24 y/o back to life

Hi everyone.

I decided to join your Community again to get my shit together and become a better man.
Once when i was 19 years old i finished the 30days Challenge but collapse at the same day.



Warning Trigger
Warning Trigger
Warning Trigger
Warning Trigger


To my story:
I started pmo and mo together. When i was 12 or 13 a girl in my class send me a plink and told all dudes are doing this.
Ok.

One or two years later i had daily sessions with up to 5 Tabs in my Browser.
As Teenager i assess girls only objective.
With 16 when i went out to partys i had one girl every weekend (just kissing).

Some people were confused why i dont have a Girlfriend, so they told i am Gay.
This was when my pconsum was very strong with fetish ..
cuz of the triggereffect.
I think it was to much for my age that time. ... sex with animals, hardcore anal, jailbait etc. .. crazy shit.

I hate it if peoples call me gay, they do it my whole life. Even before i knew what it means.
At this time p become boring for me and i decided to look for a Girlfriend
... in a Chatroom.
Yes.
A chatroom.

Strange old mens were texting me.
First it was disgusting and i went back to p.
But one day i was curious and it was appealing.
So i start chatting and p
.. Day for Day.
It was just another kind of trigger but i didnt know.

I started believing i am Gay or bi because the older where other teen discovered their sexaulity.

Its freaked me out.
I loved girls and never wanted to be Gay.
That couldnt be.

I had Problems with myself so i decided to test it. But i didnt trust to.

At this time i met a Girl from Neighbourhood but she was crazy.
I let her go after 3 months when she told me, we cant meet for 2 weeks because a dude from Mallorca holidays lives now in her place.
It was a crazy time.
She was a Bitch, i was horny and we were Friends.
But nothing happens.
Once i was tender but she just laught at me and called me a baby.
An other time i pushed her down sexy and pulled her hair alittle bit but she becomes Angry and kicked me out of her House.
She always texted me. Dont know why i met her everyday for 3 months.
I was young, horny and a virgin....

Then one day after a party where no one wanted to talks to me cuz everybody said iam Gay, i decided to test it the next day.
So i had oral sex with a guy from the chat.
It was so‎ humiliating.
Its not mine.
But ok.
Once is nonce.
I felt dirty but glad for the Experience
I am done with it.

But then everybody of my Friends knew it!
Everybody told everybody.
I didnt know how they knew.

I freaked out completely
I became paranoid and psychotic with a strong depression.
Abort school and Social life.
Didnt left my bed for 1 1/2 years.

Today i am pretty wasted. Still addicted to porn, no willpower, Kind of hocd, no Job because i cant decided what i want to do.
Every morning i fight with depression and cant get up.
Its destroying my life.

But i will work for my success.
Quiting porn is the first step.
I cant remember a time when i didnt mo without p.
It was always p+Mo.

I decided to nofap again because i want to be a better man for my sweet girlfriend and i remember these days with nofap, where i had every day so much Motivation und energy.
I want it back.

[Day 9]


Cheers.