Trying to gain back my SOs trust

Welcome Acky. Thanks for sharing your story, and you're right, you're far from alone. If you're having trouble quitting, it would be worth it to check out a local SA meeting in your area: https://saa-recovery.org/

I quit P about 4 years ago, but after having a relapse in January, (one which my girlfriend had to point out to me) I realized I couldn't solve this by white-knuckling it alone. I've been going for a few weeks and I thank myself for doing it everytime. They follow a 12-step program similar to AA. You'll find that everyone there has been where you are now. Don't get me wrong, coming to Nofap is still good, but an addict attending a group is an addict in recovery. An addict without a group is not. Good luck, God bless. Hit me up if you have any questions.

 

Welcome. Start a journal..write in it daily. Visit NoFap often...read all the threads and comments in this Rebooting in a Relationship section.

What tools have you installed to block porn? What activities draw you into that the most? What about your timing and schedule of using the internet has changed? What new activities are you going to be starting up to replace the use of porn?

You can't just stop something. You have to replace it with something else or you will likely be drawn back into it.

Good luck. This is not an easy recovery. But you can do it. This NoFap community is extremely helpful in giving support, lists of resources, videos, articles, etc.

Welcome.

 

Talking with other PAs and SOs is very helpful, you can get different perspectives on things, most importantly what SO are going through. For me, the thing that helps the most is talking to my wife. We find the time, after putting kids to bed just talk, about what I read, my feelings, urges and triggers, videos I watched. At first, she didn't want to talk, I was only the one to talk now we can't stop. We talk so much during the day that, sometimes, when the time comes for our nightly talk we have nothing, we still find what to talk about. Talking to her and telling her everything is helping me to keep myself in check and accountable, she is my number one accountable partner.

If you have any questions feel free to privet message me.

 

Me and @AnonymousAnnaXOXO have resources to help in our signatures.
Good luck

 

Hi there, in a similar boat. Still haven't figured out how to regain trust in my relationship. My wife has her good days and bad days. A lot of the time im just not sure what to say to her to help with her feelings. But we are both still very happy that I chose to take this path of recovery. Good luck on your journey!

 

It takes us addicts to hit rock bottom before we change. I've been in a very similar place as you. This community really helps recovery, it has however got to come from you!. Not the need to stay with your SO but to get better, I made this mistake to start with and very nearly lost everything. Learn from my mistakes. I am still early in my journey but I feel I have come a very long way in the last month, feel free to read my journal which I try to update daily if you need reassurance. I wish you and your SO the very best on your journey.

 

It all looks great on the surface....
But here are my honest opinions for you
1) Appears your motivation to recovery from PMO is the fear of losing your family. Also looks like you badly need your SO's approval.
2) Looks like you are skipping the most essential self-discovery, what lead you to PA. I implore you to invest in that

One of the traits of PA could be seeking validation and approval, false connection (brain chemistry wise). You need to break free from that. Read my (1) again in that point of view. What you really need is a tberapist than a SO who is upset, sad, and/or angry to go through your challenge with out FEAR in detail including your failures. typically it is not reasonable to expect am SO to be that neutral....

 

The only way to rebuild trust is by showing the person who’s trust you have broken that you can be trustworthy. That takes a very very long time. Often what we see as SOs is the addict so badly wanting to be forgiven and trusted again quickly because it hurts too much not to be. So first piece of advice it takes seconds to shatter trust and years to rebuild it, and the more times you have broken it the longer it takes. Expectation set for yourself. Second don’t push her. Forgiveness and trust if it happens is going to be on her timeline not yours. Third be honest to a fault about everything in your life. Be on open book. Answer every question she asks. Do not be evasive. Do not be defensive. Do not get angry with her. Fourth tell her everything and tell it now. Don’t keep letting things and info slip out daily. Fifth give her the passwords to any and everything give her access. Sixth be kind to her. Do kind things show her you feel sorry. Seventh quit for you not her. Eighth do not relapse but if you do tell her immediately. Ninth seek counseling. And finally recognize that you may do all of this and she may still leave you and that’s okay. Sometimes SOs cannot forgive its just too late.

 

Um...perfect overview in my opinion. Nailed it!

 

The only thing I will add to @GG2002's post is one aspect of this I struggle with as a PA walking through it -- GG2002 touches on it with regards to it being on the SO's timeline and ultimately the SO might choose to leave even if the PA fully recovers --- the one aspect I struggle with is letting go ..

For years, I was "in control" as the one with the hidden PM'ing. Now, as I am in the middle of my PA recovery .. and hopefully at the beginning stages of the relationship recovery -- I cannot control the latter [relationship recovery]; I cannot let myself over-worry and over-think about the failing/failed relationship. I CAN do my best to work on the relationship--as my SO allows me to--but ultimately, the decision to stay or not is hers. It is my job to make the decision to leave me / divorce me a difficult one to make! But I have to release that outcome, mentally, to my wife.

 

True but a person who could do all this..... Is an ideal person IMHO... Not being a dick... But there are some great points in it.

THIS IS THE FIRST THING I STRONGLY RECOMMEND.

 

Good point about seeking counseling first.

On a similar track..not only seek professional counseling/therapy .. but Tell Someone. Tell a close friend / a pastor / a trusted relative maybe. But tell someone.

I had a DDay in Aug 2016 .. and a couple others over the 19 years of marriage before that -- it wasn't until thd final DDay on June 1, 2017 when we were in Europe that I finally broke down and told someone --- a stranger, a pastor at an English-speaking church I randomly found! But just telling someone else was, I believe, my first real step towards recovery.

..

My wife told me last summer (after June 2017) -- that when she saw that I did NOT reach out to someone after the Aug 2016 DDay...she knew I hadn't and wasn't going to be able to change my PA. (I white-knuckled it for 3 months after Aug 2016)

Anyway..my point is, tell someone. It helps to begin to break the power of the hidden PA when you make yourself vulnerable and tell someone.

 

When I met my counselor I didn't even no I had PA. I went to counselling due to the horrible symptoms. And I was also terribly lonely. I learnt about my PA only street two sessions. I tell my counselor everything.

I was very open in Nofap forums.

I told one another person... It is a bit unusual so I will spare the details.

 

You are definitely not alone.

Reading through the amazing responses you have received I am reading lots that resonates with me but also lots that is a bit different, so I'll try to relate it all to my own experience if that helps.

I believe these two points that @TryingHard2Change makes have been the cornerstones of my current sobriety (though I do not write daily).

I haven't installed any tools, I think I would find them too easy to circumvent. But recognising the contexts that I find difficult (late nights working, stress, business trips, …) has been crucial. I have reduced those dramatically and when they are unavoidable "forewarned is forearmed."

Yes. The experiences of other men here going through the same trial are so valuable to me. But it is not just the men. The women who post here, both the wives and girlfriends and the female porn addicts have taught me so much.

Me too. Sometimes it feels frightening to engage in these conversations, but they have always helped.

I would not do this. I cannot explain why but the way I am held accountable by the people who read my journal here and the way I talk to my wife are very different. I owe them different things. I do not think it is your wife's responsibility to be your accountability partner.

I started a thread about this one (here) because so many of the SO's here think this is important. But for me this has taken a while, and still does not ring completely true. As my sobriety continues I have grown to realise that there are two very important personal reasons for giving up porn:

1. I am no longer a hypocrite. I have always known that porn was wrong and now I am the man I always hoped I could be, the porn free me.
2. The journey and the experience of journaling here has taught me so much about myself. I now feel more intelligent about myself and I love that.

I am tempted to fall into line and say that I am giving up porn for myself and that my wife's demand was the catalyst. But in all honesty her need is still the dominant factor in my abstinence. I would love to believe that if she left me I would remain porn free but I doubt I would be able to find the motivation without her.

So yes, rebooting for yourself is important but do not beat yourself up if finding that motivation takes time. Rebooting for her is OK too. The important thing is to rid your life of porn.

This is harder than it sounds but is so important. No more lies and evasions.

Some wives want to know all the detail of what we enjoyed when we looked at porn and some don't. The experiences of the wives and girlfriends here give us amazing insights but they differ. Listen to your wife, give her what she needs, which may not be what another wife needs.

I want to introduce a word of caution here. I did not start looking for a councillor until I was some way in to my sobriety. Around 450-470 days I had a tough patch, I did not relapse, but I nearly did. That frightened me and I went in search of a therapist. I guess the point I am trying to make is that there is no point in going to a therapist until you really feel a need to. Otherwise it may be an expensive waste of time. If that time is now, great, but if you have to wait for that realisation then don't worry.

This proved very important for me. It is tempting to write the kind of stuff that you read but resist. Write what you genuinely feel. If that means people challenge you in your journal then so much the better. It has happened to me repeatedly. Sometimes the challenge is wrong and sometimes right but they are always valuable for me.


I think the important thing is experimentation. You can read all about what worked and failed for other addicts here and then find what works for you. You are already doing that in the choice you have made between PM and PMO abstinence. Keep going: as your length of abstinence grows what you need to keep it successful will change; be ready to try new things.

Amen to that; it has proved true for my wife and me.

 

If I think again I sometime leave out details to avoid triggers... And some time to avoid deeper stuff which could be misunderstood by readers. For instance when I watch father daughter affection on TV I crush for a girl/dancer I see in a club. Now my SO can understand this because she knows a LOT about me. But on a forum this could be misinterpreted a lot of ways...

 

Hey man. Glad you are here. This forum is a great starting point. A few pointers from my journey:

1. This is a forum of people who are healing and growing together, but we are not qualified therapists, so make sure you find a qualified therapist. If this triggers your ego, or causes you to rationalize why you dont need a counselor or therapist, then thats your indicator that you ABSOLUTELY need professional support.

2. Find an accountability partner.

3. Be extremely patient with your wife. She is going to need to process and say a lot of things that to you will sound totally irrational at times. Their rationality is unimportant. You betrayed her, so now your lot is to deal with the problems you caused with yourself and with her.

4. Not to be overly repetitive, but ensure that a QUALIFIED THERAPIST is the one shaping your opinions and approach to recovery, not people on a forum. We can offer support, ideas, and feedback, but we are the furthest thing from qualified.

5. Work really hard to figure out why you feel a compulsive drive to do things that make you feel weak and cause you to dislike yourself.

You have a hard journey ahead. If you want to come out alive and intact, you are going to need to pick up a sword and face your demons, once and for all. The alternative is to lose everything. So you can face the pain now for a short period of time, or face the long term, hellish pain that self-contempt always brings. Good luck!