the truth. Let us knock his lies out of your head and support you. Let us help you be strong. That is what we are here for in this community. You are not alone. We are here to help you.

 

It's not a relapse if he never stopped. Unfortunately, I don't think he intends to ever stop. If he did, he would dump it all, stop manipulating you, and seek help.

What else can we do to support you?

 

Oh my this is exactly what is happening to me. Emotional abuse and gas-lighting, I called him out for staring to a girl like a dog in the store, he did not even hear me talking, blank stared the girl for a terribly long time, and what he did, got so mad at me telling me how horrible person I am for making him feel bad for doing something he says he cannot control. Then he left, and when he came back wouldn't talk to me unless I said sorry. I felt stupid for a while there, he got me thinking that I was really horrible person putting himself as a victim and telling me "why can't you just be happy that I love you?" But then, now when I think of it rationally, I did not do anything wrong, just tried to tell him how uncomfortable it feels when your man stares like a fuck..n dog at a girl that stand beside you in a store, how horrible it feels to be ignored by him while he gives undivided attention to another woman that does not even know, how humiliating it is. And yet, he got mad at me, for expressing my discomfort, instead of recognizing his fault and trying to make me feel better.

 

I agree she has no reason to worry she did something wrong, but i think the point that you bring up about him not being able to destroy it is a valid one, at least in terms of his own recovery. Have you ever watched the show hoarders? It’s a guilty pleasure of mine, but one thing i noticed the mental health professionals doing is making sure that the hoarder is the one to decide what gets thrown away and what does not, and is actively involved in throwing the items away. The theory is that if they do not, they will just get more things to replace the old ones, that they had no control over losing. If you watch the follow ups the people that do this, make the decisions themselves. The relatives are so frustrated. They don’t understand why the person is holding onto these items, they have been trying for years to get them to throw them away, and they are taking their own time to help, and the person won’t do it. Often what they understandably do is just starts throwing the stuff away.

As an ex so let me tell you that i would have done the same thing this writer did if i found a stash. I felt like i had no control over anything in his recovery and i as so angry, this would have made me feel like i had control and you know what if he got mad and left me, good for him oh well. In the end i actually left him, not because i found any stash, but because it became clear to me that he was not ready or did not want to recover. I was pushing him along, and i was doing all the work. He was going through the motions, but not really wanting to recover and it got really old. I am not saying this writer’s partner is not willing to recover, i do not know that. The only advice i have is that a partner cannot push an addict that’s not ready. Or maybe worded better, a partner can push an addict that’s ready, but it’s unlikely to actually work. The fact that he had these things laying around and did not dispose of them, and the way he reacted when you did throw them out is certainly something that you need to consider. Maybe he is truly not ready, and if he is not, how long will you wait? Last point. My best friend’s husband was a fairly heavy smoker when they met. He stopped,but for at least a year after he did, he had a pack in his backpack. I suppose his just in case i need it pack. To him it was not a temptation he’s been smoke free for 10 years, but he was just not ready to let go of it yet. But if the PMO addict is keeping a Stash for this reason,he needs to tell his so that. Again honesty is what is needed to recover.

 

Oh My God, yes, constant need for validation. I know exactly what you mean. I feel the same when he asks how much, I just remain silent. I really have no answer, because I am questioning everything, and I mean everything he ever said to me. I always had this feeling that something was not right, but muffled it with my own desire for it to be what I wanted it to be. Now it is time to separate the water from oil and see what happens.

 

He doesn't realize that slipping up MEANS he is going back to addiction? Relapsing means you give in to the addiction.
He needs to fight this harder.
And he also needs to realize that he needs to do this with or without your support.
Sure, positive reinforcement is great if you can offer it safely. But he's gone way beyond deserving any of that with how he's treated you.
He needs to understand that, above all else, YOU must be able to feel safe.
You do not feel safe, therefore cannot provide the positive reinforcement he is looking for, while still keeping yourself sane.
He should come here and find an Accountability Partner. One who is not you, who can provide that positivity.
He cannot hold this against you.
He also should not be trying to force you to say you love him.
The way you are feeling right now, his words and actions are not in alignment. So how can you even believe that he loves you?
Love is not secrets or deceit. Love does not lie.
I didn't tell my SO that I loved him for weeks. I took my engagement ring off.
This was something that scared him, I think.

 

You and me both.

 

This, this exact statement was one of my biggest red flags. This statement told me that the “try” and “I’m human” was an out to continue and the rest was was an attempt at appeasement. I don’t think I was off the mark as his actions backed it up by not fallowing through. It wasn’t until I heard the conviction in his tone and seen it in behaviors that said otherwise. “Im done with it, I’m never going back to it, I want it out of my life”.
When a person wants to do something they don’t try they do.
The “try” reminded me of when I was a teenager, my teenager and friends that had no real intentions of not doing what was asked of them.

 

People make time for what they think is important.
They choose their priorities.
What they feel is important to them, always rises to the top.
Everytime.
That's really the bottom line.
That's human.