Journal of My Story..... Thoughts | Feelings | Healing | Partners Recovery

So sitting here just thinking....my brains starting to do major overtime....this last D Day whatever it is now 2 months has opened up old wounds and painful memories.....not that they were ever gone but it's all starting to feel very very raw....I don't want to dwell in the past, there's been way too much of that over the years but I can't stop thinking at the moment. Thinking all the times I thought about leaving....imagining myself being in another life, a better life...and somehow creating that for myself.... Right now, feeling like I have so many times before, that he just drags me down....and the last D Day is yet another drag down....I am not a quarter of the person that I had the potential to be...I am an intelligent, attractive woman, still even after 3 kids and for my age and could have been so much better than this. I have been told so many times that after all I've been through I could do so much better than my husband, I have always taken care of myself, presented myself well and taken care of my body physically, I've never been overweight or anything like that where he hasn't cared so much and just let himself go in ways.... He is an attractive guy but has always hated physical fitness whereas I loved it and it was important to me to look and feel healthy. I have always been a well organised, highly motivated, high achieving, always wanting to work toward something, goal orientated and driven person. He has not been at all. He has always lacked goals, lacked direction, no motivation has to be pushed constantly in everything. He has always been hardworking in his job and has always provided financial stability but we are not wealthy by any means and have struggled financially most our lives. He has always placed so much more importance in his work than our marriage, our lives, our children our future, their future or pretty much anything other than his work. I have been told many times to maybe just get out and leave....not because he's a bad horrible person but because I'm destroying myself over him and he's not worth it....no-one is worth that. But it's hard, I've had insecurities and a myriad of reasons why I'm still here today...I have tried my hardest to give our 3 children everything I could possibly give them....everything that I never had as a child...a stable home environment and stable good schools (we moved from state to state and home to home when I was a kid (I went to 17 different schools and 14 primary schools alone and we were very poor), parents who love and care about them, a lovely clean home....and tried to support and provide for them and be there for them in the best way I know how. I know things have been far from perfect but they have at least had a better upbringing to this point than I ever got, I have seen and been through so much in my childhood, that I could right a book on it's own of it....I've seen my mother in intensive care fighting for her life after being pushed down a flight of stairs and splitting her head open like she'd been hit with an axe, thrown out of a moving car after her being knocked out and unconscious - to which I jumped out of the vehicle too and we both went rolling down the highway and bark off everywhere on us both.....and me wondering if she's dead because she wouldn't come too....in the outback in the middle of nowhere.....no-one or anything for 100's of miles....her head smashed over and over again into a concrete driveway.....bashed till she's black and blue and ribs broken and hospitalised....stood up in court for her 8 months pregnant as a witness.....I mean I could go on and on.....and I know what happened with us is bad but I am thankful that they have never seen and been through the childhood I experienced.... I moved away 4000 kms with my 2 year old and baby away from any immediate family because I didn't want my children to be subject to any of it because that was not the kind of life I wanted to be apart of anymore or for them to ever see.....This may sound odd but I am still very close to my family....and my mother has been my rock over the years over the phone so many times....I don't know how I would have survived some things without her....As much as I have tried over the years not to subject our children to the arguing, they have heard a lot of yelling and screaming and for that I feel truly horrible.....and they've heard things that I wish they never had. So many times after being stonewalled and hung out to dry and husband refusing to take it to a private location I've lost it and kids have heard, neighbours have heard and I believe on many occasion this has been his way to avoid confrontation, to keep in the main parts of the house....... I'm the only one who has seemed to care more about that....and yes I am so very much to blame too for just totally losing it, losing control.....and becoming so livid at him. He hasn't cared anywhere near as much about what they have heard or how that would affect their mental or emotional wellbeing....ohh and on the mental or emotional topic we have had a number of arguments because he's tried to tell me that mental or emotional abuse is nowhere near as bad as physical abuse but I beg to differ....I have seen and lived both not only as an adult but as a child, emotional and mental abuse is by far so much worse, physical injuries heal....but trauma never does.....not fully....so its all just fucked up and this whole porn addiction really for me has been like the straw that broke the camels back and I can't believe after another D Day things are so upside down yet again......feel so angry....i have balled and cried oceans at times but not for a few years....I don't even feel like crying I just feel hurt and angry and traumatised.....I didn't even cry the last D Day I was just disgusted and angry....I do love him and he has done so many thoughtful and caring things but yeah there's been a lot of the opposite too.....I don't know it's all so fucking confusing.........

 

You couldn't have said it better!! This is exactly what I get....he's such a victim himself FFS! I seen he was reading my journals last night and I said so is that better are you happy now...is that a better background for you. Him: No Me: Why not? Him: Not enough detail on your verbal abuse of me ....I was like urghhh not doing this right now, it's 11pm and I'm going to bed....

Good for you. Hang in there and keep focusing on yourself for now...I need to do the same everything's gone haywire since I've had to put my first consequence in place....I need a therapist in trauma I think but can't afford it. I'm doing a free CBT course but they don't deal with trauma or addicitons as such, just anxiety and depression. Figure it's got to help anyway....somethings better than nothing. Take care.

 

Awesome, will take a look....thanku

 

ok will do x

 

So yesterday went fairly well, there was a little bit of tension between us but mostly ok. We went about the usual things that we need to get done and later in the afternoon I asked if he would watch one of the Betrayal Trauma videos with me. He said he would and because we were pressed for time I just found the first one I could find which was one that @Kenzi had posted previously – Betrayal Trauma: Understanding and helping those affected by Geoff Steurer. We were only 10 mins in and interrupted because one of kids ended up finishing work early….but we got back to it and started it over again. It was a really great video and a few parts of it brought tears to my eyes because I could so relate to it. He seemed to get something out of it too which was good and said that he would try to watch more like these to get a better understanding of where I am at and that he hadn’t really looked at it from that point of view. He also said he knows he can be very pigheaded at times and really needs to understand me as well as work on his own recovery. I really liked the guy presenting it, Geoff Steurer and would like to watch more of his videos.

Didn’t get a lot of sleep so feeling a little tired today….thankfully it’s the weekend. About to do a 10 min meditation and then do the basics that need doing and just try and have a relaxing day with a bit of self-nurturing I think. I asked my husband a week ago to write out a basic plan of how he intends to approach his Recovery so I can have a look at it and that’s due today. I asked him about it a couple of nights ago which I probably shouldn’t have because it appeared he’d forgotten that it was due today and I asked again yesterday. I know I will have to step back from doing that. I guess it’s just so engrained in me to do so, to prompt or remind him and he has to learn to remember and do these things himself. Yesterday, he said he’d put something together so when he approaches me about it today we can go through that. He has been on NF everyday reading posts as well as reading a book on his kindle so that is positive.

 

Yes, I have said that to him too and I've read where others have talked about it. I wonder if there's any articles or videos on that specifically (the 3 recoveries) might have to check it out. He says he understands that but an article or something that reinforces it would be good i think....

 

This’ll probably just be a jumbled mess of writing but I don’t really care at the moment, just need to vent…..the past 24 hrs has been trying…..

• Trying to think about my recovery and focus on me, things I need to do
• Feeling so tired and exhausted, I can’t think straight
• Wanting to Journal & work on what I need but time keeps evading me
• Partner now denying that he even told me his voyeur related sexual fantasy, and that maybe it’s really just a situation of me gaslighting him – WTF? Changed his tune hours later when I bought it up again to, if he did he cant remember.....I'm sick to death of this on so many levels....so many things he denies or says can't remember to....even serious agreements we make!!!
• Getting to his medical appointment but feeling so anxious, tired and overwhelmed...I made it there and we got through that
• So much going on with the kids constantly and dealing with them
• Everything going through my head about us, our relationship and I end up in such a muddled mess I don’t even know where to start…..
• And the list goes on......

Trying to sort finances last night and got really frustrated and started losing it and venting that he’s not paying attention, he was trying to cook dinner and I understand that but the TV is going to and I’m trying to tell him something and his eyes are glued to some news event or something that he is trying to listen too. I always feel like I’m competing with the bloody TV or his phone games….and it annoys the shit out of me!!!

Last night and this morning feeling totally confused about sex whether to have sex or not have sex. Partner wants sex and has been on and off trying to pursue it with me for days but was actually honest last night that he’s just trying to sexualise/use me because he’s so horny and he feels bad about that. Says is not trying to pornify me or thinking of porn at all, only thinking of me, I want to believe that but so confused I don’t know what to think but I believe he is trying to be honest and am grateful for that but distrusting of everything at the same time because of all the years of betrayal. I feel so confused about it because I do and I don’t want it, I do want it because I enjoy sex too and feel I need a release myself but maybe that would be just using him too.

I feel guilty that he needs to come and don’t want him to feel like that and would like to make him feel better. Worried that he’ll be even more triggered to look at porn or masturbate if we don’t. I don’t want it because it upsets me that he can’t remember things or denies them that are so important to me that it has me beside myself and him denying/not remembering, whatever it is, just exasperates me even further. Don’t want it because without all the porn and masturbation he’s suffering PE to the max and so will probably only last 30 secs tops. I have been trying for months to be very supportive and patient with him and comfort him that it’s ok but yeah it’s difficult because I feel so under pressure at times to get there before he does which is not enjoyable. I don’t feel like foreplay, I’d rather have sex. Don’t have a problem with foreplay at all and we normally do a lot of foreplay or though he probably feels he never gets enough but if I did, at the moment, he’d be done so quick, sex would be out the window unless we wait but by then there’ll be some other interruption like kids, or things to get to or whatever. Feeling too tired for any of it anyway so what’s the point. I do feel I want to be close to him and be affectionate but I’m so confused with all my feelings I just want to be away from him at the same time.

I feel so overwhelmed and anxious I keep losing things and can’t remember what I was doing from one moment to the next, can’t seem to stay on task – have written a list. Feeling at times I’m spending way too much time on NoFap trying to read, do journal, watch relevant videos, respond to messages…etc…and I know this is all good for me but then feeling like I should be doing so many other things that need to be done as well and start getting stressed and don’t know where I’m at.

I’ve done a 10 minute meditation, had shower, put some relaxing music on. I need to eat but I’m not hungry. Will aim to remember to eat later. I’d like to do exercise but I’m going to focus on one thing at the moment and work on that for a while. Which is Gaslighting because I want to write a list of how I feel PA gaslights me. I’ve pulled examples from a number of articles and I want to put my own experiences of it in there too…I’ve been trying to get at it for days but with so much else going on constantly and lack of sleep and head spinning I’m still not very far with it. I then want to sit down and try and discuss it with PA before my 1 week boundary of separate sleeping arrangements is up which is only a couple of days away. Time just seems to be escaping constantly – can’t seem to keep up with it!!!!

So going to focus on that before kids get home from school and PA from work even though I’ve got work I need to do for a client and that keeps playing on my mind too. Plan is once PA gets home he is going to go through finances with me because the original arrangement is that he gets more involved in doing it with me once a week so he knows what’s going on and is in touch with it. Pretty much for the past 20 years it’s all just been lumped on me to deal with and he’s never wanted to be a part of it which causes so many problems because he doesn’t know what’s going on, why everything costs soo much, with food and school expenses, bills yada yada. Finally in the past 12 months he has been doing it with me and being a part of knowing what’s going on but it’s dropped off again and this will be the first time in about 2.1/2 months.

Actually, just feel like curling up in ball under my doona and trying to escape my brain but I know that won’t happen because it never stops….

Off to work on this GASLIGHTING!

 

Thank you so much for asking @Qnb42078 <3

I am going to try and get back on here shortly and keep up my journal and contribute in the posts/threads. Life's just got majorly hectic in the past 7-10 days....I mean it usually is anyway....but just even more so...on top of all the usual, issues with 2 out of the 3 kids....one of them (the eldest) MEGA stuff going on....won't even go to high school and going to school is not usually an issue, he just has a crisis of his own going on and is not coping and the other with anxiety/depression and changing high schools etc soon....

So I put the 7 day separate sleeping arrangement in place which has been fine but it has now turned into 10 nights today (which I've been fine with and I think he has too....he hasn't complained about it anyway, and we've mostly been on good terms) because there's been so much going on and I wanted to put together a document of how I feel gaslighted exactly - considering this was what the whole thing was about. I've been struggling to get it put together (I want it thorough) with kids and every other thing going on but I've completed it now. On top of that, he reckons I gaslight him!! , so I told him to put something together too which he has as well... so I'm hoping to sit down and discuss it all properly and hoping it doesn't turn into a big "shit fight"....from what I've read pretty much everyone at one time or another gaslights to a certain degree....and there are so many different types and examples of gaslighting. So I've gone through and tried to pick out what I think is relevant. The issue will be around "Severity of Gaslighting" I imagine in our case, so not sure how this discussion is going to all pan out, at all....I also have major issues with Passive Aggression with him and so I want to do up a document in much the same way I have with gaslighting but it's all just a time thing and everything seems to be competing for it as you would well know....

But thank you so much for thinking of me, that is very kind of you xx

 

It’s been a few days since I’ve written in my journal…much has happened….

Have just put some calming music on in my room to help relax me….

So…..

The night before last, I asked how much $ worth of vouchers he had in his wallet. He said $20. I said can you show me, where is your wallet, do you have it on you? He gave me a snarly look and slowly started taking his wallet out. Then he leaned back on the bench and slowly pulled the first one out, slowly unfolded it and said how much it was for. I said you don’t need to open each one up, just put them all on the bench, took the one he was holding and put it on the bench. Then he takes the next one out and slowly starts unfolding it. I said just put them all on the bench and took it from him. It wasn’t an aggressive grab at it at all, but I briskly took it from his hand and turned and put it on top of the other one to make a pile. As I was turning back to him (it all happened within a split second) He yelled, Right! And angrily pegged his wallet as hard as he could to the other side of the room and said I won’t fuckin show you then. Because I was standing within less than a foot to the side of him at first I didn’t know what he was doing (it all happened so quick) whether he was coming at me or throwing the wallet. He threw it right in my direction, I thought the wallet or his hand was going to hit me in the head but thankfully it didn’t, but it was close enough that the wallet skimmed the top of my head and his hand was within inches of my face. I jumped back because he got so aggressive over it and I didn’t know what he was going to do next. Then he yelled “I don’t know why you can’t just believe me or why you don’t trust me”

As I’ve written previously, every day he completes these online surveys and earns money. It’s not a lot by any means but over time it adds up and this is how he bought his last USB and hard drive that he’d secretly hid from me and had all his nude movies and porn on at work. 6-8 weeks ago, he was all very sorry and willing to do anything to deal with his porn addiction and to be more transparent with me about these survey accounts and the money he was redeeming. He agreed that I could ask him anytime about how much worth of vouchers / cards he had, and what they were being spent on and that I could look at anything anytime no questions asked.

(BTW, there was about $50 worth but he said he didn't think he had to include 2 cards because it was from something else) It all came about because about a week ago he bought me a $50 silver chain out of our bank account but planned on using his vouchers against the next lot of groceries to make up for it. I agreed that’s fine but just do it in one hit so I can see the $50 against the food bill on the receipt. Then I forgot all about it until Sunday night and when I looked at the grocery receipt there was no $50 taken off. He said, oh I’ve bought other bits and pieces we’ve needed during the week….food items etc and used the $50 up on that. Which I had no idea of….because I can’t see how he spends each and every card / voucher. This was the whole reason I said I wanted it in one hit $50 on the food bill not in dribs and drabs where I have no idea where it’s going…he said he’d do that. I just don’t understand why he can’t just do what he says he is going to do. It would make everything so much more simpler, so much more transparent. Words = Actions --> no confusion = no problems.

He knows I’ve got mega trust issues with him because he’s been lying to me our entire marriage. And how this bloody voucher / card thing has me distrusting too because it was what he was using to fund his hard drives etc secretly….and he knows all this and how I feel about it. He’s watched some things on betrayal trauma and read and says he understands how difficult it is for me to trust and that it is a work in progress…..but then yells at me “I don’t know why you can’t just believe me or why you don’t trust me”. Well – because…… the last D Day was only a couple of months ago….and over the years it’s lie after lie after lie….D Day after D Day after D Day….Why the f**k would I or should I trust anything at this very very early stage ???? Why would I think at this point in time that anything is going to be different than every other time ??? I am not setting myself up for another, yet again hammering and smashing of my emotions. I am so not in that place and not ready for that.

I’m already struggling to cope….

As for the Gaslighting situation…..we have been sleeping separately now for 12 nights (originally supposed to be 7) but as mentioned previously, I wanted to be able to sit down and discuss exactly how I felt he was gaslighting me and put together some thorough information on it….with everything going with issues with the kids and other stuff, I didn’t get it done in that time frame. And also because he reckons that I Gaslight him, I told him to put together something as well then, articles and examples of how I Gaslight him. I gave him mine to read on Saturday and he gave me his late Saturday night. Because he slept in really late on Sunday….hours later than what he normally would and I was up early I decided I would write responses to what I thought on his and gave it to him in the early afternoon and told him I wanted him to read both what I had already given him and also the responses I had written so that we could have a discussion about it later which he said he would. I seen him reading them and after that could see that he looked pissed off about the whole thing. We both went about the rest of the day and I spent a couple of hours gardening because it needed it so badly and I thought it would do me some good to get outside and do something grounding…..you know, being with nature…. He went about doing his own thing. About 6pm I was folding all the washing and organising school clothes etc and he was making dinner…..we still hadn’t discussed any of the Gaslighting and then the whole voucher / card thing unfolded as above. I was upset that he’d become aggressive and intimidating and said so, as if we haven’t got enough to friggen deal with and said that I just can’t believe that he’d even be yelling at me “Why can’t I believe or trust him” we both pretty much went our separate ways for the evening. Didn’t see him the next morning before work, he had already left. I rang him during the day to ask why there were another $70 worth of redeemed vouchers that he’d not mentioned to me 2 weeks ago when he’d redeemed them that day. Of course, he reckons he did, but I know he didn’t. He said when he gave me the chain, he told me he was going to use the vouchers he had. I just thought he meant the current vouchers he had not new ones……He just started laughing and said it’s all just ridiculous and hung up on me. I tried to ring back but he wouldn’t answer so I emailed instead. Then I just tried to get on with my day because I had other things that I really needed to be focussing on as well. I thought maybe he might try and talk to me reasonably when he got home. So when he got home, I got the usual hello….and then he left…..I thought I’ll give it 10 mins and see if he tries to come talk to me but No of course not. This is how it always goes for days weeks on end when there’s any problems…..I get a hello in the morning…..pretty much ignored all day because he’s at work…..a hello in the afternoon…..ignored all afternoon/evening and a hello in the morning again and a bye as he’s leaving and this cycle will go on and on for days/weeks….if I speak nicely he’ll be happy to speak about other stuff as long as it’s not anything to do with the elephant in the room…..So he was standing in the kitchen and I sat down at the kitchen table and said so we’re doing this again are we? Your just going to ignore me…..he said I’m not ignoring you, I just don’t want to talk to you. I said well, I think that’s pretty much the same thing isn’t it? I said it would be too much to expect you to come home and talk to me about what happened last night like a mature male adult wouldn’t it? He didn’t say anything but slowly walked over and sat down. So I said “Why did you have to get all aggressive last night just because I was asking you about the vouchers” He said, I didn’t get aggressive all I did was throw a wallet…. And then starts trying to blame me for being aggressive and that I’d ripped the wallet out of his hand. I said I didn’t touch your wallet. Well, you aggressively ripped the voucher off me. I said no I didn’t. I did briskly take it and add it to the pile because there was no need to be going as slow as you were and opening each one, one at a time like you were and I’d asked you to just put them all on the bench. So, he was just trying to blame it all on me. I said you were already angry before you’d even taken your wallet out of your pocket because you gave me a snarly angry glare then when I asked to see them. Then he started smirking and then laughing like it’s all a great f*+=kn joke and told me how ridiculous I am being once again…..I said so your just doing all your minimising, denying, blaming and mocking at me again then….and said well that’s it. You’re obviously not going to talk reasonably about any of this, you’re just going to be in denial like you were in denial about your porn addiction for so many years….you are in denial constantly about everything….and what you’re doing right now is all the Gaslighting that we still haven’t even been able to discuss and God only knows when that’ll happen because he’s in his ignore me mode unless I’m prepared to listen to all his denials and minimisation and accept all that. So that was it, I didn’t see him for pretty much the entire evening, just stayed in my room, tried to listen to some calming music, did a meditation and a few other things and eventually went to sleep. He did whatever, don’t know and slept in the loungeroom again..for the twelfth night…. This morning I was up at 4.30am because I’d fallen asleep so early….and thought well I’ll do a few things and spend the time writing this. Went out and made a coffee at 6am. He was up and said hello. I said hello back and that was it. I was waiting for him to say something more but he didn’t and eventually said I’m going for a walk and walked out the back door to put his shoes on. I followed him out and said so we’re still just doing this hello business then and then just ignore me. He said I don’t want to talk to you and I said so you’re just ignoring me then. Him: No, I’m not ignoring you, I just don’t want to talk to you and then walked off to find the dog lead. I said of course you don’t because all you want to do is deny and minimise everything and you know I won’t accept that so you would rather avoid all discussion because you can’t deal with it. Then he was gone. Didn’t talk to him for the rest of the morning, sat in bed writing this while he had a shower and then he said his Bye thing and walked out the front door. I said to myself, that’s right will just keep playing this hello / goodbye thing he likes to do every time there’s a problem……and that was that….I woke up at midnight and couldn’t stop thinking that this is my fkn shitty life again and going through all the same shit again….told myself to stop because I’d lay awake all night….stop usually doesn’t work but I actually did stop and fell back asleep which I’m so glad because I have a busy day ahead. Now off to get kids organised and get to some appointments I have this morning…..

P.S Well I see it kinda started out in paragraphs but turned into one big paragraph.......and I haven't time to edit it unfortunately.....that's just what happens when i'm pouring my thoughts out.....

 

Ohhh that's something else too. So he says to me this is what happens when I try and do something nice for you. Well, I was very appreciative of the necklace at the time. He had bought me a silver pendant about 9 months ago but I had no silver chain. So that was why he bought it and I was very thankful and gave him a hug and a kiss and said I was very pleased and I loved my pendant and chain. Now I feel like he's trying to make me feel guilty about all this. That he did something nice for me and now all this has happened. Quite frankly if I knew that all this was going to play out like this...then the chains not worth it....I don't mean that in a nasty way, I love the chain and the fact I can now wear my pendant and that he was being very thoughtful of me but I certainly don't want to feel guilty about the whole bloody thing because he can't be transparent and gets angry if I ask him about the vouchers etc....that he said he would have no problems with what so ever!!

 

Yes, vouchers used to buy hard drives, USB etc in the past that he never told me about. I didn't even know about the different survey accounts he had set up because they all went to his work email. As far as i know he's got 3. I know he has looked at other survey sites in the past weeks, not because he has told me, but I've seen it in the history. But yeah as far as I'm currently aware there's only those 3.

Don't know what the hesitancy is about, probably just purposely trying to piss me off for even asking him, or he thinks I'm being CONTROLLING by even asking him....and therefore I shouldn't be asking. He says he understands how I feel about everything but then this is what he does. His WORDS don't equal his ACTIONS....we have been doing daily check-ins up until Saturday night....I'm the one who pretty much initiates them EVERY TIME at this stage. Each daily check-in has gone pretty well and he has told me he is clean, no porn or porn subs and no masturbation and has tried to tell me what he's been feeling but very vague on whether he's having any thoughts or urges just says he can't remember really. Our last check-in was Saturday night, but it was very late and he was tired and so was I. But I still tried, I thought even if it's just a few minutes it's better than nothing....he was very dissociative and was not interested at all but said that everything was fine and he hasn't done anything and that was the conversation over and done with. So I asked him to at least print me what he had done up on the Gaslighting which he did and I went to bed. Because of everything that's happened he's not even talking to me now. Has made no attempt to have a meaningful conversation since Saturday night, so no daily check-ins since, no communication at all basically, he's not tried to talk to me about anything. I really don't see what I've done that's so bloody wrong other than question him about the vouchers and he probably didn't like my responses to the Gaslighting that he reckons I do because I really didn't agree with most of it. But again, there's been no discussion on anything because he just doesn't want to talk. I don't think he's done anything much toward his recovery work in the past 4 days either, I could be wrong but I haven't seen anything, and I highly doubt it the way he's been acting. I've yelled and screamed a bit tonight at him. I know I shouldn't but I'm just so angry that he just doesn't seem to give TWO FUCKS about me. And yes I am going to do the free courses on BLOOM....I've just spent every spare minute I've had in the past week trying to really get a good grasp myself of all the ways I believe he is gaslighting me....and put it all together. He's got it too....but it was really just as much for MY BENEFIT because I'm sick of him telling me I'm the crazy one!!! Right now, I feel like everything is hopeless and has just totally gone down the shit hole. He is not behaving in any sincere or genuine kind of way, not toward me, not toward our relationship and not toward anything.....

Exactly!!!

I look at the words you wrote and think.....

"Kind [Open Honest] Loving Husband"

It would seem that he thinks all he has to be is a Kind Loving Husband. That the Open Honest part was never a requirement. And as long as he doesn't have to deal with any problems be it, relationship problems, financial problems, life problems, family/children problems etc...and there's nothing much else to deal with outside of work....then that's how he likes it....and of course not have to share himself in any meaningful kind of way either, then life is hunky dory for him.....and he behaves in a kind and loving way. Soon as there are problems, anything that he needs to step up to, anything that he doesn't want to have to deal with, he shies away - pretends it's not happening, I react - then the shit hits the fan --> Kind & Loving goes out the window.....so then what am I left with....not much. But I'm supposed to be happy, grateful & fulfilled with that!

 

So last night I decided, since we haven't been doing daily check-ins since Saturday, I would just flat out ask him "Are you no PMO" . And it was that direct, not yelling but just upfront and very direct. His first reaction was to laugh, then said "I'm not talking about it like this" I said "Like what" "It's a simple question and it requires a simple yes, no answer" I said "Are you no PMO" he paused and then said No. " I masturbated today" I was already feeling angry and upset over everything else prior the last 48 hours and didn't really respond much other than an emotionless " Right, ok " He then said " But I haven't looked at any porn" Although I was feeling angry about everything else, I thought to myself well at least he has been honest about that. I went up to my room for a minute to breathe and then came back and said " so is this the first time you've masturbated in the last whatever it is days" (couldn't remember) but it's 65 days. He said "Yes" I said "honestly.... just be honest about it" He said "Yes honestly" I said "Well, my gut tells me that you're not being honest" and that is what I felt when he looked at me in the eyes and said "Yes honestly". I may be wrong, and it may just be all the years of lies....but this is what it does to a person. Either way, I was glad that he'd been honest, not happy that he'd slipped by any means but at least he was honest.

About 15 minutes later, he came up in to our room and said about picking our daughter up and I said Ok, and that I don't want to discuss anything further really until I get a reasonable discussion from him about what's happened over the past 48 hours without all the minimisation without all the denials and bullshit and shows me some sincerity, shows me that he is being genuine and is actually genuinely sorry and really in this "recovery" and "healing this relationship" 200%. About 40 mins after he'd got back and I'd just been in my room the whole time and he was on the lounge reading I said, I have been thinking, when were you actually planning on telling me this, the only reason you've told me tonight is because I flat out asked you. You have not tried to setup any kind of environment or made any attempt to resolve anything in the last 48hrs so what were the chances you were going to tell me that tonight....not likely....and then you'd go to work tmrw by the time your home again your 24hr boundary would have been up. So, lets be honest about that, you had no intention of telling me that tonight....otherwise your whole behaviour and approach would have been different this afternoon and tonight. He said I don't know, I did intend telling you. I said but it wouldn't have been tonight? He said "I don't know, maybe not"

I got angry again and really vented at him. Not for the masturbation but just for everything. I repeated to him as I had repeated hours before. I'm not feeling any sincerity or genuineness coming from you....and there's no way I can do this again....I have had this again and again scenario way tooooo many times....I can't do it....and I won't do it. If you can't be genuine and you can't be sincere then there's the door....your free to walk out it right now...do me a favour, do everyone a favour and just go. I am not going to have you fucking around with my life anymore....I can't fuckin do it.... it's too much so you can just leave if that's how it's going to be. As it stands , I know your trying to do some recovery work , but I'm not feeling that there's any real solidarity there yet either , at this point all I know is , you'll probably do the bare minimum like every other time and that's not going to cut it.

Left it at that , he just sat there and said nothing and kept staring at his kindle the entire time and I had to just get out of the same room as him and went back to my bedroom and tried to calm down so I could get some sleep....