Need to Untie My Tongue

So here I am in my early 30s, desperately trying to get caught up on all the social development that didn’t happen in my youth. I was shy all that time, and nobody really took me under their wing; not my dad, not my older brothers...nobody. Everybody just thought “he’s quiet” and left it at that. I know it’s possible for a shy guy to become outgoing, because I saw my friend transformed by a youth program his mom put him in for a year, and I’ve met several outgoing people who have told me that they’re either shy by nature or used to be shy.

For all this time that I’ve been shy, I’ve somehow coasted by being largely passive. I’ll talk to people if they engage me first, but I hardly ever start conversations, which I think needs to change. I’m also not particularly good at keeping conversations going. My problem is that I try to think of something to say but draw a blank. That exact thing happened the morning after my one ex slept with me. I was sitting by her on my porch, just enjoying her presence as she had a cigarette. She kept asking me what was on my mind because she thought I looked like I had something on my mind, but I kept telling her my mind was a blank, other than just enjoying being with her.

I feel invisible and powerless, and I feel like it has to stop if I’m ever going to meet another lady. It was a fluke that I wound up with my ex at all, because she approached me. That almost never happens, and the odds of it happening again are slim to none.

 

Boy, I wish I could’ve talked to you before that night. Better yet, I wish I could’ve met you way back when I was a kid. This is good quality advice, and I really appreciate it. Thank you.

 

Congratulations on your weight loss and thank you for your support. I’ve been doing strength training lately, partly to improve my posture, but mainly to look better for the ladies. Also trying to eat better, which is harder for me to do. I’ve heard that exercise helps improve your mood, and I feel like that’s pretty much true in my experience. Renovating the inside too by taking in as much information as I can about socializing and getting out of my comfort zone. Trying to laugh and smile more to loosen up. I feel like I’m doing a lot of juggling, but the madness of it kind of makes me feel alive because I feel more engaged.

 

I haven’t done a lot of in-depth thinking about who I am, but I don’t believe that one’s identity is static. There may be a handful of things that never really change about someone, but the people they meet and the experiences they have continually shape who they are. I don’t feel like I’d be losing myself by becoming more social, just redifining who I am. These forums are filled with people seeking to redefine who they are, by abstaining from porn, or masturbation, or orgasm, or any combination thereof.

Being quiet hasn’t really gotten me far socially. I’ve got one friend from high school still living near me, and our friendship seems to be hanging by a thread. I’ve got a couple of friends at work, but we don’t do much outside of work. I work alongside my one and only ex, who was with me far too briefly and didn’t come along until I reached the age of 32, and now she bounces back and forth between being warm and frosty towards me. Basically my love life in non-existent and my social life is damn near non-existent. Silence just isn’t sustainable for me.

 

Trying to practice starting conversations and using open-ended questions. My socializing is improving, but I still kind of hit that wall where I run out of things to say. I’m listening for topics, but sometimes I just blank.