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Is My life over?

Discussion in 'Compulsive Sexual Behavior' started by fools’end, Sep 20, 2018.

  1. fools’end

    fools’end Fapstronaut

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    Hey
    Just feeling the need to write some stuff of my chest.
    In the end of June I made the mistake of sleeping with a transsexual escort. This after a long time Of watching transwoman porn. Since then I have been struggling so bad. I even started seeing a therapist but have yet to improve. I really feel like my life is over. All I think about everyday is wanting to go back in time. I have lost hope for the future and I know this is a symptom of depression that might not be rational. I have stopped working out, lost 15 pounds that I had recently gained in the gym. I can never be in the moment I always think about this to the point of mental torture. Is there anyone who has had a similar experience? Will I ever get over this?
    I just wish I would have never watched transwoman porn that first time maybe 2 years ago. To anyone out there that wants to try sleeping with a transwoman, please don’t risk your mental health for a fetish.
    One question, I am seriously considering telling my mom because she can obviously tell I am not myself but it feels so hard to tell her the truth but equally hard to keep her in the dark and make her feel as if I don’t want to share my feelings with her... do you guys think telling her and getting that forgiveness and support which I know she would give me could help? I am afraid that if I tell her it can make me feel worse as now she will always know that about me.
    Ps. Sorry for the blurry writing I could go on for hours but I tried keeping it a bit concentrated to the main issues with this mistake.
     
    PotentLife likes this.
  2. Mezach

    Mezach Fapstronaut

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    Keep seeing that therapist, and if you believe your mother would help then definitely tell her. Good luck!

    Also, I don't know how you are with masturbation and porn but sounds like you need some sort of reset.
     
  3. fools’end

    fools’end Fapstronaut

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    Thanks, my PMO use was once a day usually before bed or after the gym, so that was never a problem, I never experience ED or DE.
    After this experience I have experienced mayor ED tho... probably another symptom of depression...
     
  4. GA93JDeereboy

    GA93JDeereboy Fapstronaut

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    I'm not sure about telling your Mom. That could hurt her. Therapist I would say is good. Stay on NoFap whenever you feel bad.
    You can go on in life. That is a bad mistake but that doesn't mean your life is over. You CAN beat this. Maybe this horrible feeling will keep you away from it for good. But stop PMO, don't see the escort. Move on. I never had the trans issue, only escorts, that life is behind me.
    You can put this behind you too like I did!
     
  5. Don't tell your mother. Ever.
    Don't repeat that mistake. Ever.
    Your life is not over.
    You know now where PMO will take you, so you should have every reason to avoid it from here on in.
    Your life is waiting for you - PMO has taken you away from it. You need to leave PMO and return to the good life you were living before PMO.
     
  6. fools’end

    fools’end Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for the advice, i think you are right about not telling My mother.
    Just feels as i cant be the same person. My confidence has gone from high to nearly non existent. What really scares me is the feeling i Will never get it back the way it was and If so i have seriously impacted My whole life..
     
  7. Have you ever read about sailors in times gone by who were ship-wrecked on a desert island? Years after the shipwreck another ship would come looking for them and sometimes find that the shipwrecked sailor had fallen in with an island tribe. They wore islander clothing, spoke the islander language, took part in islander rituals and religion, and might even have married into and had a family with an islander. Such people were described as having 'gone native'. Really, they had become acclimatized to a 'new normal'. Back in, for example, London or Amsterdam, such men would never even think about grass skirts, distant languages, tribal gods or strange rituals, but living in a world where this was the norm, they went along with it. Not only was there nobody to disapprove of grass skirts etc., it was encouraged. It was the thing to do.
    Well - I think a lot of guys on NoFap with issues regarding strange or aberrant 'tastes' are simply people who have 'gone native' in the world of PMO. Without the internet, it would not occur to these guys to do ANY of these strange things. Were it not for the virtual reality of the PMO internet luring them into a false sense of a 'new normal' they would not have gone off the rails. If you are online, viewing and chatting about whatever lunacy, then you are fooling yourself into thinking that this is the thing to do. Such an online 'community' is like the desert islanders - a people you would normally never dream of speaking to, but thanks to being shipwrecked on the island that is the PMO internet, you 'go native' in their company. And so you are lured into thinking that what was once obscene is now OK; that what was once revolting is now 'who you are'; that what would once have turned your stomach now 'turns you on'.
    You have been tricked by this 'new normal' into accepting the unacceptable and thinking the unthinkable. In other words, you have become a victim of circumstance. You put yourself in danger, and danger took you.
    Now, like the old sailors, there is a way out: Leave The Island.
    You leave it by never PMOing again, and there are many here who are doing that, and will encourage you to do that too.
    You were not born for this misery, so do not accept it. Get off the island, get on the rescue ship, and get back home.
     
    parad0x, Cad123, SlaveMarkson and 6 others like this.
  8. Tell her! Assuming she's a nice lady she will help you. Or get a grip on your problems yourself.
    You have started the process of bettering yourself and it will be often difficult.
    Well done, and drop this 'Is my life over?' stuff. You don't need it amigo.
    Your life is just beginning.
     
  9. Own up to your mistake. You gave in to a fetish, and ended up having an encounter with a weirdo.

    Assuming you came out with no diseases, admit to yourself you made a mistake, and learn from that encounter.

    Failure is the only way people learn anything and make progress.
     
  10. Don't tell your mom.

    Don't PMO. The desire for TS will end some point after you stop PMO.

    With time, this memory will fade into the past.

    You're 22 - your life is just starting !
     
    SirErnest likes this.
  11. There seems to be a lot of mixed opinions here, so at the risk of just stirring up the pot even more, I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that I think it's a great idea to tell your mom. Addiction thrives on secrecy. The more we can be transparent to the people who love us, the more accountability we have and the less we live in fear, shame, and isolation. Addiction loves fear, shame, and isolation. Absolutely loves it. So make your own decision, but if this continues to be a problem, I would seriously consider being open with your mom. It sounds like you guys have a good relationship, and having her support could be tremendously powerful and transformative. In any case, good luck, brother. Peace and love.
     
  12. Agreed.
    Agreed. This is what therapy and/or counseling and/or 12-step groups are for. Or Confession, for those in religions that have it.
    Agreed.
    I don't know the first thing about the OP or his Mom, but thinking about most guys and most Moms, in general, I would disagree. Most likely, his Mom will take at least part of it poorly. Maybe very poorly!

    The theory is that he's going to discuss with her: 1) that he watches and jerks off to porn; 2) that he does those things to transwoman porn - and he may have to explain what transwoman porn is; 3) that he had sex with a prostitute; 4) that it was a transwoman prostitute;.

    Maybe he leaves out the first 2 points. Whatever.

    What's been said cannot be unsaid. What is known cannot be unknown.

    There are far too many places for his Mom to just totally freak out and maybe even say stuff that will be hurtful - and even if she later realizes that she didn't really want to hurt him, again what's been said cannot be unsaid.

    It will do him good to talk to somebody about it - but it should be somebody with a bit more detachment than his Mom!
     
    Healed! likes this.
  13. Separately: OP, do you think you are the only young, horny guy that did something he later regretted? No way!

    Tons of guys have done stuff "worse" than what you did. This shit happens. Then you go on and live your life and you don't do it again. And the best way to ensure that you don't do it again is to do NoFap. So you are in the right place.
     
  14. Sure, I hear you, man. You make a strong point. To me, the fact that @fools’end is even considering telling his mom makes me think they must have a pretty strong relationship. I mean, can you imagine? That's a hell of a lot of vulnerability to put yourself through. I've also read a couple posts here on these forums where folks come out to their immediate families and they just get a whole lot of support and encouragement and it helps them. I've seen it. It happens. So, I don't know, if that's what it takes, I say go for it. But no, I have no idea how his mom's gonna react. You're totally right, it could be a mixed bag.
     
    Jennica, SlaveMarkson and Immature like this.
  15. l33r0berts

    l33r0berts Fapstronaut

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    Dude, 2 years is a hell of a long time to beat yourself up over something like this. Start talking to a therapist as son as you can. Bottling this up doesn't help as the thoughts will only chase themselves around your head. Unless shes very understanding I wouldn't tell your mum until you've sorted your head out first. I recently went through something similar which I regret but I've learned to realize we cant change the past. No one i sperfect, we make mistakes that seem logical at the time and then have to pick up the pieces after when we come back down to earth. Personally I chalked mine up to one of my typical fuck ups, learnt from it and moved forwards, doing better next time. It doesnt mean the memory of it goes away, its always there at the back of my brain, like a distant conversation in a crowded room, but with time that voice gets quieter and less significant. You will get through through this but really, go see a therapist and get it out of your system, otherwise it sits there like poison.
     
    Immature likes this.
  16. HelplessPleaseHelp?

    HelplessPleaseHelp? Fapstronaut

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    Hey man, I would say open up with your mom if you feel that you can't keep going an live without telling her.
    I told my mom in the past about thoughts that I had about disturbing stuffs and it was pretty hard.
    At the end, after I told her I felt a relief.
    It is your call at the end but I think that definately it is wise to share it with someone because this shit can harrass you from the inside.
    From your post I can feel that you are a strong person. Don't give up on the will to want to develop.
    I think that you should use the pain of this experience as something that will help you to develop yourself.
    Yes, pain is a shit, but the good thing about it is that it can help us to improve ourselves because we never want to repeat the experience that caused us pain ever again.
     
    fools’end likes this.
  17. fools’end

    fools’end Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for all the advice. Really appreciate it. You are right in what you type but the main issue now is that i have been diagnosed with depression, but seeing as How it is self caused by me makes me think some
    Of the Classic ”get over depression” techniques just wont work for me... I have missed school, missed opportunities with girls, feeling certain relationships go by the wayside because of my depression. And to know that it is self caused means I have even less sympathy for myself than if it were situational depression, if that makes any sense? All this for one stupid mistake that I just can’t accept and all the repurcussions from It just makes it harder.
     
  18. A346

    A346 Fapstronaut

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    Hey man. Sorry to hear about your situation. Have you or your therapist considered PSTD? If it something that causes you trauma when you think about it and doesn’t easily go away then it’s a possibility.

    In terms of telling your mum, only you can make that decision. I was faced with something similar and I ended up speaking to my manager. He has children and told me that as a parent, all you want to do is help your children no matter what. Love is unconditional. Even if you don’t receive the reaction you want initially, she will love you no matter what. But as I said, listen to opinions but it’s YOUR choice. It’s just tough as unless you know about pmo and it’s crazy world, people aren’t as understanding!

    Meditation is brilliant for dealing with unwanted thoughts. We can’t stop the thoughts but we can learn how to deal with them. Then when they come again, you know they’ll pass in time. There’s an app called Headspace which I would 1 million percent recommend. A CBT therapist will also specialize in different thinking methods which can change the cognitive patterns in your brain.

    And finally, don’t ever compare yourself to others and think you are strange/odd/different for this experience because EVERYONE walking this earth has skeletons in their closet. You just don’t hear about them! Why are we all on here for a start .

    Good luck, be kind to yourself and I’m here if you need to chat. Dm’s Open!
     
    fools’end likes this.
  19. fools’end

    fools’end Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for the kind words, i have been thinking If PTSD is the case since i was moderator Happy and full of energy just before this night, i constantly imagine Every single detail that could have steered me away from this experience, must have gone over that night 1000 Times atleast just trying to imagine How good life would be right now If i Had not Done that. This is really what makes me feel so bad as i dont feel this is normal depression that Can easily be fixed through Talking with My therapist or even medication. I just cant let go off the fact that My life took a Huge Turn for the worst. I always compare i.e ”If that did not happen then today i would of trained, cleaned the house, gone out to meet a friend etcc” It is really Messing with My head...
     
  20. litew8

    litew8 Fapstronaut

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    Buddy there is nothing wrong with you, millions of men go to Asia every year to explore their sexual curiosity, you are young and still finding out about yourself so dont punish yourself, you now know that this isnt for you else you would not feel so guilty. Trying that once is not a crime nor does it mean you are homosexual\bisexual or what ever. Your problem is with your Voyeurism and fantasizing, whilst its normal for a man to do both when it becomes obsessive and secretive this is going to create a problem.

    Its brilliant you had the guts to come on here and post it, many wouldnt as others have said your already on the path recovery by being here and talking about it. With regards to your mother, i personally would not say because it would not change anything and you would likely get labelled, dealing with this is enough for now maybe later when the dust has settled you can open up and talk about (in the past tense as previous experience) Be strong and ride this out you will be fine.
     
    Immature likes this.

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