New and healthy sexual fantasy started after no PMO.

Hi there!! So after about 200 days of no PMO and after that only 3times of MO, I am focusing on gaining a healthy sexual mind. This started with the 3 MO session, because I was able to get erect with fantasy only for the first time in 15+ years. This was the first sign of healing and I only discovered it through (unhealthy fantasy) MO.

Since then I realized that orgasm isn’t evil, but my fantasies are.

Spoiler

(fantasies consisting ofbeing degraded by five 60+ year old men in a hotel room)

So to combat those unhealthy fantasies, I started to interrupt the intrusive fantasies with what I assumed to be my healthy sexual ideal instead. This consisted of me visualizing holding a women, laying next to her, feeling her warmth and had very little to do with any sex.

The fact that this visualization popped to my mind told me a lot about what I am truly seeking. I want companionship and deep romantic/emotional connection with a women and sex is secondary. This is the really deep truth, only discovered through abstinence from PMO!

So the first time I tried this healthy fantasy, it actually killed my arousal. I’m so conditioned to be turned on by insanely fetishy and taboo subjects, that normal emotional connection fantasy did nothing for me... at first.

So continuing in this new found recovery path of embracing my truth behind my sexual needs and trying to cultivate that, the fantasy morphed into clearer imagry. My new fantasy is me laying in a grassy field, in the sun, with a women and holding her hand or touching her thigh. it’s a fantasy of deep connection, ultimate safety and understanding. Where I am accepted as completely myself and loved for it. And we share this relaxed experience of intense connection.

And this new fantasy give me butterflies in my stomach!!! It’s insanely arousing!

I’ve been using sex/PMO for years because I never learned the skills to seek that type of experience, so using PMO gives me a cheap and effective alternative to that.

I am now experiencing aroual from this fantasy!! And this is the first time in my life I’ve ever had this happen!

Today I was on a clothing website shopping. I filtered by “men clothes”, but the site is broken and included women in sports bras. There was A model who fit my interests and I couldn’t help but click on her and zoom in on her body. I stopped and started journaling.

What I realized with journaling is that i Could explore this arousal and rather than focusing on the sexual arousal, i Can try and focus on what i really am hoping to experience through this picture. So i went back to the website, found that picture again and focused on the story i build in my head while looking at her. And to my surprise.... it was exactly what my sexual fantasy depicts!! I don’t think I’ve been chasing frivolous sex, I think I’ve been chasing intense emotional safety and connection, but to afraid to seek it out in real life, so PMO was the easy solution.

I gave this model a personality. I gave her a style, I gave her a story. I imagined she liked me and we got along, and that this girl would be the one to sit In The grass with me and make me feel loved and safe.

Of course there’s the primal urge to fuck her, but the majority of my selectivness is seeking someone who looks like they would fit that personality type. Not a difficult woman, not a woman who sleeps around with a lot of people, not a prostitute, but a perky chipper upbeat cute person who could intellectually understand me and we could be together.

This was a huge eye opener for me!!! And the next phase of my recovery is to build that fantasy and seek it out in real life. And if the destructive selfish sexual fantasy creeps back in (as it will cuz I have 20+ years of experience with it) I can transfer that urge towards the healthy fantasy and start to experience orgasm and arousal in conjunction with my healthy desires rather than the destructive ones from the past.

And work on the issues in my head that keep me wanting to escape the real world and enter the fantasy realm of PMO.

 

I’m not offended but I do think your thinking is very black and white (and most likely stemming from Christian ideology). Nothing wrong with your beliefs, I just feel that suppressing sexual urge is just as unhealthy as PMO.

The negative consequences you listed above all sound like the consequences of negative self indulgence. As a side not selfish sex Ian just as bad. Remove the hand and the P and M, and if I were to go to hookers or be fucked by gay men on Craigslist and never touch my dick again, I’d still be feeding the selfish addictive sexual beast. I think it’s less about Masturbation specifically, or about sex, it’s about a healthy sexual relationship with myself and others and learning to have sexual desires, but only the healthy ones. My the desires that are tired to escapism. I feel there’s a big difference. Sex with my wife for example has been utterly selfish and repulsive in the past, and I don’t want to do that ever again. So I need to relearn sexuality and reframe orgasms.

Now just to be clear this isn’t something that can be practiced on day one of sobriety, and i wouldn’t recommend it to anyone who isn’t doing the deep self exploration therapy that I’ve started.

But I feel that sexual anorexia is a real thing amongst recovering sex addicts and it’s important for me to become a balanced sexual being rather than someone denying their sexuality.

My focus is to uncover healthy sex. And the only way I’ve been able to do that is by engaging in sexual fantasy and even MO. The reason for this is fairly simple. Here’s an example.

I see it very similar to the difference between someone practicing basketball vs someone watching it on tv. We as humans need to practice something to learn it. I learn and change through experience.

The only way I was able to discover the link between unhealthy sexual escape and my desire to have deep emotional connection was by looking at the model on the fashion site, and feeling those feelings.

After going to CBT therapy for the last 9 months I have realized that life isn’t black and white, that there’s a lot of experience in the gray area.

This isnt for everyone and as I said depending on your path in recovery it could be dangerous. Reason is, many people I’ve heard from on here don’t face their demons. They just put porn blockers on their computers and sit on their hands hoping for the best. While I admire anyone who tries to kick this addiction, I personally needed to go through intensive therapy work. I was suicidal for the first 2-3 months of sobriety because I was uncovering deep rooted pain and didn’t have PMO to soothe the pain. But I got through it and then kept going with the work.

So at the stage of recovery I’m at now, Im working on how to be human, have a sexual side of me and rather than run from it and force it out of me, i am learning to embrace it and transfer the sexual energy from destructive to healthy. The fantasy (and Also specific and conscious MO) is helping me do this.

No offense taken just hoping to show the world that my reboot isn’t stopping at sexual anorexia but rather changing my relationship with orgasms and with the women around me.

 

For me I feel like my brain is still practicing unhealthy fantasy. Without me wanting to , very unnatural fetish, taboo, destructive sexual fantasies pop into my head. Months of no PMO and it’s still with me.

Then the first time I attempted to be aroused by a healthy sexual scenario, it actually turned me off. 20+ years of degrading imagry has deeply tied sexyalvoleasure with adrenaline and dopamine, so my brain still seeks the taboo in order to be sexually satisfied.

I feel that through practice I am re-wiring my brain, so that the old extreme fantasies are fading and they’re being replaced by new healthy ones.

Of course the end goal is to live out these healthy fsntasies in real life, but I think it’s a stepping stone in the right direction.

My experience is that sexual recovery requires exploration into healthy sex. This is very scary because of the years of destruction behind my PMO use. But I feel it’s necesary.

I’ve never had this type of sexual relationship with myself or these desires with others. So it’s definitly a new phase of my recovery rather than me slipping back into addiction.

I will say, that I personally don’t like MO and want to save all of that energy for others, but for now, the re-wiring of my sexual brain is incredibly theraputuc and actually helping me become more emotionally connected and dig even deeper into my recovery from sex addiction.

I wish it was easier to explain my addiction journey is complex and very long. Without sharing all the details it might not be clear enough. I hope to one day place my entire story in one spot so I And others can see the progression.

 

Yea I’ve read the fantasy stuff before. Which is why there is a huge difference in what in fantasizing about. A fantasy that builds my sexual ideal and reframed my sexual urges seems to be healthy (in moderation). As I mentioned, the healthy fantasy didn’t even turn me on the first many times I started doing it. But now it does, so my brain is slowly forgetting the extreme taboo fantasy and is finding healthy scenarios arousing.

 

Very true.

The reason I put this thread in the success stories is because it really doesn’t belong anywhere else, because it’s an experience beyond porn addiction. It’s related by it’s like the second phase of this. Where sex isn’t a shameful problem, but rather when the problem has been removed (temporarily or for ever is unknown ) how do we deal with our sexual nature, beyond suppression.

I would also say that I needed 6 months of complete abstinence from all PMO including no touching of any kind. I needed to go through 3 months of suicidal thoughts, I needed therapy and intensive theraputic work, I needdd 12 step meetings and working the 12 steps, I needed to cry at least once a day for 6 months straight.

All of the work I have done prepped me for the ability to MO and not completely fall apart. This really opened my eyes to the difference between healthy sex vs unhealthy. Unlike drugs, sex is more like a food addiction. We can’t stop eating food, but we have to learn how to stop eating addictive, and deal with the issues that cause us to escape into food. Same exact thing but for sex.

This journey for me is far from over. I’m currently dealing with the root of my problems, which is 20+ years of me building protective walls to separate me from friendship and society that now make social interaction near impossible. I’ve already conquered a bunch of issues, but not done yet. This insecurity/social thing is probably the problem. And as I work through this, I get further and further away from addictive sexual behavior.