A new way to relapse. Dating Apps.

Hello everybody. I'll start with a prelude: I am a good-looking guy and have a few other things going for me. No, I'm not trying to be narcissistic, this is important within the context of my story. I have always thought that I should be aiming higher when it comes to girls (I do get "laid" every once in a while, but they're never/very rarely 8s or 9s). Please don't cringe yet. I have also been using Tinder for a while, with a low to moderate success rate. But seeing profiles of hot girls on the app and not getting a response from them really messes with my head. Apart from that, if you live in a big city (as I currently do) you are surrounded by images of extremely attractive women. That is something that I find very frustrating. Everywhere you go there are sexual stimuli and the privacy of your own home does not save you (especially if you are using dating apps).

Now, I've been on NoFap successfully for about a month (it will be thirty days this Tuesday if I am correct). And I do have an outlet for all of my energy: I am a competitive athlete + a masters student. Yet I still manage to behave like an idiot and potentially engage in risky sexual behaviors. I'll elaborate: like all of us, at times I struggle to keep the thoughts about sex away and since my libido is through the roof (as you would expect from a 21 y.o.) I have potentially contemplated having sex with a transwoman/man. It is quick and easy. No, I am not attracted to men, yet I think that watching porn for years might have made my fantasies more extreme and unhealthy (from a heterosexual's perspective). This type of sex requires way less effort than getting a girl - a quick hook up is just several sentences and several pictures away.

So I have been installing Grindr, searching for potential partners, sending over my photos (which is the dumbest thing imaginable if you value your reputation) and then deleting the app without meeting anyone. By the time that my trip to the land of sodomy would end, I'd gaze at the watch to find out that I have irredeemably lost an hour or more of my life. And in the same manner, I have spent this very evening.

Like I've mentioned above, I did not watch porn, neither did I masturbate, nor had an orgasm. But every time such a thing would happen (installing Grindr and looking for fast sex with any creature that resembles a human, then shamefully deleting the app) I would feel a sense of defeat. I guess there're just plenty of other addictions and relapses that I will have to overcome, not just the ones that NoFap is concerned with.

There's no point to this mini-essay but to share my thoughts and feelings this ugly night. And much appreciation to anyone who gives it time, reads it and maybe even responds to it.

Thanks.

 

Yeah, thank you guys. It seems like deleting them would be the best idea. Without Tinder I should be able to refrain from falling into the rabbit hole of quick-intercourse-seeking. The only reason that I have stayed on the app was the fact that at least half or even most of the 'connections' I made were through Tinder. Now I don't want this to spiral into a discussion of whether one should stick to one partner or a certain level of promiscuity is ok. I do not know the answer myself and I have also made a decision not to engage in a long-term relationship a while ago. Switching completely to meeting girls in real life should not be a problem; I've dealt with a fair share of rejections and I am sure that I would be able to deal with more. c:

Or, perhaps, putting the thought of finding partners for meaningless encounters aside for now. Until the 60 day mark, at least. Thank you for your comments, I really appreciate!

 

Maybe it won’t. As for me, being there already means that I’m preoccupied with the idea of seeking sex. So for some it’s an easy pathway for relapsing, if we’re concerned with abstaining from porn/masturbation/orgasming.

I think you will find someone there, and it might even be a meaningful connection, despite the fact that most of the people there aren’t the “long-term” material. The other question is whether you want something serious or not. If you don’t, then prepare to spend a good portion of your daily life swiping left/right and trying to lure girls out for a coffee date. For me, seeking new partners there was like a part-time job. It takes effort and consistency. And it makes you feel bad on top of that. So I guess you can use it seldomly (while traveling, for example) but not on an everyday basis.

I also stopped using social networks a while ago - a smart choice for sure, but it left a hole which Tinder filled in. So that might’ve been a part of the problem.

 

I did the same thing again. Being a hypocrite I am, I advised people on the forums not to use dating apps while downloading tinder again. While I did get quite a few matches over a relatively short period of time, it would have been impossible to meet anyone this night, so I turned to a more sinister activity: reinstalled grindr and started searching for transwomen/transsexuals. And instead of going to bed early as I have planned I traded the valueable hours of sleep for a familiar sense of defeat and humiliation. It took me several hours to get back to reality and now I decided to type it all up here. Just like the previous times, I have not orgasmed or masturbated yet I do feel like I have failed myself.

In addition to all the observations that are mentioned in the previous posts I would note that when analyzing these 'quick-sex seeking' and dating app related experiences, it almost seems as if some other person, whom I cannot control in the slightest, takes the steering wheel in my head and the 'regular me' sort of falls into an autopilot/observer mode. Now I might be overdramatizing these occurrences but I cannot shake off the feeling that there's a mild form of schizophrenia involved: the 'lustful me' vs my normal state. And the switch between the two is very quick; you let your guard down for a second and you're already in the passenger seat.

I guess no new conclusions can be drawn out from this evening/night yet this latest instance of tinder/grindr use does stress the importance of keeping my mind in check and not letting this other, harmful side of me to manifest again.

 

I'm gonna throw you a bone here pal as a looooooooooong time chat fiend who has had many issues with the various platforms and quitting them. I have also watched porn for over 15 years in some way shape or form amd up until recently was addicted as fuck.I have also experienced the addictive nature of chat apps for a number of years.

The reason you are feeling like shit after using Grindr is you are a) probably not gay and b) addicted to chat apps.

Although you haven't orgasmed, sent nudes and fapped endlessly whilst using those apps you have searched endlessly on them and engaged with people on them.

My psychologist told me that chat apps are exactly like playing slot / gaming or pokie machines. You insert cash (time and effort) and play the game (seeking hookups). You might win. You might lose you might break even. You eventually browse until you get a hit (small win) you keep playing. You get two replies back from matches and one of them wants a fuck (jackpot) you participate in the activity (cashout). Yoy enjoy the dopamine hit and go back for more.

The point is chat can be EVERY bit as addictive as normal porn if not more.

Another observation too if I may - from what you are saying you seem to identify as hetro and you use Grindr for some transwoman action. Now if you are bi or homosexual or even curious that might be ok for you but I am guessing that it is NOT your first preference. If you get off those apps and participate in a reboot your tastes will probably become more vanilla.

All the best man.

 

Many thanks, I agree. But it will take some time for sure. I am already a month in and even though the effects wear off, I do give in sometimes. And since porn is not an option, using dating apps and seeking a quick hook-up became a perverted substitute. I had a similar experience when quitting social media - I just started spending more time on YouTube and, as I have already mentioned, on Tinder. So unless I add 'abstaining from dating apps' to the PMO challenge, the problem will not get solved.

 

Sounds like you might need to add it to your reboot. Not much use substituting one vice for another. You'll find your path but the aim of thr game (at least for me anyway) is to be free of all this shit

 

Hey everyone. It’s gotten a lot better. No dating apps - no pathway fot this behavior (or, if I’ll be a little more dramatic, another “me”) to materialize again. It hasn’t been long though but I already feel like I was freed from something powerful. So, like I’ve previously said, I believe that avoiding Tinder-like apps should be a part of “no PMO” package. Anyone who’s embarking on this journey should at least take a note of that.

I’ve also passed a thirty day mark without porn, orgasms or masturbation. And it feels slightly different at this point. Urges are coming back, especially in the morning, but judging from my previous fapstronaut streak, they’ll go away pretty soon.

Let me know how things are going for you and thanks again.

 

Goodjob bro. 30 days is a solid effort. Great fou dation for future / continued success. Cheers. Going well here. Feel really empowered off those apps myself. Urge to PMO vomes and goes but since my reboot I have introduced MO again in what I believe to be healthy does. Keeping an eye on that so it doesn't get outta hand but as I said feeli great at the moment.

 

If I’ll be honest I think that masturbation is a problem no smaller than porn addiction. But I might be wrong. I just don’t feel like I’m recovering if I’m masturbating (even without porn) and I’ve never believed that masturbating is healthy. There’s a good amount of literature and videos out there that supports my claim and the myth of masturbation being healthy is one of those popularized “cosmopolitan” facts. Funny enough, I actually think that the magazine itself was the one responsible for spreading the concept of “masturbation being good for your wellbeing”. Just look it up if you’re interested.

 

Evening everyone. A little update. My 'no orgasm' streak is over (yours truly encountered a very pleasant girl last night). However, I am curious about the sort of benefits or changes I'd experience if abstaining for a longer period of time. I will set it as my new goal sometime soon.

As to dating apps: I have not come back to them. Feels amazing not to have myself stuck to a phone screen and swiping through countless images of random girls and then waiting for a match, and then thinking of a way to get her out on a date, and then eventually doing my best to sleep with her. It is as if I quit a horrible part-time job. c:

Thanks again for reading!