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husbands and masturbation

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Deleted Account, Feb 3, 2018.

  1. Hello,

    I have encountered opinions that the vast majority of wives strongly prefer their husbands to never masturbate. I have also encountered opinions that the vast majority of wives understand and accept that their husbands masturbate and don't mind it. This seems to be a topic on which the opinions are strongly polarized, to a point of confusion. What do you think?
     
    kropo82 likes this.
  2. Johns80

    Johns80 Fapstronaut

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    I don’t think a husband should have to M if he has a willing partner in the next room. That’s why many of us are so hurt. We didn’t turn our husbands away, they chose to M to P when WE WANTED them. M to me is a big slap in the face.
     
  3. Exponential Power

    Exponential Power Fapstronaut

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    There isn't any subject that all wives agree on. The only opinion that matters is your wife.
     
  4. StillLori

    StillLori Fapstronaut

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    If he could m in a healthy way then I wouldn't mind. His problem is he can't m without thinking about p and he sneaks off to m rather than being open and honest about it. Even when he tells me he's thinking about me it makes no difference. He's probably lying about that too. Addicts only know how to lie. And lie. And then lie some more.
     
  5. I think that that situation is unambiguous: choosing M when there is a willing partner in the next room is indeed a sign of something seriously wrong going on.
     
    Kenzi, Torn, Penelope and 1 other person like this.
  6. I know for a fact that my wife is against masturbation within marriage, and I am working hard on getting rid of it. What I am wondering is, why are these two generalizations both so present (that most wives are not fine with M, and that they are), when they are so mutually exclusive.
     
  7. As somebody working on quitting P, I know that M is bad for me, that it recreates a big part of the P experience and that it is a slippery slope back towards P. So I think it is easy to agree that in the case of an ex-P-addict M is probably a bad idea. Also in the case where trust has been breached and one is trying to repair it.
     
  8. This is fairly straightforward to me and really not about Masturbation at all.

    The real question being asked here is "What is HE doing without ME?", No person can account for every minute of their SO's time when they are away from each other, this could be going to work, going to the store or even what they are doing when they are out of your sight. The common theme here is still.

    "What is HE doing without ME?"

    Betrayal, Hurt, Pain, Feelings of Not being good enough, etc all flow from the self and it's insecurities about itself, along with the sense of ownership or possession they have of their SA ("He's MY Husband"). Deep down everyone doesn't want to be hurt or betrayed but I think it's important to realize how you view yourself plays a big role into how much NEW INFORMATION about what your SA was up to once you lost sight of his Time.

    Honestly, your husband could have an entirely alternate family complete with a healthy marriage, kids and a family dog each day he walked out of your house for work, and unless you came to realize this as a fact you could be living perfect life completely unaware. (crazy example but bare with me).

    The fact is, it's not a problem until you're aware of it. Do you really need to know what your husband is up to with the time he spends apart from you? It's only an issue because you are aware of it and then its really just a reflection of own sense of self and personal insecurities that make it worse.

    In the end "What is HE doing without ME", is really asking "Does HE need ME?"

    Thus:
    I don't know if HE needs ME, I'm afraid
     
    Deleted Account, Unas and Gooding like this.
  9. Exponential Power

    Exponential Power Fapstronaut

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    I believe M is completely unnecessary since I have a willing partner. I feel a deeper level of intimacy with my wife because of my streak.
     
  10. Johns80

    Johns80 Fapstronaut

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    Exactly this...
    M still provides the dopamine release without connecting to a partner so it’s a really slippery slope. It’s just my opinion (and one not widely held) that anything sexual in nature is intended to do with a partner. If you look at how our brains are wired and the fact that biologically sex was intended to create offspring with a partner you’ll see we are bonding mammals (to quote Dr. Sue Johnson) and weren’t intended to sit alone in a room to MO.
     
    Kris456 and Deleted Account like this.
  11. I tend to think that way too. It is just that I find it really hard, so far, to reach that level of purity, and often I find myself wondering if I will ever be able to do it in a lasting manner. Are there books / articles by Dr. Sue Johnson that are relevant to this topic and that you would recommend?
     
  12. Johns80

    Johns80 Fapstronaut

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    She has s book called Hold Me Tight and I highly recommend her podcast Nerd Out on Bonding.
     
  13. StillLori

    StillLori Fapstronaut

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    My SOs therapist encourages healthy m. She says it's a normal part of life. I really don't agree with her so my other half is sticking by my boundaries (in theory atleast -hasn't bloody stopped him from doing it anyway) but his therapists differing opinion isn't entirely helpful I don't feel.
     
    EyesWideOpen and Deleted Account like this.
  14. Thank you!
     
  15. I believe this kind of situation with the therapist is a problem many SOs share.

    And I think that it is good that he is trying to respect your boundaries, even if so far with failures.
     
    StillLori likes this.
  16. StillLori

    StillLori Fapstronaut

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    It is a good thing I know. He's a good man who would do anything I ever asked of him. I feel so lucky I don't have to deal with denial over the addiction at least.

    Doesn't change the fact he's a lying selfish arsehole at times.

    Sorry I'm Scottish, swearing is like grammar for us.
     
  17. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    I tend to disagree . Ask any SO , even before DDAY , there were small shifts at first . Then you FEEL it in your gut . That something is off about him , then something feels off about the relationship. I don’t know if it’s because we’ve been together for 22 years . But btwn DDAY 1 and DDAY 2 I knew something had changed in him ( a decade in btwn ) he did indeed become a different kind of man . One that would never ogle became the creep . Brain fog , not present . Still a good father and family man on the surface but I KNEW something just not what . So when DDAY 2 happened it made sense and I all of a sudden didn’t feel crazy
     
  18. going4gold

    going4gold Fapstronaut

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    After I completed a more than 90 day hard reboot. I went with a no porn commitment for the rest of my life. I never want to return to the shame filled wanker I was before NoFap. For my wife and I vaginal intercourse has not been an option for a number of years. Since my reboot our romance has definitely re-emerged. So sexual relations for us is all about a lot of touching, caressing, kissing, and pleasing one and other. Sometimes I am able to bring her to a climax orally; however, she has not had the skills/ability to do the same for me; so, my orgasms are achieved by me masturbating while embracing and/or kissing her. It is not optimal but it works for us. Two rules are that I never masturbate alone and that my orgasm is not the ultimate goal. It has to be about pleasing each other and sometimes that may mean I do not orgasm. So far porn has not entered my mind. If it does than I would stop. I HATE porn. I love my wife.
     
  19. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    Everyone has their own option, as a wife. I am not married, but female. I think if the man’s MO is taking away from a couple’s sex life he needs to stop. Some men an MO in a way that is healthy and does not effect their sex wives, some cannot. Up until I met my ex addict, I had zero issue with my partners moing, and we spoke openly about it, but they also chose me over mo and never turned me down, never had performance issues in bed. If you are apart for long periods of time, or one partner is ill or there are severely mistmatched drives I think it can be healthy. But every wife has her own opinion. I think what many men do is marry women they know do not like them Moing at all, and do it anyways and hide it from her assuming all women hate it and so he is okay to do it and lie. That is A not true and B not okay.
     
    Deleted Account, Jennica and kropo82 like this.
  20. RecoveringLion

    RecoveringLion Fapstronaut

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    Every couple will have their balance, what matters is that there is agreement and consistency. In my marriage I don’t master bate ever unless there are extenuating circumstances such as being away for work. I always give my wife first, second and third option at providing sexual intimacy and relief. Sex is meant to be more than physical sensation and orgasm, masterbation reinforces the wrong ideas and over simplifies something that is meant to be much more.
     

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