Welcome to hell

Dear NoFappers

This post is my last resort to try to fight the cravings I'm experiencing at the moment. I'll just pour out my thoughts in hope to decrease the pressure. If you're susceptible to "triggers" maybe don't read this.

I've been six days clean of porn and masturbation. Most days have been pretty easy, no real struggle to speak off. Today is different.
Yesterday I had my first date in two month. I brought her home, we made out, she was on her period, so no sex, she goes home, I go to sleep, all is well. I wake up today with morning wood and pretty strong cravings. I didn't touch myself but it took me an hour to work through them and get up. The rest of the day was fine, until two hours ago.

I'm getting mad cravings again. My mind keeps reminding me how good it would feel to masturbate after six days of break, the longest break in... a year? Two years?
I started fantasizing about a succubus who's seducing me, breaking my will bit by bit, until I give in to her. I'd do anything for her, even kill, if she just promises me an eternity of pleasure. I want to get mindfucked.. I'm hard as can be and it started to become torture. As I'm teasing myself I realize I'm not gonna break my streak, I'm not gonna relapse, I'm not gonna touch myself. And so I'm in agony. Split in two. It's hell.
I know it would be hell as well if I would give in. But at least a pleasurable hell..

I lied on my bed for an hour mentally trying to get as close to that realm of sin as possible. But I didn't undress or touch myself.
Finally I got up and started to work out for almost an hour. During the workout I was fine but as soon as I'm done it hit me again. "Fuck iiit, let's relapse one more time, the streak isn't long yet, it will feel amazing!" I want to.. so bad.

This is hell. I don't know how many more of those waves I can resist before the day is over.

Writing this makes me feel better. Thank god for this forum.

 

Just two days away from breaking your record then! Let's do this shit.

 

Surprisingly, meeting my new girl triggers the hardest cravings for PMO the next day than any other trigger. Last night I met her the second time, we had sex, it was real good but I didn't come. This morning I almost relapsed. Lying in bed I think of her first and then in my aroused state my thoughts wander to more "generalized ass and tits", which is basically porn. Again I imagined how amazing it would feel to relapse. I questioned if NoFap was worth it.

Quick sidenode: My tracker here is for Porn only. Due to health issues I also didn't masturbate for a week when I started here. I jerked off last Friday without porn ofc. However I want to try a month without masturbation. Then maybe three month. Porn I quit for good.

My brain is so needy that as a "substitute" for PMO I even just crave having a hard dick, because at least it reminds me of PMO... I looked up some yoga ass on twitter, because that's the only thing that my software doesn't block (yet). I checked them out for a minute and almost touched myself. Some people will consider this a relapse. I don't. I'm at the very beginning of my recovery and for now it's good enough for me when I don't jerk off to any material.
I reminded myself of how bad I would feel after an amazing orgasm. That the shitty feelings would last all week and the orgasm only half a minute. I remembered how weak and pathetic I felt the last time I relapsed. How would I feel this time after I even joined this forum and got more serious about quitting than ever before? Probably bad enough to make me feel depressed. Those thoughts finally put an end to my morning hornyness.

I'm continually going to use this thread to blow off steam. Just really helps to write things down.

 

Oh man, them boulder chicks! I go bouldering too and the perspective you sometimes get on the ladies when they're high up there is just too much. x) And they're all in leggings nowadays.. I'm giving my best since the last couple weeks to really ignore them as much as possible. I feel that objectification mechanism too and I want to get rid of it badly as I'm sure it hinders one to have a truly meaningful relationship.
But especially while having sex, I found it takes quite a lot of focus to really concentrate on her as a person rather than getting turned on by mentally isolating her body. Long road ahead I guess..

Yes, I see that point with masturbation. That's why I only masturbated last Friday and the next time will be in April. I'd rather stick to goals that I'm likely to achieve than going full on cold turkey from the beginning. That will give me the confidence to do three month break after that.

The hardest thing to get rid of is not masturbation or porn tho, it's really to not let the mind get into that naughty zone every morning/night. Got way way waay too used to that.

 

Damn Haplo but it feels so good and I did it all my life. Almost like porn. I gotta kick that habit too..??
Of course you're right. I'll have to quit that.

 

Thanks for that man, you nailed it.