New to the Site - I need help

Hello,

I’m new to the site and not sure where to start but here goes. I am a 30-35 years old male, married with a beautiful two year old and a baby on the way in May. My issues with M stem back as far as I can remember from when I was 9 years old.

By 13 I would M twice daily using my imagination and fantasies, sometimes magazines. The rush I would get from this was unlike anything I could get from any other activity. Fast forward to 18 and University when I had a laptop and access to digital porn my addiction spiralled out of control. I spent the next ten years going down rabbit hole after rabbit hole indulging on all kinds of porn which ranged from fetishises that included femdom, transwomen, sometimes bisexual threesomes. It cost me my first job that I had when I graduated Uni.

When regular porn would not meet my needs, I found myself getting my thrills from transwoman and femdom porn. My arousal and addiction led me so much astray that I ended up getting drunk one fateful night three years ago, took ecstasy and purchased the services of a transwoman escort for which I followed through with and my wife found out the next day. I had thrown all caution to the wind that night and paid the ultimate price by betraying and hurting my wife whom I love so dearly. As a sober individual I never felt I would be capable of doing what I did that night but I still did it. My wife was remarkable enough to give me another chance and work through my issues and build a life together. We made it through week over the last 3 years to the point where we were more happier now than what we ever were. I abstained from all PM during this period and would only achieve orgasm through sex with my wife. As I said before, we have a child on the way and she is pregnant with our second boy. Over the last two minutes tha, I have found myself succumbing to my urges again. I will Edge myself whilst watching porn and also by looking at female and transwoman escort listings online. I have not been to see any escorts, this has been only M. The whole time I’ve been thinking I should be telling my wife what I am doing as this is a betrayal of her trust. But my fear was that by telling her I would be piling more stress on her which she doesn’t need or deserve.

In saying the above, she has now caught me looling at these websites and everything I feared would happen is now becoming a reality. Let this be a lesson to everyone regarding to the far reaching issues this behaviour can have on your life.

I am now facing the position of losing my wife, the most loving and beautiful human being I’ve ever met. Along with also losing my two sons. I am now on day 2 of no PMO and I’m seeking guidance as to where to from here and how take hold of this very dark urge I have inside me. I also need to figure out what relationship if any I can salvage with my wife. I am filled with sorrow, shame, guilt and hatred for myself and I am also scared for what the future holds and losing everything I hold dear in my life and everything that gives me purpose.

Any comments, advice and guidance would be welcomed. I am in a very dark place right now and don’t know where to turn. I should have sought outside help a long time ago which could have avoided all this pain I have caused on my poor wife.

 

Thanks for responding, right now I feel so confused and scared and I want to take steps to try and rebuild my life and build a relationship with my wife, however that will look.

 

Thank you for your comments and support. I am I a spot of very little hope for the future. I’ll take a look at the links you sent through.