Early Childhood Sexual Experience. Beginning My NoFap Journey

Hey guys, my names John. I'm 20, and I've masterbated since I was 10. I had my first sexual experience when I was 4 or 5. I was jumping on the tramp with a girl who was 3 or 4. She was my moms friends daughter. Our moms would babysit us. So, we were on the tramp, and my sister who has since passed from a drug overdose told us to follow her to the side of the house. We followed her, and went to the side of the house. Now, this is where my memory of it gets fuzzy because it was so long ago. But, my sister coerced us into taking our clothes off. This was the first time I saw a naked person before, specifically a female. I remember really liking it. I got some sort of rush. My sister told us to put our clothes back on and follow her to the bathroom in the house. I'm pretty sure my parents were gone at the time, or none of this shit would have happened. We make it in the bathroom, undressed again, and we started to touch each-others private parts, and lick them. Basically this was the first time I was turned on. I liked it a lot and the next time she came over I tried to have us get naked in the bath tub, but my sister who got us to do it in the first place caught me trying to get the girl in the bathtub and started to mock me, make fun of me for what I was trying to do. I felt a lot of shame, and angry. I think this whole experience really fucked with me. Since then, I've always been super shy around girls, when I started masterbating, I became obsessed with cougars. I've never had a girlfriend, never gotten laid, never anything with a girl. I am a really sensitive guy, I have zero self-esteem, no confidence, I feel like a pathetic loser, and have trouble expressing how I feel, probably because I'm just so numb and scared of everything/everyone. I've had many crushes on girls my age but been too scared to really tell a girl how I truly feel. Today I signed up for the 30 day NoFap challenge on here, and so today marks my first day trying to reach a specific number. I've done NoFap before, but I didn't have a goal to reach a certain day. I want to do NoFap cause I think it will bring out all the feeling of shame, anxiety, and fear I have repressed, and emotionally heal. At least that what I hope will happen. Along with healing from all the negative emotions, I want to feel confident in myself. What do you guys think about my situation? Will masturbation heal me from my trauma/problems? If you guys have any questions or words of wisdom please let me know. Thanks!

 

Hey Delirious, thank you very much for the reply, I really appreciate it. I'm excited to start my NoFap journey. I have a counselor that I see every other week, he's a good counselor, but I still have problems telling him everything. Good luck to you and thanks for your time!

 

What do you mean?

 

Alright guys. I thought I would add a little bit more about myself. My sexual triggers are anxiety, depression, boredom, and insomnia, also older woman I find attractive. I hate to say it, but I USED TO fantasize about my sister, grandma, all my aunts, my step mom, even my mom once during MO. These feelings surface every once and a while, but not daily like they used to. now when I MO I fantasize about a married woman at my work, or a random girl my mind made up. Part of my problem is that whenever I start to get to know a woman, become friends, I get sexual feelings for her. I also started a NoFap streak yesterday, but as I was falling asleep, when I was in the half awake, half asleep state, I got really horny and MO'd. Today I'm really irritated and disappointed over what happened. When I'm really tired and horny, I don't think about what I'm doing, I just act on the urge, So I've got to work on being aware when this is happening and controlling the urge. It's hard though, because PMO and MO used to be my way of getting ready for sleep.