Do PA deserve to be cheated on?

PA's thoughts...

My mom always taught me 2 wrongs don't make a right. It's something I teach to my children.

I would be devastated if my SO cheated on me with someone else. There is no doubt my PA is cheating even if it was limited to videos(nothing live and no interacting with another person).

With that said I don't know that I could see myself ever moving past the fact that my wife was physically intimate with another person. I hope i never have to find out.

I know some people can get past this. If being able to forgive this makes you a better person then I guess I'm not one of those people. To each their own though.

 

I am taking a Forgiveness and Revenge class right now and I was talking about this actually.

I think revenge is hurtful to both, you know the saying, "double-edged sword" or "be prepared to dig two graves" ...it's true. Revenge isn't only hurting the person you seek revenge upon but hurting yourself as well. Why stoop to the other person's level? Be better than they are! Don't sink down and do the thing they did to you.

The best revenge as they say is living a great life and showing the other person how amazing you and your life are.

No One Deserves to be cheated on.

 

Neither side ever deserves to be cheated on. We have chosen to cheat as PA's and that has ruined things already. SO's cheating would do absolutely nothing but cause more pain and more problems. Revenge affairs are never a good idea.

Ideally, nobody cheats. That being said, I think it goes without saying that even if one party cheats, the other should never retaliate unless they aim to just do more damage to the relationship.

 

Only the one night after DDAY did I picture going to a bar in the city getting absolutely shit faced and cheating . At that point I wasn’t having rational thoughts, i in no way thought I was going to stay in this marriage. In no way did he DESERVE my loyalty of 20+ years that clearly went unappreciated in my mind . BUT I DID NOT ACT ON THAT URGE . That would’ve only made ME feel worse . Had I done that 18 months ago I wouldn’t be here with my boys . THAT I know for sure . SO no I don’t think anyone DESERVES to be cheated on . HOWEVER , I’ve always found it fascinating that most men that have “ cheated “ with either a PA or an extramarital affair sound so hypocritical when they say they couldn’t get over it / move past it but fully expect forgiveness and the spouse to “ get over it “ . I’ve never ever understood this

 

I could deal with my wife being a PA because I understand that. Being intimate with another person while in a relationship I don't understand. Isn't there some sort of difference or is that my PA talking?

 

What the PA deserves is irrelevant. Cheating is intrinsically evil.

 

I agree so much with this. My father is a SA/PA who suffers from textbook NPD, and my mom has gone through all the three stages now: Idolise, Devalue and Discard. He's out of our lives now, if not out of our minds, but he keeps coming back to gloat, and I don't know if this is the best wording, but he wants to be the 'tragic hero' of our story. He wants to know that the damage he has caused will last a lifetime, and he wants it to be the last laugh.

But we won't give him that pleasure. Yes, the damage he has caused may last a lifetime, but he is not important enough for my mom to curl up in a ball and just cry her life away. We have been living our lives, and I think that is what's hurting him the most.

My mom has the dignity and self-respect to be a faithful wife to an unfaithful husband. She would never cheat just to 'get back at' him, regardless of how much damage he has caused these past 17 years, how deserving he is of betrayal himself. And that just makes him look worse.

 

A lot of SO here and MANY PA here see it as close to the same . Our therapist considers it a form of infidelity, of being unfaithful. You’ve broken vows .
All that said , you said you could deal with her being having a PORN ADDICTION. Her being a PORN ADDICT , could you handle EVERYTHING that comes with it ?
Porn chosen over you sexually , emotionally , intimately for years ? Maybe decades ? Could you handle being lied to ? Could you handle finding out ? Could you handle keeping her dirty secret to yourself enough that it makes you feel physically ill . I highly doubt it . It is not easy , I can’t say a one night stand wouldn’t absolutely have destroyed me , but I know I wouldn’t worry about him being home alone , I know I wouldn’t have to have every device on parental control . My husband had 2 decades worth of self sex to images of THOUSANDS of woman . He is emotionally stunted , lost all empathy. Thank god 18 months after DDAY he has woken up to see the REAL damage it has done to me , us . And is making great progress .

 

I agree @Qnb42078 a one night stand would he easier.... cuz it's a One Night stand a one time error.... the simple way to heal from that is like if he was drunk simply have a boundary about not getting drunk and not going to bars alone.... PA leaves an indelible mark and Everything in life changes and can be a trigger.... it's no way to live....

 

Yup yup .

 

Ummm.... Let's see.... A porn addict is mentally with a image, giving "her" his sperm and intimate thoughts and being present with her INSTEAD of with being a actual person... Because for them(the PA) , they have this "trained displacement."
A SA uses a person as a total and complete object to complete a objective, to void emotion... While releasing.

Hmmmmm....

I think the real question is....
Should they (PA&SA) even be allowed to be married?
And how do we get this sort of thing able to be disclosed to all women or any women in the future?
Like "how many kids do you have?"
Why continue to fuel the mental illness epidemic?
Betrayal trauma and PTSD... They just "add on" broken relationships lead to divorce and neglect of children who watch parents struggle, whether it's intentional or not.
Asking if someone deserves to be cheated on... I think is the wrong question.
I think the better question is how do we change things so we can make a impact to create less PAs and SAs in the future.

 

Interesting. I guess women feel differently about this then. My wife told me she was glad I was looking at P rather than being involved with someone else because she wouldn't be able to handle that.

 

Well ya “ involved “ is different than a one night stand . If my husband was “ involved “ for ME there would be no going back / getting over it .i know that 100% . If it was once , I can’t guarantee I’d stay either . Everyone is different. Betrayed is betrayed though . It is never ok to lie and hide things from your spouse in any form that would impact the relationship. My husband knew it would but did it anyway . I may not have been “ cheated ON “ but I most definitely feel cheated out of an innocent pure marriage.

 

Well said

 

To add , MOST of the SO here have heard the “ atleast I didn’t cheat “ several times . Ofcourse IF he had , he would have been less likely to minimize MY pain because then he saw it different than cheating . PA , until out of brain fog , defensiveness , learns empathy doesn’t even come close to seeing PORN and MASTURBATION as harmful to themselves or the marriage . NOW he can see the difference in himself and sees the damage done .

 

As the wife of a PA, here is my opinion:

An addiction is when a person becomes dependent on a substance, thing, or activity. An addict compulsively rewards themselves with something despite the consequences; in this case, P/M/O. The addicts brain becomes addicted to the neurotransmitters released in the brain during arousal.

To me, a PA DOES physically cheat. P addiction isn't "just" mental infidelity. When you are a PA, your addiction is usually accompanied by physical acts (whether you agree or not). Anytime the PA was having sex w/ his SO, he was recalling the images of women/men during sex with their partner. The PA literally visualized & fantasized that their SO was someone else. Again, to me, that is physically cheating (he might has well have, right?)

P addictions take work & time. P addiction never goes away; it's something you & your partner will be working on for the rest of your lives. When a person has been a PA for a long time, they have put the time & effort that should have been spent in their marriage, into P instead. For the duration of your marriage, the PA has chosen to lie. My PA husband admitted to PMOing *at least* 2x a day, most days. We've been together for 10 years. This means, my husband chose to PMO to other women approximately 7,300 times in our relationship. This doesn't include all of the times he's fantasized about P during our "intimate" moments .

I feel revenge physical infidelity because you married a PA makes you no better than the addict; morals, ya know? However, I do think revenge infidelity would & should be easier to handle in the marriage. A physical affair (especially a 1 night stand), is a single event that could be summed up as a simple "mistake". It would be done, over, & the SO would be remorseful. The physical affair would be based on emotions only; it would hurt the marriage, for sure, but I think it would be easier to overcome vs PA....

 

I have never said "at least I didn't cheat" to my recollection but my memory is not the greatest. I can tell you I for sure don't think that.

 

I just don't understand how it should be easier for someone to get over their SO physically screwing someone. Not saying it isn't easier. I just don't get it...