My Book Of Life - Chapter 5

I've been reading your journal and I still have about ten pages to go, but what I've read so far resonates with me so strongly. It's crazy how so many of us SOs seem to struggle with the same kind of situations, but our lives are still so different...but still the same...

Thanks for your support

 

I HATE that me and SR are only in the beginning..
ugh...

 

Today I turned 35. I had a pretty gloomy birthday... I sang a song for myself and then Netflix and a tub of ice cream.

The separation has gotten easier now. I don't find myself feeling like it's the end of the world anymore.
In the evenings we have a brief discussion with SR about our everyday stuff like our schedules and finances and we also share our thoughts a little bit.
Today he told me that he's finally understood that I need a REAL change.
That I need him to truly GROW UP and not just come up with some kinds of tricks or ploys to pacify me when I'm not happy.

To me, this is a huge step in the right direction because he came up with that thought all by himself and of his own accord.
Maybe he's finally ready to WANT to change!! yay!!
That cheered me up a bit

 

As happy as it can be Thank you!

 

@Kenzi and @Broken3 Thanks, guys!

 

It feels like it's been forever since my last entry.
SR is visiting his family for the extended weekend and I'm home alone.
I'm relieved that I don't have to be there and pretend to be chipper in front of the inlaws.

Our separation didn't last even for a week because I couldn't take it. I felt heartbroken and simply couldn't get anything done. It was an extremely lonely and saddening experience for me. SR, on the other hand, seemed to be cool as a cucumber acting completely unaffected by the situation...almost happy.
In the end, I thought that there's no point torturing myself. Afterall, the separation was supposed to be an unpleasant consequence for him and not an additional cause for me to feel rejected and hurt.

Not standing my ground and caving in like that did have its repercussions...
He saw that he has the upper hand and it clearly made him believe that he can get away with acting whichever the way he wants.
He's been hot and cold, stonewalled, gaslighted, has had a horrible attitude, hasn't taken any responsibility for himself, MOd and started huge fights over minuscule things. In his eyes, everything that has ever happened has been my fault and no matter what I've done (or haven't done) it's never right.
He's gathered this insane hatred towards me and therefore he feels he's entitled to punish me eternally.
He becomes passive aggressive when I share my opinions and It's even worse if I criticise him in any way so we haven't been able to discuss our situation in a constructive way very much.


I'm not innocent either.
When he's started acting badly towards me I've eventually let my feelings of anger and fear take over me. I've stormed out several times, resorted to name calling, stubbornly held on to my own point of views and not heard him out, constantly cut him off, I've given him the silent treatment, I've physically pushed and shoved him if he's tried to come closer and once I slapped him on the face.
I feel ashamed for my actions. I've crossed my own boundaries by becoming violent After years of witnessing domestic violence in my childhood home, I promised myself that I will never ever start acting like my parents... But now I have, and I feel so sorry and embarrassed that I just want to bury myself under a rock and stay there for the rest of my life.

Now that I've crossed the line, I've made a new promise to myself under any circumstances NEVER to do it again. I've kept that promise and stopped the namecalling and shoving as well.
But facing his ever-changing attitude towards me... him being loving and kind in one moment, and the next showing nothing but contempt, disrespect, and animosity has left me feeling like I'm not in control of my own life or what happens to me anymore.
I know that violence usually comes from the feeling of being powerless in certain situations. That it's an attempt to take back control and feel safe again. Now when I'm not allowing myself to hit or push anyone else, I've noticed that I want to hurt myself. I'm in a lot of emotional pain and somehow causing myself physical pain that I CAN control comforts me.
I realize that the way I'm thinking is totally insane and that if I continue to hurt myself it might become a compulsion. I don't want that to happen and that's why I write about it... I should promise not to hurt myself either anymore... so yeah, I promise that too.

Being married to a PA is possibly the most painful thing I've ever experienced.
I know that no matter what I'm going to get through this.
There will be happiness in my future with or without him.

I've dismantled all the rules I've set for SR. There are no more set boundaries and consequences, no set restrictions or regulations.
If he decides to PMO, go right ahead! If he chooses to let himself have a bad attitude and won't work for a common goal, he's completely free to do so. I might cry or get angry, but if he feels his actions are worth it then there's no reason for him to change anything.

He insists that what he wants is to have a happy marriage with me.
He knows exactly what he has to do to have it.
This is not about lack of information. There's plenty.
This is not about lack of ability. Adults -even PAs- have the ability.
This is about making choices and accepting the outcome for those choices.

If he makes a choice to put himself on the line, try his hardest, let go of his pride, be proactive, and endure the short-term discomfort of doing all that, I'm more than happy to work things out with him.
If he makes a choice to continue not taking responsibility, giving me the cold shoulder, being evasive and passive aggressive and pushing me away, the unfortunate outcome is eventually a divorce.

He knows that money ties us together and he provides for me a lot, but he also knows that my 5y plan includes becoming financially independent. It goes without saying that if our marriage sucks this much after five years from now, there might not be enough love to hold us together.

My course of action, for now, is to just keep my side of the street clean. Be constructive, open, true to my feelings and let him know that I'm still 100% invested.
He's gonna do whatever it is that he's gonna do and that's it.

 

Thanks for the video @goodnice
@hope4healing Thanks for -once again- checking in.

So I'm back again. This summer has been both awful and awesome. We had a long summer vacation which started out very stormy between us.
We didn't do much else but fight during the first 4 weeks.

I've written before that I've stopped acting co-dependently and that I know I can't MAKE him act the way I want. I wrote that I shouldn't give a fuck about what he does and doesn't do. But It started to become very clear to me that I wasn't truly practicing what I preached.

I was still getting provoked when he would start his drama out of nowhere and allowed myself to be sucked in. Then feeling unloved and miserable afterward.
I was still trying to make him act in a certain way by inflicting consequences like the separation and cleaning duties for unwanted behavior.
I was still letting him gaslight or dump his garbage on me, telling him over and over again that it wasn't ok, but allowing it by starting a negotiation with him.

One day it just dawned on me.
What I was doing wasn't working, but I had still kept on doing it.
I had still been sacrificing all my energy and effort in "fixing" him and there was none left to reach my personal goals...
...I actually didn't have any personal goals... My only mission in life was to force a happy marriage with SR and kept thinking that once we're happy, everything else will just fall in place.
But I want to be more than a mere extension of my husband.
I want to leave my mark on this world. I want to give speeches in front of thousands. I want to write books that change lives. I want to be a role model!
So what the hell am I doing??!

I've been stuck for 30 years.
First twenty years I was a victim of my alcoholic, physically and verbally violent parents.
And for the last ten years, I've been a victim of my PA husband.
But being a victim is a choice. It's a mental state.

I refuse to be a victim anymore!
I'm going to get back in shape and lose some weight, hit the gym, go for jogs, eat healthy
I'm restarting high school (I dropped out 15 years ago) and work my ass off to get A:s in the finals (L:s in my country). After that apply to university and be in the 4,2% who get in and become a psychologist.
Get back in touch with all of my estranged friends and build the relationships anew.

I have made it clear to SR that...
...I will not take part in his man-drama anymore. He can be as dramatic and whiny as he wants, but that's my cue to take a long bath, catch up with a friend...etc.
...I will not think for him and solve his problems for him. I will support him, but if he chooses to become totally helpless and host himself a great big pity party, I will not rsvp.
...I will not tell him how to act anymore. I will share my feelings and thoughts on things, but he's a grown man, he can figure out how to act all on his own.
...I will not enforce any boundaries or rules anymore by inflicting deliberate consequences. He fucking knows me and he knows what makes me upset. And there's also such things called social norms and acceptable behavior towards others. If he chooses to be disrespectful, then he's an asshole. If he chooses to be an asshole, shame on him.

...I WILL form my opinion of him based on how good/bad he makes me feel in the long run. And eventually, evaluate if this marriage is worth staying for.
...I WILL work towards the things I want in my personal life and in our marriage for a satisfying and enjoyable life for both of us.
...I WILL become the best version of myself in every aspect no matter what life throws at me.
...I WILL put myself first for the first time in my life.

There's no room for any bullshit anymore. I'm done with that.

I've applied this new outlook on things for a while now and I feel like I've been liberated from some invisible shackles that have held me back for most of my life.
All this change created pretty bad conflicts with SR, and he's had a difficult time adapting, but for the last couple of weeks of our vacation was surprisingly harmonious and lovely.
I guess that when he stopped seeing me as some sort of authority or enemy, he relaxed.
And when he saw that I'm not a sad victim anymore and that I'm working hard towards my goals, he found new respect for me.

I'm starting my new studies tomorrow and I'm nervous but excited.
Yesterday SR unwillingly revealed that he's lapsed twice over the past two weeks of being back to work.
He made bad choices, decided to lie for two weeks, got caught, and refused to own up his mistakes.
That's on him.
That's his choice....to be an asshole.
What's it to me really? I have my own things to worry about.
I was annoyed and I expressed my opinion about his behavior in a constructive way.
Then I cried a bit after he fell asleep, because heck, I'm not made of stone.
But there's nothing more I have to (or can) do about this. So I know that there's no point mulling over it. It's his cross to bear.

Today he made a good choice to call me from work when he felt a strong urge to lapse again.
I'm glad he's realized that he actually can do so and that I will support him the best I can.

And I'm proud of myself for being able to not hold a grudge for his mistakes.
Shit happened.
there's nothing anyone can do to change that.
All that matters really is what happens next.
So let's move on and try to be better.

 

Song of the day.

 

@phuck-porn! thank you for the encouragement

 

Yesterday was my first day of school.
While I was walking towards the entrance I was really nervous and my heart was pounding so fast I felt it's gonna jump out of my chest.
There was no reason for my nervousness.
It was only a class after all. All I had to do is sit there and learn. Maybe answer a few questions. No big deal.

I guess a big chunk of the adrenaline circling in my system was there because SR had pestered me with his whining and excuses for the past three days and I had slept poorly for two nights in a row.
I was annoyed and tired and he couldn't understand why, since he read my last post here and gathered from that that I was ready to move on.
He completely missed the point...
...Or maybe he chose to miss it because it was convenient for him.
What happened to "try to be better"?

He figured that it was enough when he called from work and asked for my help when he was about to lapse.
I was understanding and he got some empathy from me so apparently, in his mind, that was enough to put the matter to rest. I can see why that was enough for him.
He had gotten what he needed from me by extorting me.
My choices were basically to show him empathy or let him lapse. nice.
But what did I get?
...ummmm... ?

I was expecting him to start some sort of intelligent conversation when he got home. I expected him to return my understanding and empathy.
At one point he playfully hugged me, started falling on the bed and pulled me with him. We laughed and then just looked at each other in the eyes for a while smiling.
It was a strange moment.
While we were lying there I thought that he's about to say something to start a conversation about everything that's been going on, but he never did.
Nothing really happened, smiles faded and turned into more serious looks and maybe a bit confused on my end. Then we got up. That's it.

As the evening progressed on it became clear that all he wanted to do is have fun. There was no chance that he was going to address the issues we still had, so for the sake of my own peace of mind, I did.
He was evasive, didn't really want to go too deep into things and once again he had a million excuses. He refused to see my point of view or consider my feelings.
I'm just so fed up with his bs. It makes me so annoyed and hurt.
His lapses were not even the main issue anymore at that point.
All the lying and covering... the selfishness and ignorance... His sheepish but still defiant demeanor... UGH!!!
I let him be and went to bed angry.

The next day was his day off, but my first day of school. He made the first move this time but still had the fucking nerve to continue with the same attitude.
At that point, I was fuming because I wished I could have been able to mentally prepare for my big day and be well rested... and have the best possible start.
He kept repeating things like " don't know what I should say to make it better, I just don't know how" and "I want things between us to be good, but I don't have the skills".
He was like a capsized beetle lying in a pool of his own filth waving its limbs to every which direction to get clear. Not having to turn around and smell the shit.
While he was making his statements I kept replying "OK".
I knew he was trying to make me take the responsibility of cleaning up his mess once again so his whining only made me colder.

After several hours of his "helplessness", he finally started to understand that the only way out is by facing the music and taking ownership of his acting out and horrible attitude.
After we made up, I had one hour left to relax a bit and charge my batteries before my first class...
Seems fair, three days of total fuckery and 1h to recuperate.

After I got home in the evening we watched Netflix and ate cheese and crackers. We talked a bit and went to bed.
Today I'm going to be busy with school and after that planning my friends birthday party. SR will probably be in bed when I get home.
He just left for a meeting with a client and seemed a bit odd to me. I immediately see in his body language if there's something going on...
Maybe he's thinking about MOing today while I'm away...
I don't know and it's not my job to ask.

 

SR just got home and told me he PMOd yesterday while I was away.

I really am trying my hardest to concentrate in school and not be sad about this.
It's hard.
I'm stressed out.

 

I am sad. I have to be.
But I won't let that stop me Thanks for the encouragement

What a great article! I'll show it to him.
He has to want to change for anything to happen. Not sure how he feels though. Seems to me that he's chosen addiction over recovery..