My way through sissy hell and 50 days of freedom

Hello guys. I decided to share my story here to express my gratitude for abstaining for 50 days now.
I do not consider myself distinctly successful, but I think it belongs here somehow.

Trigger warning: I'm not going to describe details about fapping itself, but sometimes I'll describe "setting" and preparation of my sessions to emphasize deep of the problem. So if you feel you may be triggered by this just don't read it. I'll try to keep it as SFW as possible though.

Spoiler: My kinks

My PMO slavery started many years ago anyway it takes a lot of time to fully develop some specific kinks. Probably my first deviation was "panties fetish" which very quickly developed to "crossdressing". I did this for many years and in some phase of my life, I owned a huge shopping bag filled with woman underwear and lingerie. Mostly purchased something stolen either from stores or real women. Although I have to hide it I never really consider it as something harmful. Just an innocent kink.

But it made me think. Am I gay? Am I trans? Even if I dated girls I felt unsure about my sexual identity. Besides it, I develop some other fetishes like hentai, furries, and even zoophilia. I never left any of these kinks so I kept pushing them through my life since my early teens.

And then I discovered sissy fetish. It conveniently expanded my crossdressing and started to fall deeper and deeper into this vortex. Hypno videos, faproulettes (what an evil thing!) and of course all the sex toys, clothes and accessories.

Although I was in a relationship I still continue with this. I was looking forward to moments when I was alone and do all that disgusting stuff. Whenever I got home earlier than my SO I PMOed until she came home. Of course, I had to keep track of her schedule and check her to stay unrevealed. It was crazy and humiliating. I started to lose interest in sex. We broke up several times because of it. (I didn't even realize it's because of it - I thought I need space to express myself, but in fact, everything I wanted was to fap).

I opened a bank account for my dirty desires and every month send x % of my income there only to spend it on sex toys and crossdressing accessories. When my SO left for a week or so I was able to spend a whole week in some strange PMO session. Bought clothes, toys, cosmetics, spent days in female underwear, did sissy trainings, enemas, self-humiliation. You name it. I used to edge for many days just to jerk off, sometimes using drugs.

When these sessions ended I felt like I crap. I was disgusted by myself, I discarded all that stuff I spent my money on, I spent a whole week and don't achieve anything but one crappy orgasm. I was a mess. And I was looking forward to it with a thrill! What a fool.

I could go weeks and months without fapping, but I spent most of my free time thinking about it. I used to believe that it's the way I'm. That I'm broken filthy freak. I accepted I'll be like this. That I'll marry girl, have kids and will hide in a bathroom to fap. That I'll spend the rest of my life lying.

I tried to quit many times. But I believed I can't and so I always failed. I was looking for excuses for failure and I'll always find some. I had no hope at all.

But one day... I'm not sure how this happened exactly. It was many many small things. I proposed to my GF, I started to do my own business, we traveled for some time, we went to some partner course, I started to wonder about God... And I just decided I want to stop for good. I did maybe 3 days on my own and then I signed up here. I met guys here who helped me understand my kinks and more importantly explained to me I'm not unfixably broken and all that shit was induced by porn. I got hope. And it was the breaking point. I believed I can beat it and I can have a normal life.

I felt incredibly freely. After so many years of despair and humiliation! All these make it unbelievably easy to quit. I still wonder why I did that for so long? Wonder why I was so incredibly stupid.

My life feels so fulfilled and happy now. I enjoy the simplest stuff in the world. Birds singing, street cats, trees in blossom. Also, I feel an amazing improvement in my sex life. We don't make love more often, maybe even less than before, but every act is so great and fulfilling. I really feel a deeper connection than ever.
I also have more time and confidence to focus on my work and hobbies. I started writing again after so many years (in my teens I was a poet), just for fun and for people I like.

It's been just 50 days, but it changed my life more than it changed in years. I just feel happier and more confident. I feel I become a better person.

I hope my story may be helpful for others and I'm so glad I can share it with you. Thanks to anybody who read the whole thing, you're great.

Good luck to all of you guys

 

Hi buddy. Thanks for reply. Just reading your post hitted so many triggers in me. It was all the same. Workout to be more feminine, thongs, envying hot girls. Totally same. And i was convenced there is nothing i can do to change it. But there is. Only think you have to do is really believe there is chance.
To be honest any time i see panties or sth it hits me again and again. I know it would be very easy to fall back again. But i also know it's easy not to. Just choose the right way and go there. It'll slowly fade away. I'm not sure it will ever disappear, but i can go through many days not to think about that shit at all. I also try to focus on some positive stuff, like hobbies, self-improvement and so. It helps a lot.

I'm sure, you're 99 % straight manly guy. Thats only porn which mess up our brains. And if you decide to quit, there is nothing that can stop you. Just say no to porn for now and forever. It's easier than you imagine.
Love bro

 

But we are unique. Just not in porn. There is no space for individuality, it's just black hole marked with fetish labels. We have to find our own life.
Anyway if you feel you need someone to listen, feel free to write me. I'll be glad to help. Take care, pal

 

Hello. I'm really sorry about triggering you or someone else. I realise that it might by a problem.
But i also believe that can be helpful to those who want to learn about the issue. When i first came here i tried to find answers for my questions and it was just random forum titled similarly as this one that gave my the answers. I also mentioned in my threat:

(I refer to it as "guys i met here", but it was actually the threat where i found them)
So i find it important for title to be relavant to the topic, although it can be be sensitive to someone.

Sorry bout that.
Good luck on your journey.

 

Hi thanks for support!
Don't be so harsh to this poor guy He just try to stay away from his triggers which is good and i guess he's new here. However i have reasons for name it as i named it, and i'm not gona change it although some might not like it.

Keep on good work, pal

 

:-D you're right! Or if its not free medicine atleast it's instructions to DIY medicine. Good you decided to quit. You'll make it. Keep goin, stay strong, do well, buddy

 

Hi. I guess it is normal. Normal, but for sure not healthy. What really helps me is stay away from any sexual or arousing thought. Close the browser, drop the magazine, leave the store, cross a street, look away. The less i think about it the less it bothers me. The worst thing that can happen to you is some kind of obsession. It may seems it's still try to drag you down, as if the addiction is hunting you, but there is a way out. Always.
Try to focus on important things in your life and just let it disappear. It has less power than you might think.

Stay safe, bro

 

@A.V.R @Gmork @Roady @Angelos
Hi guys. Just focus on our own issues and try not to generalize as @Roady suggested. For instance person who helped me the most here was trans-girl and i'm not gonna make any judgement about her sexuality. I think there are worse issues than what gender we're attracted to.

 

True. More you niggle in porn and doubts the more it affects you. Just cut it off for good and everything is gonna be fine.