Hello

Geogadd · Feb 1, 2018

My addiction to porn is coupled with addiction to sex and seeing life through a filter of sex. I ended up cheating on my partner over the Web with someone I knew in another country. Things were going very well for awhile, maintaining rigorous honesty and transparency, we started actually making real intimate love on a regular basis, I'm porn and masturbation free and my thoughts are even starting to normalize from pornstars and scenes I liked to fantasies about my girlfriend or memories of actual sex I've had.

Here lies my dilemma. Is it OK for memories to come to you? I at first felt it a huge mark of progress but now after telling my girlfriend we are back to square one. She believes I intentionally recalled these memories and probably still have feelings for this girl (which I In no way shape or form do). I tried to explain memories are really involuntary and not only that but my memories, my experiences, my life are all mine and it's not wrong, or at least it doesn't feel wrong for those experiences to pop up in your mind from time to time. Not that it happens even that often or for a long time.

Is this normal? Is this OK? Is it wrong that we started having sex so soon? It felt right to me, the intimacy was the main thing my addiction stained for us so it seems reasonable that if all parties feel it's right and what we need than it is. I'm the new guy though so would love any advice experiences or even passing thoughts.

Nice to meet you all, I'm Joe

Septimus · Feb 1, 2018

Geogadd said: ↑

Here lies my dilemma. Is it OK for memories to come to you? I at first felt it a huge mark of progress but now after telling my girlfriend we are back to square one. She believes I intentionally recalled these memories and probably still have feelings for this girl (which I In no way shape or form do). I tried to explain memories are really involuntary and not only that but my memories, my experiences, my life are all mine and it's not wrong, or at least it doesn't feel wrong for those experiences to pop up in your mind from time to time. Not that it happens even that often or for a long time.

Is this normal? Is this OK? Is it wrong that we started having sex so soon? It felt right to me, the intimacy was the main thing my addiction stained for us so it seems reasonable that if all parties feel it's right and what we need than it is. I'm the new guy though so would love any advice experiences or even passing thoughts.
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Welcome Joe, I'm glad you're here.

My own view is that memories can be overpowering, but they don't have to be. In my own life, I've had very vivid memories of porn, for example, that have led me back to it. Those memories I am glad to be rid of, and I am. Also, I have found that over time, memories don't necessarily disappear, but they lose their intensity, so that they don't take control.

Beyond that, you raise a question that is both practical and moral, and because it involves moral beliefs, lots of people are tentative in their answers (because people don't want to be preachy or get into an argument). You ask, "Is it wrong that we started having sex so soon?" Well, as you know, a lot of people would say yes -- for both moral or religious reasons, and for practical reasons. And the experience you describe -- of having vivid memories that create problems -- could help you see why people would say that.

This is going to sound terribly old fashioned and moralistic -- sorry about that, and you can just ignore it of course -- but maybe this helps explain why traditionally, people would save sex for marriage? Precisely because of the power of the experiences; so that if you only had such powerful experiences with the same person, then the memory would bring back to...that same person.

Regardless of what you think of that idea, if there's something I can do to help, let me know.

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