A Work in Progress

Perhaps you could call me a late bloomer. I was the one in the group to laugh at M jokes but have no idea what it was about, until I was almost 20 years old. When I did decide I wanted to know, all I could find was a brief and rather simple explanation. I was too embarrassed to ask anyone I knew and so I took the bits of information I had and started exploring until I figured it out.

The more I would M the more I wanted to. O was very easy for me to reach, comparative to some females. I would use any excuse to fantasize or to MO. It took me a little while to put 2 and 2 together and to seek out PSUBs. I never went past soft P, but I found the hard core soft P. And I took those images and pushed them to their limit in my mind.

By age 22 or 23 I was incredibly addicted and starting to get sick of the habit. I could keep sex in the back of my mind through my 8 hour workday and then when I got home I had to either keep the addiction in check or just let it run wild, depending on my responsibilities and who would be around. When I had the house all to myself I would go for hours. I had no clue that I was depressed. I kept a pretty balanced-looking life, with friends and church and family and even dabbling in hobbies. Inside, I was dying from the grief of past hurts and the shame that came with every new cycle of PMO.

One night I was trying to sleep but I was unable to stop MO. I decided I was done and wasn't going to PMO any more. I finally got up and took a long shower and went back to bed. I slept a few fitful hours before it was time to start the day. Throughout this time of deciding to be done with the addiction, I relied heavily on prayer. I saw progress. I even made myself a chart.

When the addiction saw a soft spot and crept back into my life the shame continued. It was no longer a terrible beast tying me down for hours on end, causing me to focus my thoughts and energies on faux sex, but it still had a hold on me.

My social skills had already suffered from a neglectful upbringing. My parents loved with all they had. Their problems kept them from fully engaging their parenting. I suffered for it. As I added in PMO to my repertoire of numbing skills, my connection to people was deadened. While I had been growing in my capacity to be socially intimate, this sent me in the opposite direction. When I began to side step the addiction I was able to better lean into relationships with the people around me. Although I was still hooked, I was also able to make progress.

At this point, I am 30. I have been through so many experiences since my early days of experimentation. I have discovered my own tendency toward codependency. I have found and lost love. I have completed the schooling that I wanted to. My life is showing signs of the kind of accomplishment that I have craved. If I hadn't decided to stop PMO when I did, I am sure that this would have been impeded. If I had actually been able to stop when I wanted to, then I think that my social progress would have begun more quickly and fully.

I credit my Higher Power for guiding me to NoFap. I don't even remember what I was searching for when I found the site. It has been an incredible gift to me on this journey. Prior to this, the only way that I had found to go so long without PMO was to be in a relationship. Now I am halfway to the fabled 90 days and I know that I will get to it. If not this time around, I will get to it in the near future.

My emotions have been a roller coaster during this time of breaking with the addiction. I am super sensitive to temptations. I have some fears that creep up. But I also have an incredible community. There are so many people here who have similar desires, wanting to be free from this addiction. We are all so different from one another, but we have this aim in mind that we want to live life abundantly. I'm up for that.

 

Thank you. What is your goal?

 

I got ya. That’s similar to mine. I am hoping for more grace for myself when I do what I don’t want to do. I am not married, but am hoping to find Mr. Right and get married and—in conjunction with the whole of our marriage—have a caring sexual relationship with him.

 

You as well