Please tell me it gets better

I'm so sorry I didn't see this until now. I haven't been on a lot the past week or so.
Are you okay?
I'm sorry that he gets defensive - That's so hard to deal with.
I really wish some of these PA's could understand that being clean isn't enough.
They have to help us repair what has been broken.
But they seem to think that everything will go back to normal when the PA is gone. (which it never truly will be - abstinence does not equal recovery)
Hope you're alright, darling. Feel free to PM me on the conversation we already had going.

 

Awesome. I'm glad to hear it.

 

Have you ever heard of betrayal trauma? Has he?
@TryingHard2Change has some videos called Helping her Heal you might find helpful.
And @AnonymousAnnaXOXO has some by Everett Bailey that are amazing.
I hope you feel better soon!
I'm so sorry you feel so unoptimistic.
I hope you have a better day.

 

Sorry you're struggling. This is a very tough process for sure!! I'm glad you're both doing therapy individually. Have you considered couple's therapy, too? It made a huge difference for us!

Also, I highly recommend you and your husband read "Love You, Not the Porn" and also "Hold Me Tight." They really helped us understand our dynamics and how to improve them.

 

Check out the resources thread in my signature and you will find some great videos and articles to help you through this!

 

That's a decision only you can make, and if you do decide to give it another go around, maybe set a reasonable timeline.

For me, the first year and a half after DDAy my husband was abstinence not working recovery and I was driving myself crazy wondering why he wasn't trying. Once I realized he was abstaining and not recovering, I chose to see what it's like when he works recovery. I also said that by the time our child can have memories things should be settled and in the past because I don't want our son's first memories to be of us fighting, that's not fair to him. I think that has also been a motivator for my husband, knowing how serious I am about leaving if certain requirements are not met (like daily recovery activities- journaling, nofap, etc.)

So maybe set a clear and hard timeline and, of course, with addiction recovery, timelines are different for everyone and both people's needs have to be met, so maybe say in 3 months I expect you to be able to come and talk to me on your own without me begging you to talk about all this.

I hope you can figure out what you want to do, we are all here to support you in whatever decision you make

 

Can't tell you what you should do, you're the only person who can truly answer that. What I can say is that I think there's a glimmer of hope.
I feel your pain. It does seem like the fighting will never end sometimes.
I also have to chase my SO for answers and even the slightest hint of empathy. And it drives me batty.
The fact that your husband is in counseling, actually beginning to open up, says something.

I saw a thread earlier that kind of seemed.... unfair? to the part of me that wants my SO to focus on my pain. (Thread is linked here.)
It was about us as SO's needing to approach this whole addiction issue with grace and be "the bigger people".
As much as I hate doing that, and think it's completely screwed up for us to have to be the first ones to provide the empathy our partners need....
There was a good point to it.
But if you can't do that, if it makes you feel like there is unequal footing in the relationship, you're completely justified and I understand.
And @AnonymousAnnaXOXO speaks the truth about a timeline. It can be really eye-opening for them.