Journal of My Story..... Thoughts | Feelings | Healing | Partners Recovery

@Banjaxed I understand what you mean about the third person aspect being his journal but it was purely because I was only responding to that post and not to go over his head so to speak. But I can see it could be taken that way. What I wrote wasn't negative. I just didn't think we should block each other and i said I do want him to express himself (that's a positive) so there was no i'll intent toward him at all.

The checking of bank account is not a problem for us (we share bank accounts) It was only because we weren't communicating at the time and before the fight he was supposed to start Hardmode that day. Him starting 90 Day Hardmode is a mutual decision between us which I support but I didn't want him to start it with everything so bad between us, it's not a good foot to start off on.

And yes, I am/will focus on me

 

Finally writing some more.....

THIS!!! It needs to be TATTOOED ON MY FOREHEAD so he stops forgetting it. It needs to be in the forefront of his brain but it's absolutely not!

Yes, and you know I have them but a limit of 6 or so is starting to look impossible. I'm beginning to feel the need for a hell of a lot more!!

If anything ends our relationship, it will be the MAGNITUDE of his Stubbornness. This is harder to deal with than anything else, even the porn addiction itself. It's the constant inability to ever give in even when he knows his wrong.

It will only get better if he stops being so stubborn & pigheaded and right now I have no faith in that what so ever. This is something he's learned and practised for 50 years. What's the chances of it actually changing now?

 

Hello.... yeah ok at the moment! It's been a rough couple of weeks. I felt like I needed to take a hiatus as I didn't know if I was coming or going mentally. Just been trying to focus on me and step back from him and his problems. I've been thinking to update my journal for the last few days and will soon. Thanks for checking in on me, means a lot. I hope everything's going well as can be with you too xxx

 

MY CHECKLIST - 22/10/18 to 13/11/18

• My husband has been honest with me

• My Boundaries are in place & being met

• My husband has initiated & connected with me about his thoughts, feelings or urges thru Daily Check-In

• My husband has regularly communicated with me about his recovery work (either through talking or his journal)

I think it's been over 3 weeks since I've updated my journal. I've been taking a much needed break.
Just reflecting and trying to focus on other neglected areas of my life. This whole porn addiction situation, the damage caused and the amount of time, energy and mental space it takes up has really taken a toll in the last 4 months.
The 2 weeks of separate sleeping arrangements was over 11 days ago. It was off and on, emotionally tense between us. A lot of ups and downs and disagreements at times. For the most part we kept to ourselves. So as to avoid any further tension we agreed that he do his his daily check-ins and talk about his recovery, thoughts, urges etc via private message which I was fine with and I responded the same way. We had a few verbal discussions over the time but really weren't seeing eye to eye or getting anywhere. I had requested previously that he write me an acknowledgment letter of the boundaries that had been broken and an apology also. I had given him in point form my point of view to which he could respond what he agreed with and that which he didn't. For the most part he acknowledged and apologised for how things had played out.
At the end of the 2 weeks, we had a lengthy discussion about everything that had happened and agreed to move on. He told me he believes he is suffering from brain fog and is struggling at times seeing any wrong in his ways. During C period he signed up to NoFap Academy for the 90 day reboot and started doing the pre-work until we decided a definite start date. The past 11 days have been mostly good between us and we have both been focusing on our own recovery / healing work. We have shared some quality time together just relaxing and also working on some projects at home. I have spent a lot of time over the past couple of weeks in my gardens, weeding, pruning, mulching and giving them a much needed work-over. I also started a new vegie patch. I've enjoyed getting into my gardens. Although it's a lot of work, I really do find being with nature very grounding, and it somehow helps me feel more at peace and together. I put up some trellis and have planted a heap of climbing beans and lebanese cucumbers. Also planted cherry tomatoes, red capsicums and a new lemongrass. I have seedlings of beetroot, leek, rocket and coriander coming along and will be ready for planting soon. And my Tahitian lime tree that I planted a couple of years ago is finally fruiting for the first time which is exciting.
I woke up the other morning feeling really anxious and beside myself and I asked my H to do FANOS with me for 10 mins before he left for work. It was very early and we'd never done it before but we had both been reading about it and decided to just give it a go spur of the moment. I really liked it a lot and he did too. A lot was said in those few minutes and I just felt so much better and started my day in a much better frame of mind. Later that night he said he really enjoyed the FANOS and we should do it more often. We haven't done it again but plan on making it a regular part of our recovery / healing work.
So he officially started his no PMO 90 day Reboot on Monday so today is Day 2. He was feeling very apprehensive about it and concerned at how difficult / challenging it really might be and worried whether he'd get through it or not. He really does want to succeed and wants all the benefits of beating this addiction as well as a clearer mind. He seems genuinely determined and has committed to completing it so that is a positive and I hope we get through it without too many difficulties. I don't know how I'm going to go with no sex for 90 days, hopefully it won't be too difficult. If he can get thru it, it will be a rock solid start to his recovery and to rewiring his brain. I'm more concerned about us becoming or feeling more distant and disconnected due to the no sex for so long.
We discussed doing a lot more of the FANOS and cuddle time to avoid this. On Sunday morning, while we were still laying in bed he asked if I would like to date him for the next 90 days. I said I would like that and I'd like to get to know him and really try to rediscover one another all over again - with no lies or bullshit "with genuine and rigorous honesty". We talked about putting a close / an end to this relationship that has ended up so damaged and destroyed and to start a fresh with a new relationship, a new direction, with a new focus on the values and virtues that need to be treasured and upheld, if we really want this relationship to work, to be healthy and to be truly fulfilling.
So this is where we are at, at the moment. We are in a fairly good place and I hope we can keep it this way.

 

Yes we will, I might talk to him about doing it Wednesdays and the weekend. If we can't fit it all in then just the weekend. It really helped with feeling more connected.

I've been reading through a few SO journals that I've missed in the past few weeks and it just amazes me the amount of work everyone is putting in and how much time it all takes for everyone. It's really inspiring and I really want us to do more too. I know he really struggles time wise, between work and other things that need doing, his recovery work and just getting time to unwind. Last night he fell asleep during his recovery work and I know he was just sooo tired but he needs to get a handle on that because it makes me feel like he's not really engaged in it!

I was reading about your retrospective work that you and your husband do @Jennica I really like the sound of that too. Do you have links to further info on it by chance, I'd be interested in reading more about it. And I'm really interested in the work @Kenzi that you and RS are doing on intimacy anorexia. I can see this being something that could really help us as well. I'd like to do it with my H and plan on looking into the 100 day program but I may need to wait til he finishes his 90 day hardmode reboot / course he's just started because I don't know how we'll fit it all in. I start wondering how everyone does it all with kids, work and everything else going on -- but it just has to be done i guess because it's too IMPORTANT not too. Best of luck with it, I really hope it makes a lasting difference!

 

Something else I setup after the Consequences ended was an agreement book.
This is in addition to my B & C's. And is easier than just adding to them every time.
I feel this is where so many problems start.
He doesn't do what he says he's going to do.
He'll agree / commit to doing something then days / weeks later says he never agreed to that or we didn't even have that conversation, or he remembers it all differently.
It causes so many issues between us. Because I honestly don't know if he genuinely doesn't remember or if he's just gaslighting me!
So I've made a book. And if something comes up, that is said or agreed upon and I feel it's important enough that it'd cause a problem if he later doesn't honour it then I get him to write it in the book.
That way it can't be disputed!
So far he has written that he promises to close all online accounts and not create any more or make any unknown money online.
That no devices other than his kindle are to go into the bathroom
That he won't let any other distractions intrude on his recovery work time -- like switching between his recovery work and watching TV in the background or playing games on his phone every so often.
And on the 18th November the Car Racing game and all the challenges he's doing with it, is just going and getting deleted. He picked the date a couple of weeks ago. He is to time poor already to be wasting time on that - and it's so addictive in itself! He's got so much to do with Recovery and also in getting time to do Couples work with me, it just needs to go and he agrees he's spending too much time on it.

 

How fascinating! Well, it's working for you guys at least so that's awesome! I've never even heard of Scrum (other than Rugby) or Scrum Master. Maybe it's a methodology predominantly used in the US. I'll ask my husband if he's heard of it. And yes, I'd greatly appreciate your hubby @NF4L elaborating on it further if he can. Maybe it's a method that my husband will more easily relate to as well....

 

This is great @NF4L ! I will look more into it and what the sprint rituals are. I like the idea of regular reflection of our progress through the use of "glad, sad and mad" and the "keep, start & stop". I had a brief look at the link and looks like lots of great info there. So will read it in more detail. Thanks heaps for this, I look forward to putting it into practise with my husband.

 

MY CHECKLIST - 14/11/18 to 17/11/18

• My husband has been honest with me (Other than last night - 16/11)

• My Boundaries are in place & being met

• My husband has initiated & connected with me about his thoughts, feelings or urges thru Daily Check-In

• My husband has regularly communicated with me about his recovery work (either through talking or his journal)

Me
Feeling more scattered / overwhelmed these last few days. A lot going on with the kids, (3 x teenagers) is hectic and and exhausting. Plus juggling and trying to keep up with the countless things to be done. I need to try and keep up with my own healing work / meditation / self care. I really have to make a Daily To Do list just of my own MUST DO's!! Rather than just trying to squeeze them in here and there.

Relationship
Things have been going fairly smoothly up until last night. H came home from work a couple of hours early because he wasn't feeling very well. Early that evening I made us all dinner and cleaned up and did the usual things that need doing while he rested in bed. He usually makes dinner and so I thought I would do it for him and give him some much needed rest. The short version of it all is, later that evening I said to him you still haven't done your check-in, he was just sitting up in bed watching TV and playing his car game. It was after 10pm and I usually prefer it done early because otherwise he can come across very vague and tiresome.

Anyway, he started with his check-in.... "I am PMO free. I have been honest with you, .... and the rest of it which was all good. Afterwards, something just didn't feel right, he seemed distant and it felt more than him just having a sore throat. I said are you sure you are telling me everything? He said Yes, I said something doesn't feel right, are you definitely PMO free because you don't seem right. Then he said, earlier there was something on the TV, (SBS of course) some naked woman/en having nude body art done. He said he'd been flicking channels and stayed on it a lot longer than he should of. I was immediately upset! Not so much that he'd seen that but the LIES. He'd just done his check-in only minutes before and said he'd been completely honest with me - WTF?? For us No Porn also includes No PSubs which pretty much includes not staying on anything with Nudity if it's on the TV or a movie or whatever. It had only been within the previous hour or so and he just left it completely out. I'm glad he told me but I had to pry it out of him.

I didn't understand at all! I have been very patient and non-reactive over the past weeks / months with him telling me his thoughts / urges or fantasies that might pop up because it's important to me that he is honest about what is going on. So why hold this back from me? He started making all sorts of excuses which just annoyed me further because I've heard them all before. I still need to process it and analyse what I'd done. It wasn't triggering me. I wasn't feeling the urge to go and do anything. I just wanted to test myself and see if I was triggered. I've heard all this bullshit before!! And no it's NOT on. He then started saying that because I had gotten upset that this is why he doesn't like to tell me stuff and be honest. Now this is complete and utter Bullshit!! The one and only reason why I reacted the way I did was because he lied in the first place and secondly started making excuses for his behaviour. Had he just owned it and been honest and upfront like he has been up to now I would not have gotten upset at him and he knows that because he's told me of other things that I have not reacted to.

I told him he just doesn't understand what this does to me. He has lied to me so many times before this just throws everything back to square one, if not way further backward. He said I know it creates doubt in you. NO, it creates a lot more than just doubt in me. This is my whole life and future hanging in the balance here. If you can't get your act together, do what it takes to beat this addiction, become the better man that you need to be, one that refuses to be a liar and a deceiver then this relationship will never EVER work. That's what his lying and leaving out information means to me. It's way more than just DOUBT!! It might seem like a small thing to him. But it is HUGE for ME!!! He said he understood and he was sorry. I said I didn't want to discuss it anymore because I feel too upset and it's late and so we both went to sleep. I watched a show actually for a couple of hours because i couldn't sleep.

I didn't enforce a consequence because my boundary is that he has 24 hrs to come clean about it. I don't know that he actually would of come clean himself had I not cottoned on to something and been pressing him about it. I'd like to think so but I don't have faith at all yet that he would. I mean he just lied straight to my face and told me how he's been honest with me FFS. Yes he did then admit it but still it's not good enough and there was no reason for him to lie in the first place. Like I said to him, this just makes me feel like there could have been a whole lot more lies between now and the past 4 months. He assures me there isn't anything else. But why can't they SEE .... "Ohh what a wicked web they weave, when first they set out to deceive"

So this morning, he came to me with a coffee in the morning and apologised and asked for my forgiveness and that he didn't want tension between us. He said he knows there is no excuse and he was an idiot to just not say it straight away during check-in. We discussed it for a while and basically I said I agree to just move forward and I don't want any tension between us either. But I don't feel like I'm ready to forgive just yet. No this is all still too raw and very REAL to me. I take this all very seriously. It was only 4 months ago that you lied knowingly to my face for hours on end. I've had years of lying from you. So NO you don't just get my forgiveness that easily. I don't want to FUCKED around with anymore!!! He said he is serious and he is committed and he truly does believe he will get there but it's not always going to be perfect. He said if he truly believed he couldn't do this that he would just leave because he doesn't want to hurt me any more. I hope HE BLOODY MEANS WHAT HE SAYS!!! Because there's NO WAY in THE WORLD I could take any more bullshit FAKE RECOVERIES!!

I know that it's not always going to be perfect and like many on here say beating this addiction and making progress is not always linear and I get that. But there is NO REASON FOR DISHONESTY!!! EVER!!! And I agree with the making progress not perfection motto. And I do believe he is making progress. In the last 4 months I have seen more progress and effort than I have seen from him before but he needs to know if he doesn't already, what he's done to date is only the tip of the iceburg, I hope he really is going to be in it for the long haul and that he is that SERIOUS about it because I AM!!

So he decided for himself that he wanted to take responsibility for this slip and reset his counter back to zero. I didn't ask him to, it's just what he felt he needed to do. So I'll take that as Progress. So the 90 day no PMO also starts again. So we are back on Day 1 today.

*Rant Over*

I feel better I've gotten that off my chest...

On another note, we are kid free for the evening!!
Now that never happens very often, so it's a very QUIET house....
and just lovely I say...
But I hope they're all behaving themselves (that's the thing with teenagers)
you are living on hope and faith that they're all OK!!

 

Yes I've seen you write progress not perfection a few times on here - it's a great line! I like it a lot !

From the start of my boundaries 4 months ago, I've had the 24 hr bracket in there to come clean. It was something that @GhostWriter and I discussed because I wondered whether there should still be consequences like you've said @Qnb42078 . GW believed that there shouldn't be because you want to encourage the PA to be honest. If they know they are going to suffer consequences for it then it's basically like if I do the right thing and come clean I'm going to get in the shit for it anyway so why wouldn't I just lie about it. Which made sense I guess so I went with that. My concern also was if it became a regular pattern of relapsing or slipping and then owning up within the 24hr period and it kind of became a way of getting around it if you know what I mean. But I figured I'd cross that bridge when I came to it, if that seemed to be developing - which it's not at this point.

But what I have now questioned which I hadn't previously is this - So he has 24hrs to come clean on his own but what If i suspect something and come straight out and directly ask him like I did. At this point - I believe the whole 24hr thing should be out the window! You don't get 24hrs to decide if your going to be honest or not if I've directly confronted you about something - you are required to be immediately honest with me - there is no period for you to THINK ABOUT IT!! So this is what I'm thinking now (because it's a grey area) which I hadn't previously thought about!! So I think that will be getting made very CLEAR!!! because this is one of the things he said to me, oh I lied about it because I thought I had 24hrs to think about it anyway. Thoughts @GhostWriter ?

And yes I have thought quite a bit about this before. The thing with him is, Psubs were a huge thing for him for quite some time (years actually) and he's got heaps of them. It was also how he was spending A LOT of time at work (just in case he got caught - so it didn't look so bad) And same at home, so I believe they've become a REAL SUBSTITUTE or alternative way of still get his fix without getting caught down that rabbit hole so to speak !!