Struggling to trust again

Hi, I have recently discovered, my partner of 2 and a half years has a porn addiction. I knew for a few months before it got too much and I confronted him. He tried to gaslight me and play it right down until I pushed and pushed and told him how much I knew. I knew things weren't right from the start but couldn't put my finger on it as I've never came across anything like this before. I just never really felt like i truly knew him, I was always kept at arms length. He's had ED right from the start, and I thought with time that would change, we started to use erection pills that worked sometimes. He wasn't that interested in sex (which I thought strange for a new relationship) but we got on well and wanted the same things from life. Just a deeper connection was always missing. He would say all the right things but actions seemed to be different. For the first year it was a long distance relationship as he worked away, we spoke every night and saw each other for a week or so out of every 3 or if he had leave longer. I have now moved in with him and relocated. I now work for the same company as him in a different department, I do some night shifts, sex didn't change, there still wasn't a great deal of interest. Late last year I discovered he had looked up porn while I was on night shift. I confronted him and he said he was just mucking around. There was heaps for 1 nights mucking around but he came home from work that day and smashed his iPad with a hammer. I thought that was over reaction for something that was once off.I said he could still do it on his phone and he told me he wouldn't do that because they can get into your bank account, silly me believed him. About 3 months later he left his phone unlocked and I checked the history there was heaps days and days, hours and hours . I didn't tell him what I'd seen but confronted him about our sex life, once again he lied. So I started pushing for a lot more sex thinking this would stop him. I threw out all my underwear and only wore really sexy stuff. I still got no reaction or felt like I was noticed. I'm not a big person (58kg) but started dieting and working out to have the perfect toned body , I got botox and an array of other facials on a quest for perfect skin. I wore my hair up differently so I would look younger like the girls he seems to go for. I drove myself crazy every day and started drinking just to sleep at night or day depending on my shift. Until I realized I couldn't live like this any longer so confronted him and finally drew out a confession like extracting a wisdom tooth. I still wonder whether he is truly sorry or just sorry he got caught out. That was a little over 6 weeks ago he said he would be open with me and he was a bit to start. He says he's stopped and won't do it again, he also doesn't talk about it anymore because he wants to forget and not bring it up all the time so he says. I'm really really struggling to believe him and trust him. I'm still very hurt and keep going over things in my head. I'm just not sure I can believe him and trust him. I'm hoping it will come soon as I stress every time I have to do night shift and he is at home alone.

 

Thank you so much for your response, my greatest issue, apart from the problem its self, is that he doesn't really open up and talk about it. He says its because he doesn't want to be reminded of it and that he is stubborn and because of the embarrassment and shame he knows himself and won't do it again. He says hes not into counseling and talking to people. But because of everything I've read, I'm extremely sceptical it's over. When it first came out I sent him some youtube clips I found of others talking about their experiences and what it does to the dopamine levels and rebooting also of attachment styles dismissive avoidance. He said they were really helpful and a couple of things stuck in his head "if its not real, no deal" and " once the secret is out it loses its power " I asked him to explain what the second one meant for him so I could understand the power that had been lost but he couldn't or wouldn't explain it, said he didn't know. He has since told me he doesn't want or need me to keep sending anymore to him. He sometimes asks me how I'm going and out of fear of causing yet another argument I just say yeah ok. I want to keep the lines of communication open and have him come to me and say this is how I'm going/thinking/feeling whether it be good, bad or ugly. Just so that I can feel closer, connected and apart of his life and know him. I'm scared it's going back to me being shut out/shut down and kept at arms length again. I need to know the balance of getting on with life and not talking about it all the time or too much and making him feel bad but also not brushing it under the carpet.

 

Hi, you are most welcome in this conversation. I am mostly scared that it's not all over like hes leading me to believe. I'm waiting for voluntarily honest conversation. I'm getting nothing and I know it's too soon for it to be all gone away, so I'm feeling like I've been left in the dark again even though things are going ok my anxiety levels are through the roof. I'm so scared I'm going to find out something and I'm not sure how much more I can take. I'd much perfer to be on the same level as far as honesty goes, that will build my trust no matter what he has to tell me at least I will know he is being straight with me. I'd rather that than to "find out" or get the bad initiative feelings I get.