HOCD, PMO, depression, AGE 16 HELP WILL BE APPRECIATED!

Ok so im writing his cause i want to Change my life. (SORRY THIS IS LONG IF YOU READ THIS AND COMMENT IT IS GREATLY APPRECIATED )and be happy again. I’m 16 years old a JR I’m a high school stoner. That does well in school and is also physically active, I power lift. But I’m addicted to porn and it led me to have HOCD. I have been PMOing for about 5 years now. And when I 1st started it was bad like 2-3 times a day. Some times more. But I’ve alwayed did it once a day . When I hit 9th grade I was doing it only once or twice and started to get bored of porn. I used to watch it like it was tv. I would watch anything straight I always liked girls. I’ve dated girls never had any interest in guys like until I started watch porn on a daily I was confident out going like myself. Lately is been horrible I’ve been depressed for 2 years now. Always so sad, I’ve started smoking weed it definitely helps with my anxiety and all that good stuff. As I’m typing this I’m a good 2 blunts in. Anyways, I would always have stomach aces to these intrusive thoughts. I had no desire to go out and fuck dudes, but I thought I was gay cause I was thinking about it and I think the transwoman porn that I got into is the case. But I just want it gone and I relapsed after 4 days my longest is about 12 days but I gave it to the urges . Ik I’m not gay but it just freaks me out and puts me in a bad place. Not to mention that I’m super quite and introverted extrovert. Really depnense On the setting. A mojorty of the time I’m in my head and super quiet. Recently I’ve been trying to meditate to help with my HOCD. But they just come in my head and it scared me and I’ll get a gronial response and I don’t want it it will scare the shit outta me and turn my stomach. I read on here that the anxiety can like rush the nerves causing a response in the area. I used to have dreams waking up in cold sweats because of a gay dream I had it was horrible. I had a girlfriend at the time and as I’m happy as I was she always put a smile on my face. It was great but we had a falling out. I have to says the effects where negative. Later I went to a party and lost my virginity to a very attractive girl; I’d have to say a 9/10. We later did it on a daily. But I moved away and she was the closes that I had to a friend. It’s all been a bad Trip. I’ve decided to reach out to here to get rid and keep you guys updated on my progress. And all information you guys can give would be great thank you and have a great day.

 

I have no urge to go out and act on the thoughts it’s just that they come up all the time and I won’t be think about anything. I tried looking at gay porn and nothing it grossed me out.i used to check all the time to anykind of gronial response and my brain would assume that I’m gay. I’ve been dealin with this for ever. I don’t want to be with men I never had a crush on a guy and I don’t wanna be with men at all. It’s like the HOCD took over my brain and it’s like I’m arguing with my self

 

And I have brought it up to my mother and father. Both said they never thought I was gay ir even bi. And I never did until I started to watch transgendered person porn. Like I was so addicted that I need to watch things that are “wrong”. It’s crazy how much porn can duck up your brain

 

Thank you. I understand completely. It not that I think I’m gay all the time it’s just that I have moments where I’ll freak out to the thoughts. Sometimes I can disarm them.

 

THANK you. I’ve broughr this up and my parents think that I’m just crazy. I told her that Ill get these unwanted thoughts. She asked if I want them or if I want to act out ok this with a dude. I tell her no. Then she will ask if I ever thought I was gay before the whole HOCD. I told her no it wasn’t till after I viewed transwoman\ transgendered person porn.

 

It’s great that I have people that I can relate to cause most people won’t understand. Thanks for the welcome

 

Yeah but it was never like a “pleasure”. Like how I would get with girls turn on. It would only happen during like and HOCD Attack ( idk if it’s the correct term but it’s like a panic attack) yeah I would never get these until the transwoman porn. When I would go on here most people are the same. The dopamine needs a better high for your brain to get its fix. It’s the whole “ your brain on porn” thing. When I come to think about it, I never had these worries or thought until I started to Obsess over me being gay. Always testing my self. I was always anxious talking other males due to my brain asking me if I think he’s attractive and if I try to fight the thoughts it only makes it worse. Ppl with HOCD or have had it will understand. Thanks for ur time.

 

Is intercourse with a female Ok or should I put that off until a 90 day reset?

 

Mu

much appricated. I’m trying to beat pmo and hocd ASAP so hard mode is the way to
Go. Do wet dreams cause reset?

 

Day 2 if hardcore mode HOCD is bothering me once again but I’m letting them pass through. Hope everyone has a great day!

 

Just got done reading this. All I can say is thank you. You are a great human

 

Day 3: been going well had a bad ocd episode for an hour. But it was split up into different like occurrences. Non the less I was able to clear my mind rationalize the OCD and dismiss the compulsion/ anxiety attack. I’ve never been able to do that so that’s good