hello it’s my 1st thread

Hi everyone

I’ve come on here today to seek some support as the SO. I will give you a brief run down on our journey so far...

I’m 40 and my Partner is 39. I was married for 15 years with 2 children (12 & 10) until my DH died of cancer in jan 2017.

Following his passing I started dating for the first time in forever. In the Aug/Sept I met a lovely genuine guy who was currently working in the military. I had always had a stereotype of these types of guys in my head but he was lovely and treated me amazingly. We hit it off instantly and have been together ever since. He has now left the military and has moved from his digs into my home with the kiddos. They really like him and he is a fantastic person to have in our home......until.....this addiction came to life.

He had never hid the fact he had watched porn and seemed to Masturbate a hell of a lot. I wasn’t used to the this from my marriage so found it all very off. At first I was ok, then when he would go away on detachment I started requesting he cut back as it seem to be having an affect on our intimacy at times.
Once he moved in I wrongly snooped. And what I discovered was his problem appeared to be far worse that I had ever given credit.
Our intimacy was amazing and the amount of effort I was putting in was becoming rediculous as I think I was trying to compete!!!
Anyway the realisation came when I realised he was sometimes using it to get horny for me and even to the extent of pretending to look up how to do certain intimate things in front of me to almost justify what he was doing. So eventually I had enough and I sent him the ted talk on your brain on porn.
The penny finally dropped!!!! He was dumbfounded and devastated as he suddenly GOT IT!!!
Since then he enrolled himself on a self help kind and body course and downloaded a tracking app for his progress and has seen a dr to seek 1:2:1.
Last night he told his BFFs and have asked for their accountability support.

What’s tipped me today is after all this I finally decided to check his tracker and saw that today he did in fact elapse whilst I was out the house (but my son and friend were home).

My confliction is that
1) I know he is trying extremely hard and using all resources he can.
2) why today couldn’t he just dig deep and wait til I was home and seek support from me?

We are meant to be on medium mode. I am now contemplating hard mode as I know he will have relapses but I’m worried medium isn’t really gonna get him to fix quick enough. I mean I literally give it up on tap daily and twice daily as we are quite new and I enjoy our time but I’m back to this competing thing!

I know it’s not about me but it so dang hard to NOT take it to heart. I worry I don’t have enough strength to support him as I’m still needing so much support myself at times!!!!

 

I really appreciate you giving me some insight and hope

 

We had a discussion again last night and have set up covenant eyes now on all technology and the report will go to his accountability partner and I own the filter.

We also agreed and put in the diary a monthly meeting together to catch up on how he’s doing overall as we were struggling to think and work out how to communicate when I am not his accountability partner....eg he can’t tell me daily when he does well or doesn’t and I was in the dark overall on how he thought his progress was coming along. So it’s in the diary for 2nd of every month.

I just find it frustrating as I know it’s a genuine addiction and issue but sometimes my ‘chimp’ emotional side just gets annoyed and be like ‘why can’t you just sort it out’ which I know is unreasonable!!!

 

This was def a red flag for sure that's why it didn't sit easy with me but I was trying to keep some open mind about it all as I was newly dating after so many years I didn't know what was the norm these days! [/QUOTE]

 

Im not sure how to use the quote stuff!!

 

I snooped because I'm a naturally nosy person I hate to say it, but also I wanted to see how much he looked at it and what he was....kinda justified it to myself as a mother with someone in the house I should show some due diligence!

But anyway I just wanted to nose....what I found was quite gut wrenching....he was looking at it what would appear to be most days, he had kept old photos and videos of ex's for his own purpose and worse still had also obtained images without consent (adults) and had shared images many years ago of ex's with a friend which is likely to be without their consent.....so …..the DRAINS were up. This guy has lived his whole life not being accountable as hadn't really held down many long term relationships, never co habited or basically been able to truly open up. Unfortunately with me he was forced to as I brought it ALL up and he was made to realise and understand the extent of which his addiction over the years has led him to do. He had no excuses he could make to me.

 

Honestly, I believe he genuinely did! I sent him the video and left the house. Until that point he believed 'All men watch it and all men maturbate, and any that say they don't are liars'. In his words. In his head based on his childhood & work environment he had normalised it. In the forces images are sent to eachother daily & hard drives are shared/exchanged... So he watched the video, and he said he just burst into tears.....he called it the 'lightbulb' moment. He said so many portions of what the ted talk says resonated with him and he knew right there and then he had a problem. I would say him knowing what I know about ALL his past actions and the ted talk was his ROCK BOTTOM as he was truly remorseful & beyond petrified that it could end our relationship (from what I could tell).

 

He tried self help as that was all that there was available. He has seen Dr and awaiting appoint on 9th Jan for 1-2-1 support/counselling. The accountability supporters are taking their job seriously & he has sent over the expectations of what they need - but agree with you its a toughy as will they really give him a hard time?? The are lifelong friends so I hope they understand the seriousness of it. I felt like an intervention was maybe needed to include me and my expectations from them but I don't know them that well so I have left it down to them three to sort.

 

THIS IS WHAT HE SENT ME after watching the TED TALK:

Hey, So after watching the Gary Wilson Great porn experiment I can see that I do indeed have an addiction. I can associate with vast portions of what was spoken about. I know that rebooting is the way forward. I would like to add a caveat that I also strongly believe that my vast reduction in fitness has had a large impact too. I love you and cannot believe the efforts you have gone to too please me. I really don't deserve it. I agree that a continued use of internet porn must stop. I am sorry that I have caused you any pain. I want to stop this to get me back (Terry Crews)

I do find you ever so attractive and I'm sorry that I have ever cast doubt in your mind. So to answer your questions I feel that so many can be answered by saying I believe that I am suffering from phycological desensitisation, and I know this now know this is wrong, and perhaps the primary cause in dissatisfaction. I again believe my knee injury has played a less obvious part in this. I have always enjoyed a relatively regular exercise pattern, whether it was football at work, running or cycling, my inability to do this has really got me down, and this has also been a problem in my head in my inability to help bond with Noah because I cant join him in any activities. This makes me positively unhappy.

So what I am trying to say is will you help me to help myself? You have done so much already by your pragmatic reasoning and understanding. If this is too much for you I understand. I just want you to know I am researching how to cut this addiction out of my life.

 

He had made attempts to put K9 on iPad but then after Sunday realised that once that was on he went to his phone for it instead. So hence why we have gone with Convenant Eyes and its gone on his phone, iPad, old windows notebook (in case he decides he needs to look and remembers about the old notebook) the home PC & his laptop. Whilst this isn't 100% deterrent as he could buy a new phone or IT or whatever, its some deterrents for the opportunist moment when he will be feeling weak or vulnerable. I did say 'please make sure you don't look on work pc in desperation - come to me!'

So I think after Sunday again I had to make him see how much of grip it has over him. Whilst he identifies he has a problem/addiction I don't think he truly yet understands just how much....its only been a month or so since it all blew up.

 

Quick enough - I mean like yesterday . I am quite an impatient person but at the same time I want it fixed ASAP but that's again my expectations being unrealistic - I know this so I do try & manage it.

I have imposed hard mode on him as of yesterday I wrote it down in an action plan which I emailed to him and asked him to build on it and manage! I know this sounds crazy!! But I got the idea from the boundaries & consequences...…its a way of tracking what steps we/he are taking and how are we progressing overall? That way it helps manage my expectations and will hopefully stop me being irrational.

Selfishly I didn't want to go hard mode, but I think we need to. He will have to go away on detachment again in the new year so we need to give ourselves the best possible chance whilst its available - to your point of preventing extending it.....

 

Weekly? I wasn't sure if that was too intense for him? But based on your suggestion I may do that. I think I am scared of my reaction weekly and if monthly I think if I fly off on one monthly for a day its not as regular as once a week!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I hate falling out with him I love him he is such a wonderful partner its really quite upsetting watching him suffer and also me suffer!

 

OK 'my chimp' book is AMAZING!! I would highly recommend you reading it...…..its so insightful...title is 'The Chimp Paradox' by Steve Peters

2. I WOULD LOVE YOUR HELP with BOUNDARIES & CONSEQUENCES PLEASE


And a massive thank you for taking your time out to respond so thoroughly to me it is very much appreciated.

 

Ok so upon snooping on his Instagram tonight..... it seems it’s all ‘recent searches’ are ‘topless this and topless that’ so not sure when that occurred... so I’ve deleted searches now to see whether he looks again after today.
I haven’t told him as I can’t face the conversation again I’m tired. Should I request he delete the app? I hate this I feel so controlling and demanding. It makes me question myself and feel like I am overreacting about it all at times

 

I guess convenant eyes doesn’t filter this stuff

 

It has only been 39 days since he watched the TED talk and realised his issue!

 

I realised last night that despite his addiction and my acceptance when in a logical frame of mind, when I am emotionally charged by a relapse it all gets out of control for me and my anxiety is crazy.

I have done some more research on what I need to do in all this to try and bring myself back to orbit...so that I can be the best support for him as I want to be and keep our relationship from falling apart.

I think for now, I am going to continue to abstain from intimacy for my own reasons so that I can protect myself and also keep the message that we are not 100% Ok until he’s ok with where he is and what his plans are. I don’t want it to be a ‘punishment’ I just don’t want to muddy the water. Eventually it may mean he realises he needs hard mode himself and buys into it, but for now I think it’s all I have tangible to me to keep me sane.
That way we can carry on and I can take my foot off pedal and try not to micro manage his recovery.

Please please please shout if you think I am choosing the wrong path right now.

 

Oh and if you do think this is a good move and way forward....at what point can/should I know that it’s right to start to build the intimacy back in again?

I feel parts of all this are clear and others are so open to interpretation and I’m terrible and remaining focused if I don’t gave deadlines and plans etc.