Mermaid’s Joural 2

How can we ever take the word of a an addict? I’m grateful he was honest with me about his thoughts about with my daughter. Is there more? I don’t know. There are so many blended families and so much porn about incest. Stepdaughter stepmother’s, stepson’s, step siblings…PA’s objectify people they shouldn’t because that’s the disease. That’s what excites them when they become used to the Mundain. You never really know. Because they don’t really have to be honest. That’s the scary thing. Nobody really has to be honest.

 

I'm more sad than I am pissed about him objectifying my daughter, because that is where the disease brought him. I do a lot of things to feel good, not just sex with him. It's called self care. Humans are suppose to secrete these "feel good" hormones. It's not a bad thing, it's the way we were made. Sex is just but one thing that causes those hormones for me. Nature and exercise is the biggest source of "feel good" hormones for me. Also cheesecake and chocolate, and all are in moderation. I have a normal sex drive for a woman of my age and I am not addicted to it. It doesn't rule me.

I love my husband AND I am protective of my daughter. These are not in conflict with each other. Maybe because I'm a nurse and have dealt with patient's with addiction as a county jail nurse, I can see his issues as a disease and feel very sorry he was given this to deal with this in life starting at a very young age, and i see his remorse and efforts. Cancer is the disease I fight every day with my patients and if there is one thing I absolutely know: Live life to the fullest every day. Don't waste time. Forgive because not one of us is perfect, so why would I not live with love? I am doing things to both love my husband and protect my daughter and I hope the rest sorts itself out because I can only control how I live and love.

 

I had a birthday yesterday. I got some good kid and step kid time in the day before having a Breakfast picnic party (Mermaid themed of course). My step daughter painted a mermaid and my step son got me a fish tank "mermaid kit". I spent the morning packing with my husband and then he bought me lunch. It's hard to go out with him in public. I'm getting much better at going out by myself though. I spent the latter part of the day with my own kids going to Mission Impossible and then on a hike. It was a good day. Cried once because it's hard to love someone you don't trust, but shook it off pretty quickly. Also a large dragonfly flew into our house and we caught it and I got to hold it for a moment before it flew away.... that was special.

 

Hawaii and Move

I booked this trip to Hawaii for my daughter and me about 3 weeks after Dday anticipating that we’d need some relaxation.
I didn’t anticipate the lack of joy I have in this moment. My daughter is sleeping in a bed beside me- she isn’t exactly aware of what’s inside my heart but yesterday she said- your eyes look sad. I said to her- it’s provably my eyeliner smeared from swimming- but it’s not. My eyes are sad... I am sad. In Hawaii. The water is dull to me. Everything seems grey.

She just laughed in her sleep and it brought a smile to me.

We made a promise not to snap at each other because with the stress of this family explosion caused by my husband’s porn addiction, we are both sensitive and we snap at each other more often. We have been doing really well but last night- we had a small issue... you see- I usually plan a vacation, making the most out of the time, coordinating time like a boss! I delight in vacation planning for my family and we have been on some amazing adventures.

This trip is different. No planning, no energy, no drive. The only thing I planned was a Manta Ray snorkel.

My daughter is frusterated that I have not planned as usual and we started getting snippy because we were not agreeing on what to do- we worked through it and we are ok as of last night. Together we planned our today.
Southernmost point, Green Beach and then a secluded beach- hopefully minimal triggers.

My husband moved all of my stuff to my new house while I am here. It was hard on him. He texted me this:

“My soul is empty and my heart is shattered. I cried my way through every room and out the front door. I have ruined a beautiful blessing and now it’s gone.
May your heart and soul be healed so you can see the strong confidant adorable and pretty sexy woman you are. I’m sorry for your pain and agony I have caused you. May you feel rest and peace again.”

Then I replied:

“I know you’re hurting too. This must be killing you to lose your family as a whole. I feel like I lost a huge piece of me with all this.

I’m sorry I had to do this separation. You know I don’t want to and I love you. It just can’t work right now. You know you gave me no choice.

You stay strong. Fight that demon and don’t let him win. I truly hope you can forever overcome your addiction.

I forgive you. I’m still angry and deeply heartbroken but I know you’re a good person with a sickness.

Thanks again for all you have done for me in these last 6 months to help me heal. You really couldn’t have done better with helping me- your generosity and selflessness just makes me recognize how good a man is in there.

❤️ I do love you. I’ll miss you immensely. ”

I know I’m doing the right thing but It’s the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.

Oh, she’s awake!! Another day in Hawaii begins... going to try to feel that joy.

 

I'm in my new place. A little 1200 square foot house (our other was 2700). I bought a soft comfortable chair where I will do my healing work with Bloomforwomen.com. I still have boxes to unpack. My daughter got to decorate her own bathroom. She choose foresty theme and I gave her $100. to decorate. It's really cute. I feel peaceful tonight.

Yesterday I called the new owner of my old house to ask if I could pick up my mail. She was very sweet and thanked me for taking such good care of the house. She said that she and her boyfriend have a blended family and this house came on the market at just the right time and it's "such a blessing". She loves the paint and the kids room upstairs with the chalkboard. I had written on it... "Welcome to your new home!" She said the house has such a homey feeling and she is just thrilled. After I got off the phone with her, I had a meltdown. This was on my lunch and I came back to work crying. Off and on all the rest of the day I was feeling so sad. It just reminded me of when we found that house and how perfect it was for us. I put a lot of love into that house, a lot of sweat. So many good memories of our family, tainted now by his porn. Did he do it here? Did he watch it there?

Anyway, tonight I feel better. The animals are driving me crazy though. Two cats can't go out yet and they want to so bad. The dog is a bit insecure and needy.

I had my step kids over today so all the kids got together and played a four player video game. Their laughter and game banter cracked me up. The girls made brownies, a favorite past time and the boys were stupid as usual... taking their shirts off and comparing muscles lol. I miss my step kids. Husband's daughter still has a lot of anger... "I'm done with him". She would be so much more angry if she knew about her dad's fantasizing about her step sister.

It's been 6 months since Dday and we are legally separated and now physically separated to more extent. I have told him that when I move into my new place, there'd be more of a distinct separation. There hasn't been because 1. my daughter went to live with her dad but is now going to be at my place way more often and 2. I needed him to help me get the house ready to sell. 3. I had a hard time being away from him because I feel the urge to control but I need now to let him go. I need to see what he does when he is not being controlled by me. I need to see if he can be accountable to himself... and I need to see this for a long period of time. I don't know how long.

I bought a gazebo! I've always wanted one. It will be another safe place of peacefulness for me outside, I have an outdoor chimney fire place and also a brick oven and garden boxes! There's plenty to keep me busy and I feel hopeful for the healing process.

 

Text from my husband: "I deeply miss you, the kids and the family". I texted back... "I know, me too". He will be going through a dark test of time. I really hope he doesn't relapse, turn to porn for comfort.

 

Good luck to you and your SO. It’s such a hard thing to do but in my case it’s the right thing to do. I’m sure of it.