Terrified to even post this

Not even sure who will read this or if it will be read at all.

Like most guys I started "PMO"? (I think that's what it's called on here) in my early teens maybe around 13. I've always had a bit of a thing for feet and with the world of porn at my fingertips, I watched some featuring this element. Got a boner, (duh) and messed around with it for a bit, not even jerking off, just played with it like most kids do.
Then something happened. (You obviously know what) and I freaked out because it had never happened before then after rushing to the toilet and realising I just came for the first time, I was stoked.

I mainly watched lesbian porn as I felt as though dicks being in the shot would be kind of a turn off.

PMO then became such a sudden rush that I'd indulge constantly for the next year or so. Within that time I watched regular guy on girl porn. It was an extra dopamine boost as I'd usually stay away from this kinda stuff but I realised that seeing a girl actually being banged was hot. It was roughly every day or every other day. It mellowed out between 14 and 16 but still frequently used porn almost as an escapism.

I won't lie, it's still fairly frequent now even being with my girlfriend for a number of years. Around the age of 17 I stumbled across transgender porn which I found almost funny to begin with. Especially as porn refers to the category as transwoman/transgendered person. I then realised how many of them actually looked like women. I started to think if I'd ever checked out a girl before without knowing that they've got a dick.

Before I knew It, I was getting off on it. I don't even remember a turning point/first time. It just became part of a new stimuli which I don't even remember letting in/discovering. It was like it was injected into me and was completely out of character.

2 more years passed. The rush/novelty of TG porn began to wear off. Although I didn't actively seek anything more, the dreaded "related videos" offered me a new fetish. That being hypnotic sissification. By now I'd already numbed myself to something that used to put me off sexually (penises) so much that TG porn connected unwanted dots between women and dicks where I was not only completely okay with them, I liked them almost as much.

Couple that with the discovery of the prostate gland, not to mention several years developing anxiety and lack of confidence from porn and how my life at the time was going... It becomes a clusterfuck when you watch sissy porn out of curiosity. It plays binaural beats and engages with insecurities developed from porn to feminize you.

In short, it's intricately designed to have you jacking it to the thought of being a girl and doing the ins and outs of what straight women do.

Luckily for me I had already realised when watching these videos that they were changing me and I had been changing this whole time without knowing. So all of the dressing up as a girl, putting yourself in chastity, hooking up with an actual bloke on craigslist etc. (The hard-core shit) were messages that were never implemented into me.

Although, going from 'dicks are gross', to 'dicks are ok', to 'chicks with dicks are actually kinda hot...' then lead to 'fuck it, I used to find them repulsive but now i can weirdly get off on them.'

I don't find men attractive at all. I can appreciate a handsome guy, but I've never been inclined to have sex with another man.

Due to this new fetish though, I obviously questioned my sexuality. I really looked deep down and I know who I truly am, and I know what porn has ultimately lead me to be.

The desensitization of penises lead to numbing and then fetishism. I thought why the hell would I be able to get off over just a dick yet I'm not at all attracted to men? I've basically numbed and eventually hypnotized myself into arousal over them.

Now in my early twenties I've realised how deep I've gone into being numb and finding new (what were once disgusting to me) fetishes. Although I'm not too deep. I'm not chanting mantras, dressing up, and actually fulfilling fantasies of a glory hole or meeting an anonymous masked man. This from my research is what I've found many men eventually falling to. Some do it and repulse themselves, whilst others go ahead and do it over and over again. With constant stimulation of hypnotic videos with subliminal messaging turning them into a zombie.

Most of them on forums admit that porn practically turned them gay over time. It completely altered their brain. I couldn't imagine what that must be like. (Nothing against being gay naturally by the way at all).

My rush of dopamine to the brain wasn't enough a year or so ago. Where myself and my girlfriend went through an awful rough patch. I thought I wanted it to end and felt as though the easiest way to make her just hate me as much as I thought I hated her, and for her to never try to win me back, was to cheat. All the while enjoying this adrenaline surge of being with someone else.

..Which came to a halt as soon as we actually began having penetrative sex.

I went numb down there. Something that happened to me a lot with the girls that I slept with in my mid teens, after losing my virginity. (Probably also caused by the expectations of pornography.) I immediately began to realise what I had done once this adrenaline rush stopped.

It's the worst thing I've ever done in my entire life. I destroyed the woman I love, destroyed trust, destroyed myself. Without meaning to sound selfish I was hurting just as bad as she was when I told her. I had an extremely dark few months. I couldn't live with the guilt and began to seriously contemplate suicide. Only to realise that I was too much of a pathetic coward to end it all anyway.

"There's another self destructive tool sissy hypnosis can use against me", the devil on my shoulder said.

Long story short. I confessed. We were apart for merely days before my girlfriend and I began to see each other in public again. She took me back, and I feel like the luckiest man in the world that we are still going strong to this day. My love and appreciation for her has grown far deeper than it ever was before and I plan to marry her one day. One thing I know for sure is no matter how bad things get, I will never cheat again in my entire life.

Our sex life as in the connection we have is amazing. Couple that with our friendship and we truly believe each other to be soulmates. However, due to my porn addiction, I tend to want sex far more often than she does. So I guess you could count reason number 1 for me signing up to nofap is to reduce my craving of sexual gratification. My sex drive has always been above average and when I can't have sex I become extremely agitated.

Reason number 2 is to completely rewire my brain to it's natural state and to clear all suggestions from porn and sexual hypnosis. It began to completely ruin me as a human being and had me doing things I wouldn't want to dream of.

Reason number 3 is just to feel better. I'm going to sign back up to the gym after quitting several times over the years and hopefully I can focus my energy on the more positive things in life.

I suppose it doesn't matter if nobody reads this. I feel like I've almost just given myself some therapy. Not to mention reflect on the negatives of mass porn consumption. I'm technically 2 days in so let's set a target for 30 days. Hopefully by then the struggle will be weakening and I can keep pushing forward.

...I'm still allowed to have sex with my girlfriend though right? Otherwise I'm quitting tomorrow hahaha

Peace

 

Thanks for your response man, I wasn't even expecting one!

The link you sent was very insightful I appreciate that. I wasn't too sure on the biblical side of things but I do believe demons are internal not external and whether you stand your ground and fight them is up to yourself.

Regardless, you've given a newcomer to this place positive energy and some good insight, thank you for that.

 

Complete noob here. Where can I find your journal?

With all due respect, those hypnosis videos are manmade which is why I struggled to get my head around the biblical part.

Who on earth is creating them though?! Extremist feminists who despise men and want to make them weak?

 

PMO will tend to leave you insecure and unconfident and hopefully we can both achieve this challenge to better ourselves as human beings.

I'm glad that you can learn from my mistake and never make it. Although if you don't mind me asking, what is stopping you from finding a partner with regards to religion?

 

Okay now I'm gonna sound really stupid. Your signature is Roady I assume? And the link you refer to is your profile page? Is a journal just your entire page of postings or is there something separate specifically for journals?

 

I can't actually see a signature at the bottom, nor can I find your journal on your avatar or profile page. Is it because I'm on mobile and not the desktop version?

 

Haha weirdly enough I've actually read your journal without realising but have no idea how I got there!
Thanks though

 

^That's a relief!

Hope you get through whatever it is you need to battle to man, peace.