She is Going to Find Out Whether You Tell Her Or Not

Riiiiiiiggggghhhhttt....
I'd "love this" if it was a option BTW

 

Exactly.
We know everything. Even if we don't say anything. You better believe we're crying about it alone. It's always better to be honest.

 

Amen, seriously them addicts can be... well, either selfish or stupid, or both. I think it's the self preservation. But really, if the addict cares and loves their spouse or partner, just be a god damn good person in the end and tell them, don't traumatize them by lying and gaslighting. Stop the abuse and own up to your shit and be an adult. We always find out, and yes, we do better research and investigations than the CIA, so it's only a matter of time before we find out, so just own up and save us all the effort and trauma. (Sorry this is the one thing that really gets under my skin)

 

As a PA, I can only say this is too true. Honestly I was so disconnected from myself and my feelings, so much denial and compartmentalizations that I was completely out of touch with myself my emotions and feelings. There was one person who always knew exactly how I felt. Who knew if something was wrong. Who took the time to recognize when I was feeling certain ways or how I would act out when I was bothered. It was my wife! She thought she was just crazy for years, but once the lies, the self preservation, the gaslighting (how could she know) ended, and the truth came out: everything made sense to her. We could begin to share the same reality, we could begin to heal, we could have an honest loving and committed relationship. I could really rely on her for once in my live, and not hold myself back and love her fully whole heartedly, and cherish her as the gift she is.
Man up, and wake up! Change your routine; change your life! That starts with no more lies.

 

Thank you all for sharing this. It's something I'm wrestling with at the moment as I begin handling this problem and looking forward. Do you have any advice on raising this conversation?

 

ABSOLUTELY. I’ll say this , I could have , would have , taken it better had he told me truths . Not let me feel crazy , suspicious with no proof . And if DDAY was him disclosing and not me discovering I think even now over a year later OUR healing would have been softer . TELL HER EVERYTHING. Ugh

 

I think first , put your plan of recovery in motion ON YOUR OWN . Then while you tell her you can say something like I’ve put these plans in motion . Definitely start with making appointments for couples counseling and one on one .

 

Thanks for posting this, GG. Been wanting to post a PSA thread about honesty lately myself.

 

I would be careful with couples counseling. Some women don't want to go right away or at all. I wouldn't make any plans for her. Make recovery plans for you, and have resources for her so she can make the decision.

 

I second what @GG2002 said with a letter. I know that confessing something like this or confessing any secret or addiction will be emotionally difficult for the addict, and so to make sure all your thoughts are collected and you know what you want to convey, having a letter there can be very helpful. I mean, what happens if you start crying and can't finish telling her? Well the letter is right there. What if you start telling her and space out on details of importance, well the letter is right there. It's a great way to make sure the talk covers all points of importance and nothing is forgotten.

I cannot tell you how awful it is as an SO to go through multiple discoveries or disclosures, the "trickle truth" is one of the most traumatizing ways someone can do that, so yes, I would say sit down for a long talk so you can disclose, and she can respond, and make sure to have sufficient time to talk about this.

With couples therapy, I say that's a great idea, but discuss it with her first, you can say that you really do want to make things work and take your own recovery seriously and think couples would be helpful.

I wish you luck in your recovery and disclosure!

 

Didn't I have a Letter thread, for help with disclosure?

Edit. - found it

 

Meaning if he atleast showed a list of options

 

I know for my SO , his brain hadn’t cleared of the excuses and lies he was telling himself until maybe the 3rd CC session ( 3 month after DDAY) , he had his aha moment and could actually begin recovery work , besides the no PMO . A year later he still can’t wrap his brain of how he could lie to my face for 8 years , and neither can I . Which is worrisome, if he doesn’t know how , how can we both know it will happen again , did I answer anything lol ?

 

The explanation my husband gives is that he was lying to himself. Just convincing himself why it was OK because he wanted it. Like I would tell him I wasn't in the mood right then (because he would just start groping me awkwardly out of nowhere, stuff like that that he doesn't do now, it was a turn off) and he would take that as oh she says to go M, so I'll just use P since she doesn't care about having sex with me. It was always everything to the extreme, taken very personal, and it was kind of like the game of telephone, it just grew and changed in his brain. He didn't realize he was lying to himself because he was convinced that was true. Now he looks at it and can't believe the shit he told himself. And me.

 

In my case, hiding my secret online porn habit was because I was lying to myself ... That lie: that it wasn't hurting my marriage. (even though I knew it was wrong)

..

And notice even my choice of words! Thinking about "back then" -- I characterize it as an "online porn habit" ... now, I would more clearly/thruthfully say "online porn addiction".

 

It strikes me that there are loads of SOs who will never find out. Who either think that their relationship experience is 'normal', or who simply assume the problem is elsewhere.

I see the message here - "you may as well tell them and fix yourself rather than waiting for her to find out". But in a way there's an implicit pessimism there. Is being caught really the only reason to confess?

If you are spending your time masturbating to porn, your relationship is suffering. That can be a symptom or a cause or both. So it seems self-evident that you will be happier of you quit
Fewer secrets, better sex, a closer relationship, not supporting a horrible industry. Are just a few benefits off the top of my head. Are those not the reasons to confess and quit?

 

Hi All!
The day after DDay my ex argued that he told me and was honest about his porn habit in very early days of our relationship and he was sure I was okay with it.
I didn't know what is he talking about as I couldn’t recollect any conversation about his habit. (I use" habit" because he insisted despite ED, DE, Death Grip and using porn for numbing his anxiety, existential pain and insomnia that he is not addicted. We broked in the end of May but I'm still not sure he is /was addicted or not. But I don't want to go deeper about it right now. )
So definitely he never asked me what I think about him using porn .
Since we started our relationship I tried help him with insomnia. I supplied him with herbs and other natural product from my local health shop.
He used this stuff for about 3 months and then gave up saying :Nah, waste of money. It doesn't work for me. Only one thing works is a little bit of alcohol and sex.
I took it like some kind of joke and automatically thought that he is saying about us having a great time together. Jaysus ! How naive and stupid I was? !
I was so in love with him and he made me believe I'm the only one.
I blamed his poor performance on stress, anxiety and lack of sleep. I'm in my 40's .I had a few partners. I can say I'm experienced but it never happened in my previous relationships even in my 10 years long unhappy marriage!
I agree with GG. We feel that is something wrong but we don't know what until the DDay.
So the story of me trying to help with his insomnia (sharing my antiaxiety meds with him etc. )repeated a few more times. Every each time he was comeback to me with his :Nah, doesn't work, waste of money. Only one thing is working for me is little bit of alcohol and sex.
He was claiming that he told me and he was 100 % sure that I'm okay with his porn habit.
I'm sure he manipulated me.
What do you think guys?