Thoughts on sexy pics?

I'm a PA, and I used to keep pictures of my wife with me when I knew that I was going to be using a computer. In theory it makes sense that I would use those instead, but it always ended up leading me down a worse path. I think the thing is, for me at least, and possibly your husband, is we need to get to a point where we aren't stimulated by pictures, but we are stimulated by the real thing, the real person. Looking at a picture, the only way to "do anything about it" is to M, which in itself (I think) is unhealthy and will just lead to relapse.

If you like to do that type of thing, I'm sure there is something similar you can do when he is there. Or perhaps take pictures but only show them to him when he's actually there with you? That can be a type of foreplay maybe. I'm not sure, but I bet you can find a fun way to be an "exhibitionist" while he's actually there with you.

 

I would have to agree with you there as it does lead to one more thing - particularly as there is always the case of what is the next heightened or worsened step? Really good idea that last bit

I would have to think that sexy pics are a temptation - particularly if as said above it is not with you as you don't control the circumstances or context.

Also what is his main addiction if you don't mind me asking. Mine isn't porn per se - like a Psub - but anything related to an attractive image will also trigger me and my addiction, particularly if it is my addiction or fetish. Anyway hope that helps - I guess I would need to know the context or a bit more detail - Best of Luck!

 

As an ex SO, in my situation they were a problem, and led to relapse. THe issue is to the addict sexy pictures and porn are so linked to their O that they need them in order to do so. While it is you in the picture, you are not there and you want to encourage him to move his O and attraction to a real person. It sucks becuase I know it is something that you enjoy and it means diminishing your own pleasure>. But if he truly has issues, you need to accept that this is likely how your sex life is going to be, meaning not sending sexy pics is not a temporary thing, it’s permanent. We all have our baggage and issues, so maybe this one is okay with you. But if he’s trying to recover you do need to do whatever it takes to make things work with him if he wants to truly recover. If you have needs beyond what he can provide, then you need to assess that and thereis nothing wrong with putting you first. Good luck!

 

My PA used my pictures I sent as a Jumpstart to lead to porn.
I was always the comedian who came out before the band, if you know what I mean.
I insisted he delete them and stopped sending them.
I refuse to be the comedian and not the main event!

 

@CastleBlack you pose an interesting question that I too myself have asked. Here.

What I gather is there isn't a 1-size-fits-all solution, since we are all individually unique. Best advice I have is to be safe.

 

I think this would be my situation. Basically I don’t think it helps to be thinking of things that arouse you when your wife isn’t there, even if you are thinking of her. It’s just a frustration at that point.
And if you M while fantasizing about her, it’s a fantasy, not her. So I couldn’t do that and be recovering really.
Maybe the same for him?

 

I only say it's unhealthy because in my situation when I M it ends up causing a chaser that leads me to go after P eventually. So for me I have to refrain from M due to that. Your situation may be totally different.

I don't think you're obligated to do that at all. Your SO needs to respect your body. Pregnancy and childbirth cause some pretty crazy things to happen with hormones and just physically in general. When my wife had our first baby she would help me sometimes with a HJ. I think part of it needs to be his awareness to your situation and respect for what you're going through. He shouldn't be putting pressure on you just to get what he wants, and you shouldn't feel that you have to do that or else he'll go somewhere else. I have put my wife in that situation many times and it's caused a lot of resentment for her towards me, so I wouldn't want that to happen for you.

BTW this is definitely me giving myself advice as well lol.

 

Just like porn escalates to him posting on CL, M can escalate to P or fantasy. The problem is the addiction, which is the dopamine hit, the escape from reality. I had no problem with M either, but M eventually leads to P for a lot of people. My husband didn't start to change until M was completely cut out as well as P.

 

This is spot on. Very few pmo addicts can separate porn from MO they are too intertwined. They have to fantasize to MO and that fantasy leads to porn. Can some addicts do it without issue? I suppose but not many. You can’t have the same relationship with a pmo addict sexually as you would with a non addict even in full recovery. That’s just part of the relationship that you have to accept. If the So enjoys porn or sexting she’s got to give that up.

 

I can’t see the difference between P and M.
If a SO doesn’t like it when he has an O without her is it different if the P is in fantasy form in his head or on a screen or in a magazine or a hard copy pic? Unless he’s M in front for you as part of your intimacy I can’t see a difference.

Thais is why I dumped it all.
Just my opinion though.

 

That's up to you guys. Some couples the SO gives it up as well, some don't.

 

Here’s where the discrepancy lies in my opinion. In most relationships MO can be normal and healthy. Unless of course it replaces or effects sex with the SO. So if my partner MOs when I’m not available no problem. But if my partner MOs instead of having sex with me on a regular basis and/or his MO causes ED in bed with me that’s an issue. Many men have death grip and are not addicts that’s still a problem for me as it effects our sex life. I will say the same thing about porn. I’ve never had a problem with men using it before until it was being chosen over me and effected his performance with me. So first question does your partners M or P effect your sex life in a negative way? And the second biggest thing to me is how often and why is the Person moing with p or not? To me p or o crosses the line to unhealthy when it’s being done for reasons unrelated to sex. Does the person do it to cope with bad feelings, to relieve anxiety or depression, anger to feel lonely. Basically is the p or o being using like alcohol or drugs or due to an actual physical sexual desire?

 

Totally this was me.

 

GG said:

Then this was your answer...

But later you said this...

This is an example of how it is effecting your sex life in a negative way, IMO. That's a pretty common complaint of SOs to PAs.

 

As you describe it his pmo is effecting your relationship. You want him to desire you more, so you send sexy pics. You think if you had sex with him more he wouid mo less, nope. And your sexy pics will not replace his desire for porn. Not initiating sex again common issue with pmo addicts. And you know what happens to most men who mo to last longer before sex? Eventually they last so long they can’t O at all from sex.