I can do this?

hi guys,

I’ve been thinking of breaking up with my PA partner. It just doesn’t feel like he loves me anymore since he’s so deep in this hole.

He’s been clean for about 2 weeks, and he tries everyday, but I just don’t feel loved anymore. I know he does underneath all this, but I’m so sad all the time.

I find a huge thing that scares me though, is finding someone else, and they are a PA too. That terrifies me. At least my partner I’m with right now is working on this and wants to get over P.

It seems like every guy is a PA. so lost..

 

I’m so terrified of leaving my partner because for 1. I love him dearly, and 2. I’m terrified to even attempt dating anyone else because just listening to how some of my guy friends talk, they are highly addicted to P.

My partner is at least trying to give this up. I almost feel stuck, because I know my partner loves me, and he knows he has an addiction and is working on it, I just am getting the shitty end of the stick here, because he has his P glasses on, they’re slowly coming off, but not fast enough. I know my partner will get over this eventually, but like, right now it’s so hard on me.

I’ve been with my partner for 6 years, it’s a lot to throw away. And dating scares the hell out of me, every guy is addicted. Can’t go through all this again.

 

Thank you I’m so depressed and I feel like a shell of myself. It’s so hard letting someone you love go... and it’s even harder to think about dating another P addict

 

Update:

He looked at P today... while I was downstairs crying from us fighting. Two week streak is over and I don’t know if I can do this anymore...

 

He’s not on this site, but he has the app brainbuddy which is a nofap app. He uses it everyday.

 

honestly guys, I don’t know if I can call what he has an addiction. He only watches P when he’s really stressed out. But the thing is, when he does look at it, he hinges on it, like 2 or 3 times. He has looked up lots of YouTube videos about it, he’s gone on this site, Reddit, he has the app.

He only ever looks at P when he’s stressed though. So I’d say once a week. Longer when he is doing nofap.

But the problem is, when he looks at it, he’s a whole different person. He’s not my guy anymore. He doesn’t find me as attractive, doesn’t know if he loves me anymore, he says he feels out of it, “brain fog”, his adrenal glands pump like crazy, he can’t digest food properly, just a bunch of symptoms.

We went a whole month before without P or M or sex, and he started to get better. All these symptoms were going away. And ever since he relapsed after the month, he’s been more stressed out, so relapsing more and it’s like a cycle we can’t break. I don’t know how to help him anymore, and I think he feels trapped in this cycle.

 

Well yesterday was awful...

I’m pretty sure I miscarried yesterday. Was having pregnancy symptoms like crazy and was over a week late. Then all of a sudden, they stop and I start bleeding. Exactly like my miscarriage a year ago. Wasn’t planned, but I wanted it.

He didn’t. He says he’s not ready to be a dad. I understand that. He can’t focus on anything else then getting over this right now. It consumes his whole life. He says he doesn’t feel good, he can’t think properly, his body is always stressed out, can’t digest food, has brain fog.

He has all these horrible symptoms, yet, when things get hard, he looks at P, adding to these symptoms.

After he looked at P, he was acting like a child. Words couldn’t come out of his mouth. He couldn’t talk to me properly. It only made me more upset because I wanted to figure out why he looked at P while I was downstairs when he could have had S with me.

He could have talked to me about his urges. He could have done all the things we talked about, but for some reason he didn’t. And I want to know why. I want to know if I’m wasting my time.

My sister texted me during the fighting, and insisted she needed me to go with her somewhere for an hour. Leaving in the middle of a fight is so difficult, it’s so hard to act okay when you aren’t.

But leaving helped him. He calmed down, went out and relaxed. I was worried if I leave he would look at P again since he was stressed out. He claims he didn’t, says he wants to get past this, he doesn’t want to look at that. It’s hard to believe him. He lied to me only two weeks ago, claiming he only looked at it once, but looked at it 3 times.

I came back and we didn’t talk the rest of the night though. He obviously didn’t care how I was feeling. Didn’t want to talk about it. It’s so difficult because I know he didn’t want to stress himself out again. I feel like we’re stuck in this never ending cycle.

He doesn’t feel good - gets stressed out - looks at p - gets more stressed when I become upset that he looked - we fight - after a few days we become good again - he still feels like shit though so he - gets stressed out - looks at p ....

 

I think we need to really have a sit down conversation, and I think he needs to be completely 100% honest with not only me, but himself. I think he thinks he’s “better” than this, he isn’t addicted and this isn’t his problem, even though he says it, I don’t think he believes it.

TRIGGER WARNING****

He isn’t looking at weird or crazy porn though, he’s obsessed with blowjob’s. That’s literally the p he looks at 99% of the time. He asks me for one once in awhile, but doesn’t prefer it to getting a wet hand job. He’s obsessed with that. Also, everytime after he looks at p, and we’re fighting, all he wants to do is get a wet hand job or whatever. He always says “I don’t want other girls, I want you” or “I missed out with you, so now I want to do it with you”

I just don’t get it, it’s like I’m not good enough and the p isn’t either!!!