Let this relapse be like my last meal before death sentence

Let's do it bro

 

Every unsuccessful reboot can be traced back to a faulty mindset. It's not that you don't have enough willpower or that your body is stronger than you, it never was.
When I'm reading your post I really empathize because I felt the same way just recently. I've been trying to quit for a year and relapsed a dozen times. But looking back I did so many things wrong which I changed this time:

-I didn't use to see my excessive need for lust as the problem, I thought it's just about porn. I know now porn is just a symptom. The real issue is my mindset towards lust.

-I didn't connect masturbation and porn, thinking just jerking off without porn is fine. Since it's about mindset, I know now masturbation is part of the problem.

-I was so angry and too proud to have even navigated myself into this life situation, that I wanted to deal with this issue with nothing but my willpower. No NoFap, no blocking software. I know now that's like going to war armed with a toothpick.

-Speaking of war, I used to think my lust is my enemy while rebooting. I know now it is not. I broke my lust over the years by repeatedly making the wrong choice and turned it into a monster. It's my fault, it's like I abused a family member and it's my responsibility to heal it and not get angry/frustrated with it.

-You spoke about making a vow and breaking it again and again. I did the same mistake many times. The reason it doesn't work is because the target of your vow is unclear. There is a part within you that always shows you the path towards success. That part is what suggested you to come to NoFap. You have to recognize it, for all intends and purposes, as a separate entity within you. That's who you vow to, that's who you have to trust. You don't vow to your body, or to your lust and you don't vow to "yourself" because the self is too complex to target like that.
Personally I use meditation to really connect with that good part within me. Others see it as God himself and pray to it. It doesn't matter as what you conceive it exactly, what matters is that you differentiate it from the other parts of yourself, so you know who you vow to and who you betray when you break your promise.

If this sounds a bit like schizophrenic talk, let me assure you it's not. ^^ Our ancestors have recognized the different parts of the self and they called them gods (god of love, god of anger, god of wisdom etc.). Neurobiologists have understood that the brain works as a cluster of different parts operating largely independently as well.

I highly recommend to read this thread:https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/6-years-clean-rebooting-as-the-best-remedy.135983/
It's about a chinese fellow who wrote a whole book on rebooting and this NoFap member HMHU translated a lot into english. There's a lot of repetition and there's a lot of emphasis on traditional chinese medicine, but he really tackles the root of the problem, the mind. Most helpful thread I've found on this forum yet.

Stay strong bro!

 

I'd really encourage you to not look at this like a death sentence.

When making any change, you've got to reinforce the positive ways that this change is not going to benefit you. For example, if you're giving up pizza, you wouldn't want to think of an entire miserable life ahead of you without it. It's generally more beneficial to think about having a slice here or there in the future, focusing mostly on how good your body is going to feel when you're not eating an entire large pizza every day.

I'm concerned about the self-abuse. You may want to see some sort of therapist to deal with that.

Otherwise, here's what I think you should focus on right now:

1. Deciding (no "maybe" or "one day") to do this.
2. Writing down your reasons for doing this.
3. Repeating those reasons. Consistently. Every time you might relapse or whenever you need motivation.
4. Make a list of things you can do instead of fapping. Block yourself from sites you might use for porn. These will help you focus.

Rebooting/removing PMO should be an incredibly positive thing in your life. It's only restricting if you choose to see it that way.

 

Man, I have been where you are, and I have said the same things to myself. "I know it's bad but not bad enough to damage me beyond repair". Yeah, I know that one.
Here is a technique that may help you. Let me quote from another post that I commented on:

"The best way of putting is this: the war is over, because I was mistaken, it wasn't a war. It was me cringing, rather than owning. It also puts things "on the ground" so to speak.I no longer worry about "oh, how long this time" or "when will I fail again". Time is shrunk to the present. This is not subtle, and it is not tricky. It is as real as the next moment. I simply will not allow to feel like it has "grabbed a hold of me". I am sure you know THAT feeling. I will step back, and SEE it. Then I am in position to ask questions, and to make choices.
This is a brain retraining, essentially. The bombardment of internet porn truly messes with the brain chemistry, but due to the now understood plasticity of the brain, we CAN walk a different path. This method provides a small change to make that happen."

Here is where I learned the technique:



Now that you have a technique, let's address the issue of of living a more fulfilling life. Here is another video that helped me "get" the bigger picture.



This IS possible. If you want me to elaborate, just say so.

 

The old phrase “ don’t talk the talk, walk the walk” should be of inspiration.

 

@Determined_to_Succeed -- liked that "self control" video!

Allowing cravings to come and go is like being hungry but still fasting. It may not be a "struggle" that I always feel in NoFap, but it's an interesting concept.

 

So, you’ve identified a few issues you MUST work on in conjunction with your nofap discipline. Good for you! What were they:
1 hope to find a woman
2 belief that a woman will fix all other areas of life
3 belief “I can’t take it”
4 self abuse

This is great self-awareness. Now, move forward with this battle on two fronts rather than one. Stop fapping and address these underlying issues. (How to address these issues is a bigger topic. Perhaps get help of therapist?)

 

You need to spice up your life. First reboot, go cold turkey (no sex/porn/mb) for 90 days, vigorous exercise daily for these three months (5 days per week minimum) then start socializing, go out, travel and start dating. Don't expect gf to solve your problems, you have to solve them by yourself or with help of a therapist.

 

This is what I would do if I am in the OP's situation