Gaining more everyday! My Journal

Hello everyone, I have been on here for over a month now and have been reading posts, journals etc.. going to links for articles posted and watching videos. I have found a few people on here I can relate to and have been reading their posts which has inspired me.

I now know I am not alone and like a lot on here have been given way too many chances as I have lied and PMO'd even after promising to never do it again. Way too many DDays. I did not understand the betrayal trauma I had created and thought my wife was just crazy, she was, because of ME! I have after reading other SO's posts and journals started to realise what damage I have done.

My wife to me is an angel for the shit I have put her through. To me she is the most beautiful, intelligent, caring, sexy and supportive person especially considering all I have put her through. I knew all along that she was the only one I wanted, I did not actually desire sex with anyone else but still I PMO'd. I should have learned this a lot earlier and should have seen the pain and trauma I was causing. She tried and tried to get me to be more open and communicate with her more as she knew something was wrong. I thought I was doing ok as I worked and supported our family, helped out and had sex with her, what else could she want! What a bloody idiot I was. Here was a beautiful soul who was willing to share her life with me and I would rather look at a screen and M to it. I now can not believe what I did but am trying to make up for it by NEVER looking at P or M again and by being there for her.

So from here on out I am being honest with her, talking to her daily, have been writing my daily intentions post and have been doing around 4 - 6 hours a week on working on recovery. This is just a start as I work on making these into habits. I have been wanting to write a journal, I did start but failed earlier on. SO from now on I want to write a journal everyday on how I am going and what I am doing to recover.

I am currently over 60 days P free, my counter I reset as I M'd due to fighting with wife and us not having sex so I succumbed when the pressure got to much. She knew straight away and I honestly owned up, trying to justify as we were not having sex, what a cop out. We discussed this and I learned that this is not acceptable and since then have not had any issues, I have had some urges and thoughts but luckily not too bad. I am hoping with the support of the Nofap community and my wife I can become PM free.

 

Thanks @TryingToHeal I have made that commitment and no matter what I have to do this for her sake and my recovery, NO MORE LIES. I have read your posts and journal and other SO's journals and can now understand that it is not her it is and has always been me! I feel so bad for all the things I have done and all the lies and deceit, this is the least I can do now to try to make her feel better and help her heal. I am so sorry we PA's have caused all you SO's so much trauma and we are all blessed that you are all on here helping everyone with your experience and advice, it is very much appreciated. I don't know where I would be if she didnt keep helping me and giving me more chances (which I didnt deserve) and without Nofap, possibly not still here with my beautiful wife. I am so glad now I finally got it, and thanks to @GhostWriter who helped my wife when she first came on here. He helped her put together a list of must do's which were very hard to start with but now I appreciate it and all the others that have helped her.

 

Thanks @Freddiefox Yes have only been on here a few months but have learnt so much in that time, and continue to every day. I have seen your posts and helpful encouragement, thanks from everyone, I am very grateful to all the people who give themselves and time to help each other out. It is great to see when we see so much negativity everyday on the news that people are willing to put their time and effort into helping complete strangers. You are all wonderful, caring people and I am so glad to be apart of this community.

 

Today was a good day even if it was raining most of it. Got up early and did my exercise, have started 4 weeks ago, just 30 - 40 mins a day so far and some days just walking the dog in the bush so up and down some hills. I posted on Nofap my intention post, have done this everyday for over a month now so is a habit.

I am on holidays, we were going to go camping but changed it to December as my eldest has his HSC exams in just over a week, so we thought it best to go after this. I decided to still have the time off just to get a rest. I did some reading on here then had to take daughter to do safe driving course. Came back and we watched some shows together and just relaxed in bed. I then had to pick my daughter up. When I got back my wife had to go see a client for her work so I decided to make a cake. I do most of the cooking and really enjoy it so it was a good way of filling in some time. I ended up making a chocolate cake with chocolate ganache and topped it with chocolate curls. As I say you can never have too much chocolate, this is a big weakness for me and possibly why I need to exercise more. It turned out so good my youngest thought I had bought it!

We had some time together when she got back and watched some more shows and cuddled, it is good to not have time constraints and to be able to just relax, life is usually so busy. I talked to my wife later on as she had a new set of boundaries and consequences that she has made up. I read and agreed to them, I am willing to do anything and there was nothing there that I am not committed to doing anyway so was all good. I discussed my day and what I had read, and what I wanted to do. We also discussed a schedule I have been working on. As I am still new to a lot of this I am still learning and have so much to do that it is difficult to say what I will be doing on certain day as yet. I am half way through your brain on porn so want to finish that. I also have read in posts about a video series Helping her heal, I want to get a copy of this and watch as everyone has only said good things about it. I also want to concentrate on her betrayal trauma as I have not really understood what i had done to her by hiding, lying and deceiving her about my addiction. We discussed some triggers and my wife being concerned with actresses as I had in my addiction looked up many different ones. When I thought about it I would just see an article or something in the news regarding them and then go looking for nudes or slips or anything, it was not for the actual person more to just see something. As I was at work actual P was not easy and if caught could not be explained away as easy as looking at google images, or youtube or vimeo which are all normal sites but do have a lot of P on them. This is also very concerning that it is also very easy for anyone, like kids to see as there is usually no age restrictions and usually without having to actually search using any P related words either.

It is late now and have some shows to watch with wife and some cake to eat!

 

Yes she is, she found this site and told me about it. She is gaining a lot of support from here, which is why I also looked at it and then joined. It has been the posts and journals on here that made me really realise I had a problem and needed to sort my shit out.

 

I missed writing in here last night, we were watching a show and I feel asleep. As soon as I woke up I realised I had not had my daily check in or written in here so I immediately apologised to my wife and said I will do it straight way. So I have been honest with my wife today and did not have any urges or thoughts. a

Today started with 40 min walk then I wrote my daily intention and did some reading and watched some videos on here. We then had a shower and went out for brunch near the lake. It was really nice to go and eat out with my wife, we haven't done this much, mainly due to funds being very tight. Got home and started to watch some shows. I then took my daughter into town for a job interview at a large clothing company, there was a lot of people going for multiple jobs so it was going to take a while. I dropped here out the front then went and parked to wait for her to finish. I played a game on my phone and while playing my accountability software program said it had shut down. I was really annoyed as this happened a few weeks ago on my computer and rightly so as I have lied in the past my wife though I had done something to it to turn it off. I should have rang and told her but instead as I was so pissed off I sent the software provider a note back saying to get there software working properly as this causes issues with our relationship, I was so mad. Anyway got over it quickly as my daughter had just text to say she wouldn't be much longer. Then about 10 mins later she text saying she got a job so was very good news. Eventually we got home but had to go straight out again as the car need fuel and I need to get cash out for the youngest to go to the movies, and I forgot my wallet. So over 3 hours of my day gone but I don't mind as the kids are great and I am on holidays so it is much better than working. After a big meal through the day and the youngest not here I did not feel like cooking, ended up just making some toasted sandwiches and then watched some shows with my wife.

She put this new one on and we were watching, it was quite violent and was a little unusual, my wife ended up snoozing then a sex scene came on, she would normally check before watching anything to make sure but as she was asleep I though it would be minor and over quickly without nudity. It wasn't, and so I averted my eyes as soon as I realised, I normally now do this when I think there would be nudity or trigger issues. This scene went on for quite a while and I was very uncomfortable as it kept going and I know my wife would watch it later to catch up and I am now feeling guilty even though not watching. It eventually passed and I started to watch again, I am not sure exactly what happened but the audio was bad enough. Anyway I did not have any thoughts about it nor got excited. I spoke to my wife about it when she woke and said I thought she would have checked before putting this on. She was surprised she hadn't and had said I should have skipped forward. I said I would need to look at the screen to do this as it was streamed on the computer so no remote to FF. I also did not know how long it went for so now thinking about it I could have just been skipping into the scene further. Imagine if she awoke and here I am skipping around into a sex scene, I know I would not be believed due to all the previous lies so the problems this could have caused is huge. Anyway all good and I don't think we will be watching this show from now on.

Had our daily talk this morning and my wife said she has been feeling bad about my comments that I didn't realise that she felt so bad and had the trauma she has in the past. I said I understood and that in the past when I was trying to give up I was only thinking of myself and what I needed, very selfish P brain. I was also very stubborn and unwilling to do any work as I didn't think my problem was that bad and I could just stop, yeah right! What a bloody idiot I was, I am so glad my wife has not given up on me completely. I have now come to realise the problems I have caused and the damage I have done and am now committed to do the work to understand and help her heal. I think this is very important for all PA's to do this as I am finding by having this empathy that it is helping me to heal as well.

 

So another day down, last day of my holidays. I have had a good day, have been honest with my wife, read her boundaries list, done my intention post, exercised and have read posts and have looked and asked for courses that I could do to help me. Did my daily check in with my wife.

I was a bit lazy this morning, didn't wake up until 9am. I then realised I had not had not done my check in nor had I written my journal. I immediately owned up to this and made up for it. I then did my journal entry and then read and answered some posts. Went to the shops with my daughter then went to the beach for a walk with the dog. Only 3 other people down there so not a lot of socializing for my dog, she loves interacting with other dogs and people, she just loves everyone. Came home and we decided to see a movie, took forever to decide what one and which cinema to go to. Was going to go to one where you get food served at your seat but they didn't have anything we wanted to watch. Ended up going to cinema with large reclining seats, we could cuddle a bit while watching so it was just great, very relaxing and the movie was great as well. Back home and are watching some shows and just relaxing.

Spoke to my wife and she asked what actual work was I going to do. I said I have been looking but have not found anything as yet. I have some books I want to read and I want to look into the betrayal trauma more. What she said was she wants me to do some work on actual porn addiction. I have as yet not found a course to do, I know this site has its own course so if anyone has done or could recommend anything please do.

 

I have been honest with my wife, missed daily check in, will do this first thing in the morning when we wake up. I read the boundaries list but did not exercise today as it is the weekend got up a bit late.

Saturday is fairly well routine for me, I read the paper do the Sudoku and then get the meals organised for the week so I can do up the shopping list and go do that. It takes up a lot of my time but saves having to go to the shops through the week. Got back from shopping and put it all away. The sun was out so went outside to sit and read a few chapters of YBOP. The people a few houses down were having a party and there was a guy playing his guitar and singing so it was nice to listen to while sitting out there as well.

When I went back in we decided to watch a movie, I had to make up some dough for dinner so did that so it could rise while we watched the movie. Did not have a lot of time actually talking to my wife as I made dinner and while waiting for it to cook played a game on my phone. I know I am playing this a lot and have to stop, so will be restricting myself soon as time can get away from me.

We ended up watching some shows and again I feel asleep.

 

I have been honest with my wife, read my boundaries list, read some of POYB and posts on here. Did my daily check in tonight. Did not have any thought or urges.

Was a slow day, being Sunday not a lot on so read posts on here and watched some videos, answered some threads etc.. Watched a couple of movies. My wife did it to me again, I think she is testing me she put a movie on and it had a topless girl, the scene went for a few minutes or it seemed like it. And she was snoozing so I am again lost to know what to do as I don't know how long it will go for. I was not triggered or turned on by it anyway as it was not a sexual thing she was just getting around normally, just topless. I was more worried about what my wife would think if she woke up, even though she put the movie on. Anyway I grabbed my phone and started to play my game on it with the show in my line of sight but I could not really see anything.

Sat outside again with my book today as the sun came out. I do this mainly as I am Vitamin D deficient, not that I dont go in the sun much as I go to the beach and walk and do work in the yard. I usually dont wear more than a T shirt even in the winter and work outside with no shirt most times, so I was surprised when the results showed this.

So back at work tomorrow and back to stress and working on my computer all day. Since I have been on holidays and have had no stress and have just been relaxing and with my wife most of the time I have had no issues with urges or thoughts, it has been wonderful. I hope I dont start having any issues once I am back. As I use a laptop which I take home it has accountability software installed as with my work phone so I am not tempted to do anything. It does not stop the urges or thoughts though. I did in the last few weeks of work go ok so I think I will be ok.

 

I have been honest and open with my wife and read my boundaries list and some posts on here. Did my daily check in tonight. Did not have any thought or urges and was mostly stress free.

Back at work today, morning started out weird. I set my alarm so I could do 40 mins of exercise before getting ready. My alarm went off and I got up and went to kitchen for a drink. My youngest was in there making his breakfast, now this may not seem unusual but no one is up in my house until just before I leave at 7am, let alone at just after 5am. I said "what are you doing up this early" He said its 6am and he was going to play his game before school. Checked the cock and he was right, checked my alarm and it was set at 5am??? I must have went to sleep and thought I had gotten up straight away. Was very disappointed but glad I didn't start exercising then realised the time as I would have been late.

Work was good, first 2 hours just reading through emails, then had meeting with boss for an hour, he had some things he needed me to do so next thing its lunch time. Had lots of news, people leaving, changing positions, people off sick etc.. there were some issues while I was away but they got through them without me so all good. Did not have any real stress issues even with all the issues I was told about, just let it go and got on with my work as this has in the past triggered me as I needed to just do something else rather than think about the issues I had to deal with. I know I can ring and talk to my wife if things get to bad and I also now get up and walk around if I start to feel like looking at P. Today it was not necessary, I think having a week of doing nothing has helped a lot. I hope it stays like this.

I had one of the guys from work who had in the past given me P videos come to my desk and offered me his USB stick saying "I have something you will really like" I immediately had a small panic attack. I didn't know what it could be as 9 out of 10 times he is normally just got normal movies or TV shows but wouldn't say it like this. Anyway he had a new episode of The Walking Dead, some episodes of a new show an a couple of movies he had gotten. I downloaded the ones I wanted except one that I knew had scenes i it that could be triggering. I told my wife when I got home as I had agreed to tell er about any movies or shows I got from people at work.

So got to go now and watch some shows, goodnight!

 

I have been honest and open with my wife and read my boundaries list. wrote on the daily intentions post, read and wrote back to some posts on here. Did my daily check in this afternoon, I did not have any thought or urges and was stress free, was a good day.

Got up and went for walk early this morning, was still dark but sun was coming up. I like this time as I can walk the dog lead free, she is very well trained and stays close and comes as soon as she is called to walk beside me, also never goes onto the road or reacts at all to dogs barking at her as we walk past. Her only issue is she just loves anything that moves and wants to say hello. This can be overwhelming for some dogs and people so for her safety if there are other dogs i put her on the lead. I love these walks as it is very relaxing and i dont really think about much just walk and look at the scenery and watch how my dog just has the best time. Watching her just being free and running around wagging her tail madly and just so happy to be is beyond words can explain. I am after a few month P free realising how great this is and not thinking about P and just being, like my dog, I just don't run around like a madman.

Work was good, finally got my phone working, has been months where I have not had reception at my desk for my mobile. I would not even get missed calls, just a message hours later saying there is voice messages. Anyway changed service provider and phone actually rang a few times today, first in a long time. Only had one issue at work today, I had a notification my step sister put a posy on FB, I dont now usually look at FB not because I have any issues P wise just a huge waste of time. Anyway while looking I realised the old messages I had with my wife were there. We used to use messenger to talk and share things. anyway I was looking at some inspirational post or something she posted to me. I clicked on it to open it up so it was easier to read. This is when I realised that all photos and posts opened up from many years ago. There were some sexy nudes she had sent me and I could not help but look at them. I though how good she looked and closed them. Even though I looked at nudes they were my wife and I was not triggered to look for others so thought that was good. I also which was surprising did not get turned on. I can tell you even after over 20 years together I still get excited when she walks around in skimpy clothing or rubs herself against me.

This brings on the next issue I have, I am thinking of doing the 90 day reboot Nofap academy course. This scares me as only 3 weeks ago I could not handle not having O with her for 2 weeks, the pressure and BB got too much for me. If anyone has done the course or is doing please comment as to what you think or thought of it - thanks

Had a discussion with wife regarding my gaming habit, I know it has gotten out of hand and I need to stop playing so much, can be 2-3 hours on a big day. It is a car racing game and I am very competitive in this area. May be due to that I used to race before I meet my wife and only stopped a few years before we got together and finally sold my car a few years after this. I still miss it and have done a race day and go carting, not quiet the same but still good fun. Anyway I said I just wanted to finish off a couple of races that I am having difficulty beating, I cant let this game beat me and I am sooo close. She thinks it is just me substituting my addiction. She is possibly right and I will finish and I will back it right off to just a few races a day, 30 mins max a day.

 

I have been honest and open with my wife and read my boundaries list. I have wrote on the daily intentions post, read and wrote back to some posts on here. Did my daily check in this afternoon, I did have some strange thoughts and urge to do something not necessarily P just stressed and bored so wanted a change, this would be in the past when I would look at something. Rest of day was mostly stress free, so not a bad day all in all.

Got up and was tired and dragged myself to the kitchen for water before I went to exercise. Stayed up too late watching a show with my wife, its ok for her she was still snoozing when I left (going to get it when she reads this) I think I need to go to sleep earlier tonight.

This morning out of the blue when i went to have a shower I started to have all these negative thoughts about I cant do this and I will fail, might as well just look at P etc.. all happened very fast. I physically shook myself and said to myself to stop this shit. It was very concerning but I had it controlled very quickly and forgot about it until I had my check in with the wife. I spoke to her about this and also about doing the 90 day hard mode. I have read a couple of peoples journals that are doing this and have also read in the past it is the best way to recover. So this weekend I am going to sign up and start. Told the wife I will need to get a few in to get me through so watch out! I think she will suffer nearly as much as me so I appreciate her sacrifice that she is willing to go without to help me.

 

I have been open and honest to my wife and have read my boundaries list. I wrote on the daily intentions post, have read and wrote back to some posts on here. Did my daily check in this afternoon.

I have to say I was disappointed to see a couple of SO's basically telling other SO's that they would or should leave their husbands if he had done that! WHAT ABOUT A BIT OF SUPPORT! I read about one of their husbands and could say the same, when I read my wife's about me I could say the same. Actually one person did sort of say this. I have read posts on some long term people here and have thought the same and now they are doing ok. It is the addiction, once we PA's realise this and start applying ourselves we become the person our wives always wanted. Not saying it is worth all the trauma and hurt we put on our SO's but I thought this forum was about support not trying to get people to separate. Anyway had to say it here as I wanted to reply to their posts with saying what I did above but really don't want to go down that path. Have seen posts where people are just going at each other and it is very counterproductive and I am sure some people have left the site because of it. I try to only post support and information to help, same as what i have received here, this should be a safe place to express your thoughts and feelings without people attacking because of their feelings. Like I was told when I was young "If you dont have anything nice to say then dont say anything" Possibly why I dont talk a lot.

I have had some negative feelings today around starting the hard mode and doing the Nofap course. Am concerned that I may not be able to get through. I know I will be given tools to help and I can rely on my wife for support. I am committed to getting PM free so will apply myself. I think it is just my addiction trying to sabotage me. Looked at some inspirational posts and found some on happiness and to be happy no matter what, was great until my wife came in and talked to me. I was just replying to a post and did not hear what she said, I immediately apologised and said I just needed to get this post out. She was then trying to tell me about being stressed while I was sitting there with a big smile, not the best way to react to someone is expressing their feelings to you. She ended up leaving, I laid there and thought this through. Later I went and spoke to her and apologised for smiling and explained why and I should have been listening better and been more attentive to her feelings. I felt bad that I did this to her as I am really trying to be better at communicating to her and I really want to make her feel good.

 

I have read my boundaries list, wrote on the daily intentions post, have read and wrote back to some posts on here. Did my daily check in this afternoon and have been open and honest to my wife.

I had a good day today, started with doing exercise and I noted that the camera man focused on the breasts of one of the women. I have watched this exercise DVD before many times and have noted they sometimes get close but mainly showing off the muscle tone. This was blatantly looking at her breasts. I had not noticed it before because I am normally doing the exercises and only looking at the screen to see the correct form. I didn't have enough time to finish but wanted to do the cool down so had started to fast forward. When I saw it I was not triggered or felt anything apart from disgust that they would allow this. Anyway wont stop me from using these DVD's to exercise to but thought it worth noting. Jumped in the shower later on and half way through started to have some flashback of P. Not sure what triggered it, I am sure it was not the DVD incident, anyway it lasted 5 or 6 secs, then I just let it go. So glad I didnt let the fantasy get away from me and I was able to just stop and let it go. I have not had a lot of urges or thoughts but I know they are going to come so I have to be vigilant and ready.

I dropped my daughter at her gym then went to have blood tests done. Normally would be out really quick but it was a new person and she was alone, took forever, then on the way too work there was heaps of traffic and an accident, so took heaps longer to get there. I had a 4 hour meeting to get to and only just made it in time to quickly get a coffee before going in to meeting. Was not that bad and the time went fast, mainly as I did a lot of talking and trying to work through our challenges and come up with solutions. Then had lunch and IT guy came and set up my new VOIP phone, with headset and connects to mobile so can either answer at my desk or on my mobile. Heaps better and was very happy with it. Tried to ring my wife who did not answer after 3 tries. Then I realised it would be a new number so rang on the mobile. Yes she didn't want to answer some weirdo who wouldnt stop ringing her LOL. Anyway had a talk to her and then had 8 hours of work to do in 2 so was very busy so had no thought or urges.

Got home and wife was looking all sexy laying on the bed, I was turned on straight away, so things ended up getting sexual. I really dont know how I am going to do the 90 day hard mode but I will make it through. I know it is going to be difficult for both of us but will be well worth it in the end.

My wife was asking me about what P I used to look up and what I had seen an what sort of shocking stuff etc.. It is hard for me to talk to her about this, I answered her honestly but didn't really want to think about it. I only discussed it with her because I have committed to being honest with her and if she asks I will answer honestly even if I am feeling uneasy about it. It made me feel really shameful about what I had done and also realise the shit I have seen, and some I wish I hadn't but cant take it back or unsee but I can make sure I don't ever go back there.

 

Sorry have not been on here for a few days, have been having issues at home. I don't want to write about it while I feel the way I do. I may say things I dont want to have to take back later as I know I will calm down and thoughts will be different later on. Have not started the NoFap 90 Day hard mode course as yet due to this, once things settle i will be back. Still PMO free and no urges or thoughts so all good there.