New to NoFap, telling my story for the first time...

I wrote this late at night, so I apologise for any spelling or grammatical errors. I also want to put a disclaimer here that my sexuality and mental state is pretty fucked up and you might take offense or think that I'm a freak. My problems go way deeper than PMO.

I'm 27, soon to be 28 years old. I live in a small town in Sweden with my girlfriend and our dog. Everyone around me thinks I live a normal life. I work, have an education in music, play in a band, play videogames and spend time with my girlfriend and my dog. I've been together with my girlfriend for almost 10 years, and she has no clue that I'm seriously addicted to PMO.

Up until I started with NoFap, I pretty much started each day by fapping to porn, and it was the last thing I did before I went to sleep. Altough, since I moved in with my girlfriend it got better, mainly because I can't fap to porn when she's around (I've been looking at porn without fapping at every single opportunity though). She doesn't know anything of what I am about to tell you. She hates porn and would leave me if she found out that I've been watching it during our whole relationship.

I'm an hardcore PMO addict of 15 years. Over these 15 years, PMO has been my mental "savior" (I'll explain later). But I have payed for it. Constant brain fog and tiredness. Can't concentrate for long and I feel like I'm in a dream world where I just go along the journey of life without really becoming a part of it. I've kept this a secret, and I doubt anyone even thinks that I have this problem. I've become a good actor, because my problems go way deeper than just PMO. This is the first time I ever tell my story.

My story starts when I was around 13. You see, I've had two fetishes since I was a kid, they're not something that has evolved from porn. I think that I differ from alot of other people in this regard. I havn't really changed my "taste" much when it comes to porn, even though I've probably PMO'd an average of 2-4 times per day the last 15 years. My sexuality was really wierd and "hardcore" from the beginning...

First off, I have a foot fetish, which is atleast somewhat normal. Ever since I was a kid, I've looked at girls/womens feet. Over the last 15 years I've looked at feet every single day, obsessed with them, be it online or on the street. I had an account on instagram where I followed around 800 footmodels. I saved the pictures I liked and then categorized them into different folders depending on what was in the picture. I must have spent around an hour per day (minumum) doing this for about 4-5 years. I've also looked at feet on both youtube and regular pornsites for about an hour per day. Although my girlfriend lets me "do my thing" to her beautiful feet, I've always had a hard time enjoying it. Watching pictures and porn online arouse me more, which is a good indicator that something is indeed wrong with me. I've never had any problem to get an erection though, but cumming has been a problem alot of times.

On to my other fetish, and here's where it gets wierd and deeply personal. Don't judge me too hard.

I had my first orgasm while I was pretending to be an amputee at around 13 years old. One of my friends showed me that you could put your pants on with your knees first, making you look like a double amputee. I must have been around 6-7 years old when this took place. I remember putting my left knee in and had my right leg as normal so that it looked like my left leg was amputated above the knee. I then walked upstairs to show my mother how funny it looked, and she screamed at me to stop doing that and that one should not pretend to be an amputee. That incident is what I think started this fetish for me. It was something "forbidden". Later on I would incorperate my amputee pretending when I played with friends. I used to play with a girl and we pretended together. For her it was just a game, but for me it was something special. I remember that my dick got hard when I pretended, but I didn't know why at the time. I would later realise that I was horny. Later on when I started watching porn online I would look for pictures of amputee women (and sometimes men, even though I'm straight. But it's the amputation itself that makes me aroused). I've PMO'd watching movies and picture of all kinds of amputations.

And these are the two fetishes I've always PMO'd to. My interests have never changed over these 15 years of porn addiction. But as I said in the beginning, my problems go deeper than just PMO.

There's a mental disorder called BIID, Body integrity identity disorder, which I suffer from. I've only told one person about this, and she's a scientist who researches the disorder. For me the disorder comes in waves, I can go months without feeling anything, but then it hits me like a train again. You see, I want my left leg to be amputated right above the knee. I genuinly feel that benath that point, the leg doesn't belong to me or my body. And that together with the fact that I'm turned on by both other amputees and the though of being one myself, makes it very, very hard to handle (Most people who suffer from BIID arn't turned on by amputees). I found out early on that I can control this urge if I PMO alot. Then I don't think about it as much and therefor I've called PMO "my savior". I'm terrified to be labeled as a freak so I havn't dared seeking proffessional help for this.

I'm now on day 30 of NoFap and I really feel better overall and I'm extremely proud of my achievement, I think I've manged about 1 day prior to this. BUT, I'm slowly getting the BIID feelings back. I've kept them under control over the years by becoming numb from PMO, but now when life returns to my body and mind, so does my BIID. I can feel exactly where my left leg should end, and I'm thinking more and more about my desire to become an amputee. I'm too afraid to do anything about it myself, but I'm constantly hoping for something to happen so I have to amputate it.

My hope is that when I reach my goal with NoFap, atleast my porn addiction will be gone and I will be able to enjoy sex with my girlfriend to the same level (or even better) that I've enjoyed PMO. I have low hopes for my BIID to be affected by it, but hey, atleast I get one problem of my mind. I want to find proffessional help for the BIIID, but to do that I first have to tell my girlfriend about it, and I'm afraid she will react badly to it and leave me thinking I'm a freak. Deep down in my heart though, I think she would support me, but I dare not take the chance.

Thank you for reading, and again - don't judge me too hard. This is the first time I really tell anyone my story and I hope by doing so I can become a better and more sane person. Perhaps I can help someone, if there's anyone at all who shares feelings similar to mine.

It feels so nice to finally get all this off my chest!

 

Thank you!

 

Thank you for reading my post, it means alot! It sure is a struggle doing nofap and trying to stop PMO when you have a foot fetish. Like you guys said, feet and sexy shoes are om display EVERYWHERE. On the TV, at the local supermarket, on the street, social media - you name it. I’m on day 39 today. The struggle is real, I don’t think I’ve ever done anything as mentally demanding as nofap. I’ve noticed a slight change in my foot fetish - my ”standards” have gone down and right now I pretty much get aroused by any female foot, as long as it’s somewhat nice looking. Before this I used to be extremly picky!

The more days i do nofap, the more I find myself having to fight the urge to ”just take a peak” at feet. I’ve deleted my foot fetish - instagram account, but I still have my main one. I’ve never used that to look for feet, but now I find myself casually looking at random female accounts just to see if they have a picture that contains some feet. The worst thing about it is that I do it somewhat unconsciously. As soon as I realize what I’m actually doing, I stop. Doing nofap after 13 years of hardcore PMOing is so hard, and my brain is constantly trying to trick me into a relapse.

I too need feet to get off during sex, just like you guys. Vanilla stuff doesn’t really do it for me either. I did however notice an improvement last night when I had sex with my girlfriend. I could actually get off from a handjob without her feet being in my face - so things are slowly going forward!

Thank you for the book recommendation kinkaddict92, I’ll see if I can get ahold of it! I read your story aswell , and I can relate to it 100%!

Keep on fighting guys, you can do this! And thank you again for reading my story. It really means alot. I can’t share my addiction or speak about it with anyone I know IRL, so this helps alot!

Interestingly my BIID feelings are actually really low right now, which is nice. It would be a dream come true if they are just PMO related and not something deeper, bit it’s to early to say.

Thanks!

 

Hey!

I totally understand you, where do you live? We've had the warmest and longest summer in Sweden that I've experienced. That combined with doing nofap and having a Foot Fetish has been a struggle for sure! I can't wait for the weather to get colder (never thought I'd ever think that, lol) so that I don't see feet everywhere. I went to a restaurant to get lunch today, and the waitress had incredible feet. My collegue must have wondered what the hell I was looking at when I followed her feet with my eyes whenever she came close to our table. But I just can't help myself. I don't know if this will ever change, nor if I really want it to. Like you said aswell,I don't really hate my foot fetish and I don't really want it to change, I just want to experience other aspects of sex aswell.

I'm on day 46 today. I keep unconsiously looking at feet in real life or on instagram, etc. That does not seem to go away any time soon. I did however noticed something else this morning when I walked to work. I genuinly felt in love and attracted to my girlfriend for the first time in a loooong time. I've been numb for so long! Later on during my walk I had to stop to wait for a train to pass, and what do you think rolls up next to me on a bike? A girl with supernice feel on display in open toed sandals. But here's the thing - I looked at them and though - "Nice feet, but I prefer my girlfriends!"

I have NEVER, EVER had that though before. So NoFapis definately working! Keep it up man!

 

Hi and thank you for your reply!

I will do that for sure, where do I create a journal?

I'll definately check those resources out, thanks!

Keep on fighting!

 

Thank you for your words Lucid Kazekuro, Kenzi and Dontask!

 

Thanks for the reply, hope you are well and that you are fighting strong! We as fellow foot fetishists are in this together!

Ah ok! I’d struggle ever worse in india I think, since I’m so fond if toerings! Good job doing NoFap in a country like that man! Kudos!

It’s always the feet, constantly. That won’t ever change, but as you say, it would be nice if it could revolve more around real women and not just on screens! Right now I struggle with keeping away from instagram. The most casual picture for someone ”normal” makes me want to relapse. If there’s a female foot in it, I can’t help myself and before I know it I’m browsing her page for more glimpses. But I usually realise what I’m doing and stop.

My urge to PMO has been HUGE the last few days. I saw a weather report on TV yestersay, and the woman doing it had heels on. Instant urge to google her, wikifeet her, instagram her and i got so horny just looking at her heels it was nuts. But I resisted the temptation!

My Girlfriend is very accepting of my fetish and enjoys it aswell. She likes having her feet licked and kissed. But I still have trouble enjoying real sex as much as I enjoy Porn and feet on the screen. I’m starting to realise more and more how absolutely fuck up that is. It’s crazy that I’ve had this addiction for so long without noticing it. I wonder what life would have been without PMO...

 

Good job on reaching day 24!

You are so right. For us theres ”porn” everywhere, even in the most innocent places. I’ll try your advice out and see if it works, thanks for the tip!

I’m on day 51 today. I’ve noticed a big difference today - I’ve actually been aroused by just seeing my GF barefoot in out apartment. Before I’ve liked it, but not like this. I’ve actually had an urge to have sex with her today. Before this, sex has sort of been something I’ve thought or are a chore, simply because I’m fucked up by PMO. But today I geniunly felt horny and wanted to have sex with my GF.

I’m seeing HUGE improvement!

Oh and btw, about the toe-rings. Thank god I’m not doing NoFap in India then!