Mermaid’s Joural 2

Some days in the life of the trauma betrayed:

Saturday night when I came home from the beach trip where I had been constantly triggered being with my daughter and shoppingand bottling my feelings for two days, I had a complete meltdown. I went right to the bottle- normally I don’t drink very often but I took a whole bottle and drank about 3/4 red wine. My husband was there at the house trying to get things ready so we can put the house on the market and I went into sobbing agony crying mode. Now I have admitted to having a death wish, but at this point I actually was feeling like I wanted to self harm. This is scary but while drunk, I kicked my husband out of the room, locked the door and took my machete and just pressed it to my forearm hard. I felt physical pain that took away emotional pain, didn’t bleed from it. Then I went into my bathroom and heated up my curling iron and touched that to my bicep-that left a little mark. And then I put my hand on my shotgun that I keep near my bed. I have had thoughts of the shotgun 2x prior. After a little more crying release and M 2x with fantasy of guy I had met in a beach shop showing me around the beach town i was in, having an innocent romance (weirdly my fantasy didn’t include sex), then I fell asleep.

That night was filled with vivid nightmares about him watching porn- unable to get his attention like he was a zombie M’ing. I was yelling his name and he just pushed me away and continued M. The other dream- I vandalized hallways of art with hershys syrup then my face in the mirror with scratch marks and hershys syrup.

I’m alright now- that was Saturday night. Sunday I woke up and felt like I just wanted to lay in bed all day but there was so much work to do on the house still. My husband ended up coming home from work on FMLA to help me, and I was so thankful. We got some work done. We went on an hour hike for stress relief, then we had Kareeza- I know I’m just numbing pain and told him my reason for wanting sex/kareeza And we did it anyway and it was a sweet escape of dissociation for about 1.5 hours.

Monday I went to work- it was emotionally draining- a patient came in for treatment but was actively dying- worst jaundice I’ve ever seen. His family wanted to treat but he said “I just want to die”. I helped him get on hospice, hugged each person and then went in the back after they left- cried for one minute then wiped my tears and went out to hang chemo with a fake smile on my face. That evening my husband came over, got a lot of yard work done, then we took a bath with kareeza again for over an hour. (More numbing). I’m sure this isn’t healthy. I don’t know how else to cope at this point. I don’t know how this affects my husband with recovery and I’m a little concerned- two days kareeza no O release. I’m not concerned enough to put him and his recovery first. My numbing/coping is first- I feel a little selfish but also not caring.

I have the day off today. Meeting with my realtor and scheduling photo shoot of house.

I feel less stress today like I can actually get up out of bed and be productive. Husband is at work that is full of potential triggers. Don’t care. I cannot control him.

This is life.

 

Like one what?

Don’t worry-
She doesn’t know that she triggers me. I hide my feelings with her. I’m protecting her from this as much as I can. She’s excited to move into a house with just the two of us... she can’t wait. She’s the apple of my eye and she feels loved by me and she is. When I’m triggered by her, I just take a moment away, breathe, realize it’s my problem, not hers. I know I’ll get over this at some point. I just have to ride it out and continue to heal.

 

No.

 

Putting the house on the market tomorrow, then I will be very busy shopping for a small house for me and my daughter. Hope I can find something soon because I have an old dog and 2 cats that will be displaced with me. Anxiety rising as I’m typing. Just gotta get through this next month then I can rest and heal.

 

My daughter knows. She asked me point blank if she thought that my husband (her step dad) ever thought about her sexually.... and she could see it in my eyes as I was just silent. Her heart is broken, she is so disappointed, but like me she doesn't hate him, feels sorry for him. It's just is very very tragic that he lied about this porn problem long ago before it devastated and destroyed our family. She doesn't want to see him again at this point. I told her she doesn't have to. I also found myself somehow defending him.. like "he's trying so hard to recover" and "it's really brave that he came clean on this, the counselor says that's a good sign".... and I pissed myself off... why would I defend him? GOD I hate this. My son age 22 was present at the time so he knows too. He is disappointed as well, I know this deflated his hopes of future family togetherness. He had just been telling me the day before how he thought after the full disclosure, we would start working it out.

So, the counselors said that this disclosure to her should be done by him (the PA) and in an environment with counselors. I did not comply to that, because I am the mother, I know what my daughter needs. I am confident I did it the right way because if I had lied to her face when she asked me, this would have made things WAY worse. She needs a solid person in her life that won't lie to her. She would have felt betrayed by me as well. I'm going to be there for her and she trusts me. Sometimes... a lot of times, I go against what therapists want me to do. Like this full disclosure thing... I don't want to wait 6 months to a year to know this shit.. I understand getting out of the fog, but if there's something big like... I saw a prostitute or I slept with someone, I DO NOT agree that you should wait to tell your spouse. I think it's worse IMO. But everyone does it different and according to what they think is best I guess.

At this point, I don't see that my daughter will be able to move past this. This being weighed in, I can't see "the light" of putting our family back together, but I'll still wait the full year before divorce. Can a miracle happen? I used to think so, but my spirituality is broken.

I know how my daughter feels right now- I had an uncle that I was very close to and I looked at him as a father figure (my dad was absent), he taught me how to drive, most weekends were spend with him and my aunt. I loved him since I was 4. I was his "princess". He violated that relationship with his perverted actions and it was kept a secret in my family, from my aunt. This was not good. I wanted to tell my aunt, but my mom said "no" don't break my sister's heart. So yes, I completely understand that betrayal, but I'm not making my mom's mistake, it will be aired out, no secrets.
I told her that there would come a time when her stepdad will want to apologize face to face, she started crying at this point (1st cry). I told her that it would be good for him, for his recovery but if she didn't want to do it, there is absolutely no pressure. She doesn't have to see him at all unless she wants closure. She said that she might feel different in the future about closure but right now she doesn't want to see him.

I feel very distant from him right now. I still love him and hope the best for him but I just need to be there for my hurting kids now. My energy and attention is focused on them and our healing. I let go of control of him. I deleted 360 so I don't know where he is at all times. I don't want to know unless he relapses, and he is to tell me that same day. I've go to let him go, he's got to be accountable to himself.

My husband sent me a heartfelt email about how sorry he is that he caused the same scar in my daughter that I had from my uncle and it was nice for him to acknowledge my pain and being very sensitive but seeing my daughter in pain makes me remember my childhood wounds, brings them to the surface. I have a lot to deal with right now. Today is Independence Day and I will mark this day as independence from the burden of trying to control, keep track, spend energy worrying about him and his recovery. This fight is his. I'm free of it.

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I have been working the assignments in Bloomforwomen.com and one was to write a letter to yourself as if you are yourself's best friend who knows your strengths and weaknesses, knows who you are and is compassionate like a best friend would be and here it is:

Dear Mermaid,

I know you have a had your heart ripped out of your chest. I know that he took the very most precious thing that you value, (one of your children) and he violated the bond of father/daughter that you thought was in place for her. I know you were so happy that you had found a love that you also saw as a fatherly love for your children. He twisted that to a disgusting unholy sexual pleasure for himself. I know you are hurting and you have a long way to go before you are healed.


He lied to you, you believed him. You trusted him. This is what a good wife does. You were a good wife to him. He had plenty of chances to turn from the dark side and come clean. You gave him many opportunities over the years with open arms. Your gut was telling you that something was off, remember when you came to him last year and said we need to do something, our marriage is blah..to spark it up, he bought marriage books, dating books…You DID feel something wasn’t right. He was actively indulging in thoughts of your daughter at the time and made a choice that he liked what he was doing. He had a chance to change at any moment, and he didn’t. You were there for him.


You’ve been a good step mom, planning fun family activities and vacations, respecting the way that their mom and your husband want to raise their kids, not meddling. You guys experienced a lot of fun together and their lives are a little richer with those experiences. You have no control over what is happening to them right now. Their mom has been through sexual betrayal and knows the pain and it’s her and his' responsibility for their kid’s healing. Let that go. You have enough on your plate.


You are strong and you will get through this. You can do hard things. I know you love him more than words but he needs to feel his full consequences so that he doesn’t go back to the life of smut. You know that the only reason that you changed is that you felt the pain of loss with your x-husband and that divorce. You overcame your weakness of infidelity and I know that gives you a lot of peace. You had choices to go wayward. You could have slept with that guy at work with an open marriage, you could have got online and found your dopamine hits, getting attention like you used to but you didn’t, you haven’t. You have so far found your biggest strength in nature with hiking and this is a good healthy choice. You know that acting out is not the way to happiness, you know that deeply.


Upon disclosure, if your daughter reacts with a lot pain and you can see that being with him isn’t going to work, you CAN handle being alone. You will get to know yourself in an intimate way. You can “date” yourself. It will not be the end of the world even though it may feel like it. You will heal from the loss. You will be ok alone, but it is very possible that you will find someone like you thought you had again, a best friend and intimate lover in the future, but you need time to heal and discover yourself. You don’t know how strong you are yet. You think you are weak and you play the victim at times, but listen to your daughter's words “Come on mom, you are better than this”. Your daughter will need you to sacrifice your relationship with your husband for her healing or she will be messed up for life like you are. She will have to deal with the same things… a mom who chose her own happiness and asked her children to brush things under the rugs, a mom who doesn’t stand up for her daughter’s virtue. You don’t want this for your daughter. You already feel much shame and guilt for the first divorce and how that effected her. Learn from that.


It will be hard, but again, you can do hard things. You have your health, you have a compassionate good heart that cares for even the ones that hurt you most in life.


As I’ve told you before: Put your big girl panties on! It’s going to get thick, keep one foot in front of the other.


With much love and hopefulness,

Your own self, Mermaid.

 

The counselor says that it’s a typical time to do it after three months but he wants to make sure that the fog has cleared so now It’s been five months and then the reason they’re waiting six months I think it’s because the counselor wants me to be in a “safe place” emotionally or something. But I’m not going to ever be in a “safe place” until I know everything and that’s so stupid to wait for me to feel emotionally safe just to throw me down the hole again.

Right now... my daughter wearing a sweatshirt and long jeans on a day she’d usually wear shorts and a tank top... she’s self conscious and wounded and to see her hurting and affected pisses me off so bad- she thinks it’s HER fault! This is evoking the mother bear in me. I don’t even care if I have a full disclosure now. It’s enough! I feel so stupid and ashamed that I didn’t see this and I had my daughter in this danger and I’m fucking pissed that the man I trusted did this!
My feelings right now I’m this moment: I don’t want full disclosure! I don’t anything to do with him. I want out.

 

And if I’m going to be honest with my feelings- Don’t tell me what to do!

 

@GhostWriter I'm sorry, that was mean.

 

Update:

Sold the house (pending)
Bought new house (pending)
Husband is allowing me most, I mean like 90% of the provisions for my downpayment on my new house to avoid PMI.
Realtor stupidly put closing date on a date that my daughter and I will be in Hawaii.
Husband to the rescue, will move all my stuff from old house to my new house.
Husband rents a studio furnished place.
I will be in a "safe" place to heal from this betrayal trauma.
I'm not ready to "date" him yet although we spend time together and it appears as if we are dating but we are not.
We still have sex when I want it, sometimes kareeza, sometimes not.
Husband appears to be going strong with his recovery, doing the work.
My daughter knows about her step dad's fantasizing about her. She is shocked and hurt and going through the hyper stage where she has too much energy (same as me with Dday). She has a hard time sleeping. She won't go to counseling.
Daughter is living with her biological dad and is distant from me a little but is very excited to move to our new place, just the two of us.
I spend some time with husband's 16 year old daughter who says "I'm done with him!".. because this is the 2nd marriage he ruined.
I'm sad at the eminent separation that I feel is needed. When I move to my new place, he will not be coming over.
I said to him: It's tragic that we love each other but your actions have made it impossible to be a family (daughter fantasizing).
Confession of disgrace: I said "Why don't we go to a bar and I'll sit by myself and you can just watch men pick up on me... (I was looking sexy with a backless shirt) you can watch me get dopamine hits from every guy that wants me as you just sit there helpless. (This is anger and pain talking), but yeah... not so healthy, I didn't do that, just said it.
Life as an SO of a PA sucks...

 

Yeah, I've got my NoFap homies, a girl therapist (finally) and bloom forum and I still talk candidly to my husband. He hears it all.

 

Thanks, hanging in there. I don't cry every day now.

 

Why?
If the goal is to want the "real" instead of porn. Why is it so bad? He's still my husband. AND why should I go without sex? This isn't MY fault. It's better to get it from him than some random guy. The only reason it feels wrong is that I feel like there's something wrong with me that I still want him when he thought of my daughter in the sexual way, but he is recovering. If he wasn't, I wouldn't even think of being close to him in any way. He is trying very hard and hasn't had a relapse since his P-sub incident 92 days ago when he watched a Mature rated show, no M. Explain your perspective Ghostie.

 

I was thinking hard on the reasons I continue to have sex with my husband.
1. I want to be close to him.
2. He’s a way better lover since he’s been off of porn.
3. It does give me a dopamine hit and I do feel good during and after... and why shouldn’t I? That’s what sex between people is supposed to do! I don’t think it makes me an addict. I don’t watch porn. Just because I like sex doesn’t mean I’m an addict even if I do it to feel good, I mean why does anyone have sex???
3. It helps remind him what is real vs what is not. He has said that it motivates him to continue on his recovery path. He hasn’t had chasers.
4. As @Trappist explained. We all live until we die. Life is finite, youth is finite. I’m not going to waste time when there’s good love making to be had! He could die tomorrow. I could die tonight.

I think the only thing I struggle with at times is how can I be forgiving and be close with a man who sexualized my daughter, even if he is sickened with his previous thoughts and hasn’t thought about her like that since November. It seems wrong as a mother but right as a wife to forgive.