Stranger in a foreign land

Hello there, everyone. After much pondering and reading some of your posts, I felt compelled to join the community and take the plunge. Really, credit goes to all of you for sharing your experiences and inspiring me to do this. So, introductions are in order.

As I write this, I'm going to turn 29 in less than a couple of hours. I moved to Japan to study earlier this year (hence the name of this thread), and I've been struggling with myself big time for the best part of a decade. So where do I begin?

Like many people in my age range, I discovered online porn very early. At eleven years of age, to be exact. Ever since then, I've had a healthy sexual curiosity, although this addiction only started to become problematic after I turned about 17.

You see, that was when I was in high school, and I got to live in my own room and had a computer all to myself. And it got a whole lot worse as I hit my twenties and started living alone. Having read about many of your experiences, I now understand that unrestrained addiction leads us to try out more extreme, damaging things. Before you read the next paragraph, I would like to warn you about possible triggers, so consider yourself forewarned. You can just skip it and go on reading the rest if you want.

It appears that most people seem to seek out more violent, perverted pornography for gratification. As for me, I turned to exhibitionism and voyeurism. I found a thrill in exposing myself online to girls, and a few years ago registered myself on a website that dedicated itself to "sex camming" (basically online prostitution, if you ask me). On two occasions, emptied my bank account in doing so, including during one very embarrassing situation whilst on holiday with my parents. I feebly explained to them that I had registered myself to an online course, which was turning out to be more expensive than I thought, and spent the rest of the holiday using my Dad's money. Sounds pathetic, because it is! I even exposed myself to my neighbor's maid through my bedroom window. Idiocy at it's worst!

By my early twenties, my masturbation habits had gone completely out of control. I would do it twice on most days and more on my days off. I skipped sleep, wasted my weekends and slowly got out of touch with most of my friends. I was miserable, low on energy during my waking hours, hated my job and felt worthless all the time. I would feel a great deal of shame and jealousy whenever I saw my friends and cousins gain promotions, getting married etc. I feel that my twenties have just whooshed by, completely wasted. Whenever I run into old acquaintances, they're always surprised to learn about my dead-end carrier and lack of a significant other. I am an underachiever in their eyes, and rightly so. And last year, out of the blue and against all odds, I got a chance to move here on a scholarship.

It should be the opportunity of a lifetime, because let's be honest, it is. Yet since arriving, I've felt completely off the pace. In trying to learn a new language, adjust to a new culture, food etc. my habits have gone off the rails. Instead of trying to befriend the locals and explore a new, vibrant city, I've been spending my free time holed up in my tiny apartment. Even going out to buy groceries (something that I used to enjoy doing) feels like a chore.

And then a week or so ago, something miraculous happened. For seemingly no reason, a girl (a foreigner like me) took interest in me. I've always been stupidly awkward around the opposite sex, so it will come to no surprise to any of you to learn that I've never been in a relationship. She said she admired my quiet, shy mannerisms and we eventually began talking. Slowly but surely, I began to open up to her in a way in which I've never, ever opened up to anyone. Eventually, I don't know how, but we began talking about my problem.

Now, she doesn't know everything and I have no intention of telling. I am too ashamed to tell her about the exhibitionism, about watching porn for hours on end etc. All she knows is that I have a problem with chronic masturbation, that I've wasted valuable years of my life with this curse. But she has been giving valuable advise on how to end this, and this is another reason for catapulting me into this community.

I have been clean for two days now. As I stated before, my birthday starts in less than a couple of hours, and I intend this to be a turning point in my life. I know that I'm going to hit highs and incredible lows during the journey, so I need all the help I can get from all of you, and I'll do my best to offer you with any advise and help in return.

Thanks for reading my long post. I really needed to let it all out!

 

Thanks a lot, Kurt. It's always nice to meet someone with similar life experiences.

 

No, I'm pretty certain she doesn't know anything about NoFap. I came across NoFap a few years back, even though I paid little attention to it back then. It kinda stuck in the back of my head, so I decided to look more into it and within a few minutes, made up my mind to join.

 

Thanks, buddy. To tell you the truth, one of the reasons I moved country was to escape from everything that was pinning me down back home. At the time, the thought that my addiction was the prime factor for my life to have gone down the gutter didn't even cross my mind. And, thousands of miles away from home, I was doing the very same things that were keeping me down.

As I mentioned in my journal, rebooting from PMO has given me a new perspective of everything. I realized that I came all this way to start my life afresh, and there are many others who would kill for such an opportunity. I simply cannot afford to waste this. Yes, moving country was terrifying for me, especially as I was never the most outgoing sort of person. But I'm slowly adjusting. I hope my newfound resolve would help to accelerate the process.

The girl, unfortunately (or maybe fortunately?) isn't residing here and has returned to her country. We still keep in touch over the phone, and I'm genuinely excited to tell her about my progress during the first week of my recovery. I honestly don't think I would've managed to do it alone. Not without her, and certainly not without all the words of encouragement I receive from my fellow recovering addicts.