Anger when rejected by wife

Just a guess here, everyone is different, but a lot of times women need that emotional connection and safety to feel the desire to have sex. PAs a lot of times have big trouble with emotional intimacy. That starts a vicious circle. I would work on that part of it, connecting and having emotional intimacy with your wife, and see what happens.

 

I can only speak for myself as an SO . I knew something was off with him . Couldn’t put my finger on it . He became more gropey in the year before DDAY . My skin would literally crawl when he touched me . Because it never felt like he was interested in ME , just to grope . Does your SO know about your PA and are trying to change ?

 

So true . Intimacy was gravely lacking outside bedroom , which lead to me not wanting to be vulnerable. Now that he’s clean a year and we are newly working at real recovery , it’s made a BIG difference in all areas

 

The reason she has to not have sex with you is that she does not want sex with you. She doesn't want you as a man. I guess you know how women feel when their PA men don't want sex with them.

What you need to do assuming you want to stay with her is to change yourself so she desires you and wants you inside her.

I think the first step is to assert control over yourself by beating porn. Show her that you have a plan to be a better man and are committed to her. Stop pleading or whining for sex and stop complaining. Talk to her, be honest with her and try to rebond with her just by enjoying her company.

If you become the better man she needs you to be, I think before long she'll be interested in touching you and sex with you.

 

I'm struggling with this myself, I started a 14 day challenge Saturday and had a relapse last night after being rejected 5 days in a row. I've been doing my best to come on to her, make her feel loved. Last night I took her to her favorite restaurant for V-Day, got dressed up, made it all about her and still, she always has some excuse. I was so horny last night I couldn't sleep until I relieved myself, now I'm starting over. It is very difficult to get over PMO when don't have an sex outlet, this is one of the reasons I got sucked in to PMO in the first place.

 

It's not an excuse. It's how she feels. She doesn't fancy you right now. It's your responsibility to change yourself, so that when she looks at you she wants you inside her.

 

The reason this is happening is you are treating your wife as sexual release for yourself rather than actual intimacy. This is all focused on your need to have an O. All you have done is shift your pmo addiction to her. As someone who was with an ex that did just this nope I did not want sex with him either cause it was horrible! It was all about him. You have to change your mindset.

 

Right and after years of being lied too and horrible sex why would she? Partners are not tools for sexual release they are people. I don’t think pmo addicts realize how horrible they are in bed!

 

Not until they are clean anyways and the wife feels safe enough to to tell them ! We had THAT talk last month !!
Intermittent soft D , DE , PIED , ROBOT going through the motions sex . No thank you !! He had no idea those were even a problem because it was all about him !!

 

Thanks for all the different perspectives. It's a process and I'm really trying.

 

That’s the first step to any addiction. Stop lying to yourself . Give it a name . In counseling our therapist said to him “ we both know what you are and I’d like to hear you say it out loud “ My SO literally for the first time not while still hiding and Lying , actually took it a step further “ I am a porn addict , it’s not a habit not a vice , I know I can’t just have one , I’m an extreme porn addict and I will work hard to NEVER go back to the man I was to my wife “ to me that was the first time I sensed he GOT IT !!

 

You do realize that pmo addicts are notoriously horrible in bed? They don’t know it they think they are the bomb.com but they mimic what they see in porn, treat women like objects designed solely for their pleasure and share zero intimacy. And that’s the ones that don’t have performance issues in bed! Add to that being lied to over and over again, being treated like crap, and feeling insecure because your partner is looking at women in P all day, how can you in any sense of reality expect her to want to have sex with you? And the fact that you are getting angry when she turns you down? Oh heck no! Let me be blunt here your behavior is very selfish and very much in the mindset of an addict. Stopping pmo is One thing, actually often the easier thing. The harder thing is changing the mindset that goes along with it. Your words show me that you are not there yet. And you are trying to blame shift your relapse to her turning you down for sex. Put yourself in her shoes do you find you attractive? Do you care if she’s actually interested in sex with you or enjoys it or do you just care about your release? Because to me it sounds like the later.

 

I think you and your wife need to talk .. about it. It sounds like you have hopes/dreams/expectations. You said you started a 14 day challenge on Saturday and have been turned down for 5 straight days.

It seems to me that Your own expectations are the core problem...they don't jive at all with your wife. Have you talked to her about it? (and "talk" doesn't mean trying to get her in the mood)

..

What if you or she suggested doing 30 days no PMO ... what about 90 days?

Or split the difference -- do 45 days and you and her plan on discussing it on day 44 / 45 how you both are feeling.

 

Ugh. This is an example of a thread I wish I hadn't read. Some people seem to be jumping to conclusions despite the very limited information shared.

To answer this question:

One positive is that your circumstances are making it easier for you to experience hard mode (i.e. No P, M or O) while in a relationship. If you commit to this you could learn what life is like without O's, and ultimately how O's affect you.

 

I understand how you feel, but what you need to do is resign yourself that you're not going to have sex. Get it off the table in your mind. I've found that when you're hoping for sex, it simply causes you to get more horny, and it causes a vicious cycle. I totally understand the frustration of going through a whole process of wooing her on Valentine's Day, but if you're doing those things just to coax her into the bedroom, I guarantee she saw through it. You can't think of your SO as an object to use for your own release… My therapist used an interesting term to describe it- 'masturbating with her vagina'. Just focus on connecting emotionally with your SO- the rest will hopefully fall into place. I don't know the ins-and-outs of your situation of your history with your SO, but I would suggest listening to what the other SO's on here have to say. While everyone's situation is unique, the pain and hurt that your SO is going through is shared by the SO's on these forums.

 

I used to be very angry when my wife would refuse me sex. My wife would say she didn't enjoy sex. This went on for years. With in the last couple of years she has stated that when I would touch her it felt like I was molesting her instead of being intimate with her. It was not a gentle loving touch but a groping motion that was meant for my needs and not hers. Eventually she told me she hated sex with me and it felt like I was masturbating on top of her. I am now past 30 days in my reboot and find that I do not hold any anger with her. I know now that the anger stemmed from my urges and perhaps my guilt as well. The reason my wife knows about my PMO addiction is because she caught me several times not because I was honest with her. I believe had I been honest with her as well as myself in the beginning then this transition would have been much easier for her. If the last 30 days have taught me any thing its that patience understanding and honesty are key to repairing the damage done. Remember, we as addicts are the ones that screwed up. But our SOs are the ones that have to decide to leave and start over or try to forgive.

 

VERY well put!

 

Totally this.
I’ve been M free for over 1100 days, P free for 1 1/2 years, p-sub free for almost 6 months, and I am just now finally getting some change to my mindset.
It is the most important part.
Having to take a break from even sexual compliments with my wife to help her appreciate that i like her and not her hole. (As she puts it)

 

Nailed it GG. I wish I realised this years ago.